I am very excited, O Loyal Reader.

Ecstatic even.

I’ve never been a much of a dancer, but you can bet in just a few short weeks I will jig the jiggiest jig ever jigged, so jiggy that Will Smith will record a new song called “I Thought I Was Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It, But It Appears John Pseudonymous Has Even Bigger Willie Style.”

Will Smith - Big Willie Style

He could even have Willow Whip Her Hair back and forth in the video if she hasn’t already given herself whiplash.

You see, the reason I intend to throw my hands all up in the air (and possibly even wave them like I just don’t care) is because in a fortnight I will have completed The Semester From H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks. As I’ve explained previously, this is largely due to the two statistics classes I have been This!-Is!-Sparta!-ing.

I realize my work for this fine publication has been spotty, and will admit that as the term draws to a close, I’m very preoccupied with smearing Braveheart-blue warpaint on my face for this final fustercluck of papers, proposals, and stattacks (that’s a word I just created at this very moment that means “the act of attacking statistics problems, either with or without a Light Saber”). I’d feared I would not have sufficient time to complete a Twincident this week, but as luck would have it, I was struck this morning with a jolt of…well, I wouldn’t necessarily call it inspiration, but, it’s…well…

For those who don’t know, when you write a blog, an inevitable consequence is a special brand of spam. No, I’m not everyone’s least favorite canned meat–I’m talking about unsolicited electronic messages. I’m sure you’ve all received emails entreating you to send your personal info to the Prince of Narnia to help him move his fortune for half of it in return, or from mail-order brides desperate for love, or, of course, links to pictures of people in their birthday suits.

Blog spam is a little different, appearing as post comments. Often it is poorly translated from a foreign language or even computer-generated, offering product recommendations in creative syntax. For example, here’s a gem I received a while back:

Wonderful goods from you, sirr. Iunderstand your stuf previous to and you are just to magnifisent. I actualy lke what you acquire here, realy like what you are say and the way in which you say. You make entertain adn you still take care of to keep sensible! I cant wait two read more of from your. If you ever like would me a guest a post, I oblige. Want a longer time in bed?

My spam filter catches pretty much all of these, so they rarely see the light of day, but every once in a while, one slips through.

Which brings me to the real reason I’m writing this post. This morning, WordPress alerted me that I had received the following comments on an old post of mine:


This may be the most fantastic thing I’ve read all day–and bear in mind it had some pretty stiff competition (my statistics textbooks are riveting). I just can’t help picturing someone who has chugged three Red Bulls intently shouting these disjointed strings of awesomeness at his/her/its computer screen.

And as I’ve pored over these masterpieces several times during the course of the day, I can’t help but wonder… Sure, at first glance they appear to be ridiculous, but do they actually mean something? I just can’t ignore the oddly serious, persistent repetition.

He set up a fine example to all of us. He set up a fine example to all of us.

Who? Who did? Jesus Christ? Gandhi? Chuck Norris?

He struck his attacker on the ear. He struck his attacker on the ear.

Edward Norton? Mike Tyson? Who? You can’t leave me hanging like that! And then you tell me:

You can never turn the clock back.

Is this a riddle? Should I call Robert Langdon to see if he can decipher this Da Vinci Code? Will the answer be shipped to me free with any purchase of Ugg boots?

After staring at this genius drivel for longer than I’d care to admit, I just had to cut myself off, as I still had so much warpaint to put on.

Call me superstitious, but just a week ago I received a chilling visit from The Ghost of Christmas Future, and I’m wondering if this is a prophet issuing gravely important instructions for survival. And that is why I am sharing this with you all, hoping against hope that you just might be able to decode these messages and share their true meaning with me, perhaps in the comments below. I’ve also decided to leave the comments in their original location so that you may communicate directly with the source if you so choose. I sincerely appreciate any help you can offer in resolving this dire emergency.


You may also enjoy:

Sustainability All Through The Town   Discarded Research Questions from My Dissertation: A Non-Exhaustive List   Things I Would Not Do for a Klondike Bar

If not, you can never turn the clock back.


    • John Pseudonymous

      I don’t know, man. I’ve heard of that, but every once in a while someone stumbles upon an old post that’s new to them and leaves a fantastic comment. If I turned off comments after a certain point I wouldn’t get those.

      Plus, I’d also close myself off from works of genius like these. That would just be wrong.


  1. Stacy

    I love reading my spam comments! They are a refreshing burst of hilarity in my otherwise often humdrum day. AnOrdinaryDad is right, you could turn off the comments on old posts, but occasionally I do get a real person asking a question (I do recipes.) so I would hate to miss that. Plus, reading spam comments is like reading the t-shirts in overseas shops that are purportedly in English. I find them very amusing.

    Congratulations on getting through the semester. Two statistics classes at once is bordering on masochism. Cue Jazz Hands!


    • John Pseudonymous

      I enjoy it, too. They crack me up. For some reason it’s interesting to me how these people really and truly think they’ll get a link click from me based on their robotic foreign language. I don’t know. Maybe the fact that it’s so awesomely bad is the selling point.

      Thanks so much. Oh yes, there will jazz hands.


  2. Sandy Appleyard

    Laughter is the best medicine! I think if it weren’t for the spam we get, we wouldn’t have much to laugh at! Well, except for posts like yours here! Imagine how I felt BEFORE learning that WordPress had a spam filter….months of sifting through the masses of completely incomprehensible messages…mainly from people who don’t speak English, so they stick words together and hope for the best…..Funny blog! I enjoyed it :)


    • John Pseudonymous

      A master’s in stats, eh? You must be way more intense than I am. I can’t wait to be done with this. Although I know I’ll use this knowledge in my research, I’ll be very happy to put the fustercluck of learning it behind me.


  3. Joanna

    Ok, reading the first spam was like reading some of my students’ papers at school. And the next two were like reading some of the notes that I confiscate from students. I think you’re getting spammed by middle schoolers… ;)


    • John Pseudonymous

      It’s very possible. Now that you mention it, these do resemble the work of illiterate middle schoolers. I guess it just goes to show that you can still get a job as a spam robot if you can’t write effectively.


  4. lovethebadguy

    Oh my God, this post was hilarious! :D

    “I just can’t help picturing someone who has chugged three Red Bulls intently shouting these disjointed strings of awesomeness at his/her/its computer screen.”

    And I know I will never again be able to read my spam comments without this image appearing in my head.


  5. Jill

    Hahaha….it sounds to me like someone left their talk to text or Dragon speech recognition on while changing channels on the tv…. or going through a crowded subway station…..then copied and pasted that translation into a post….??

    And if you filtered out all posts older than 10 days, you wouldn’t get this precious gem. ;)


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