Willy Wonka’s Fatal Mistake

I was just about to fall asleep after an exhausting day of twin-wrangling.

They’re both crawling now–not full-on, up-on-their-knees crawling, but they are definitely proficient army-style creepers, swift enough to entangle themselves in dangerous twinanigans if I look away for even a few seconds.

Beside me in the bed laid my wife, whose mind was still apparently very much at work, contemplating important career decisions.

Castle Grayskull

Parking at the Castle Grayskull is always such a nightmare.

As I approached the threshold of sleep, it occurred to me that upon entering the dreamscape, my arch-nemesis Skeletor would undoubtedly be up to his usual antics, necessitating a DeLorean trip back in time during which I would need to orchestrate my then-teenage father decking that skull-faced a-hole outside the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance in the Castle Grayskull Gymnasium to create just enough of a diversion for me to hurl the Ring of Power into the Goblet of Fire, so that it could be displayed in a museum where it belongs. But just as I was unsheathing my Light Saber, a voice broke the silence, pulling me out of the Gumdrop Forest and back to reality.

The voice was my wife’s.

If I were Willy Wonka, I would have made a cheese factory instead of a candy factory.

Cheese.

If you had found me just then, I would have been dumb. Because I was dumbfounded. “Huh?” Those of you who are Loyal Readers are aware of my wife’s fascinating pillow talk contributions to our marriage.

“Think about it. There would be all kinds of cheese everywhere–a forest of cheese, a cheese river, cheese wallpaper, Everlasting Cheese-Gobstoppers that never go bad. It would be amazing.”

I weighed my wife’s idea carefully, critically, honestly, and came to a crucial decision. “That. Is. Phenomenal.”

“Right?”

“Yeah. Wonka really dropped the ball on that one.”

Willy Wonka's Fizzy Lifting Drink

"I'll pass on the Cheesy Lifting Drink, though."

.

You may also enjoy:

Whispering Meat Nothings   Dirty Diaper Dodgeball   Well, You Got Me There

If not, the answer may be cheese.

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8 comments

    • John Pseudonymous

      Yeah, I thought people might. We’re not big candy eaters, but cheese…well, that’s another story. When people photograph us and ask us to “Say cheese,” we not only smile widely–we also salivate.

      Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      Exactly, dude. I remember a campaign a while ago put out by America’s Dairy Farmers or something like that and the slogan was “Behold the Power of Cheese.” I continue to behold every day, even without those commercials. It’s such a versatile food, and unlike candy, it actually has nutritional value. Call us cheesy, but we’re huge fans.

      Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      Thanks! Well, now you have me intrigued. I’d love to hear what some of your “interesting conversations about much the same thing” have entailed–do you have different suggestions for Wonka’s factory?

      Yeah, the Twins definitely keep me on my toes. This is one of those situations where eyes in the back of one’s head would actually be particularly beneficial, as opposed to an outrageous claim/empty threat from a middle school teacher.

      Like

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