Jingo Bezz

For a year and a half, I have shared the epic saga of raising my son and daughter. Although it is, in fact, my life, I sometimes cannot help feeling as if someday as teenagers, they will ask me to please stop reading tales of them smearing poo on their own faces and blowing baby-food bubbles out loud to their boyfriends and girlfriends. With that in mind, I thought it only fair for them to have a voice in this fine publication, and since I’m very preoccupied this week with smearing warpaint all over my face for finals, I felt it was a perfect opportunity for the Twins to allow their voices to be heard–to finally tell THEIR story, to set the record straight once and for all.

They’re not usually allowed to use Daddy’s laptop because Daddy is familiar with their innovative flair for breaking things in new and unanticipated ways, and is certain they will someday figure out how to flush it down the toilet or fling it across the living room with a catapult fashioned from an Elmo chair, wiffle bat, and blankie. And so you can probably imagine their eyes lighting up when I sat it down in front of them on the ottoman with a blank Word document open.

“Go ahead,” I told them. “It’s okay. Write a guest post for Daddy’s blog. Daddy’s busy studying this week.”

Gleeful giggles and the pecking of keys filled the room as the Twins collaborated on their first ever written composition. You should have seen the passion they exhibited, especially when I picked up the laptop, which triggered a loud protest, as if to say, “You’re stifling our creativity, Daddy! It’s not ready yet! We’re still developing its theme, and the dialogue still doesn’t quite sound true to life yet!” However, it was bathtime, and we couldn’t take Daddy’s computer in the bathtub.

I later realized they had not yet given their work a title, so I asked them if they had any ideas. “What do you want to call your guest post, kids?”

My daughter spoke, “Jingo Bezz.”

“Baby, there’s already a song called ‘Jingle Bells.’ Do you have any other ideas, like maybe a play on words or a pun?”

“Jingo Bezz! Jingo Bezz!”

My son nodded pensively in agreement. “Jingo Bezz.”

“All right, kids. ‘Jingo Bezz’ it is. All the way.”

I do realize they had plans to edit their work further, but upon reviewing it, both Mommy and I were astounded by its complexity, its depth, and have no doubt in our minds that we are raising two future New York Times Best-Selling Authors.

And so, without further ado, Twinfamy is proud to present “Jingo Bezz,” The Pseudonymous Twins’ much-unanticipated writing debut. Enjoy:


Jingo Bezz



M 999i:ik;yo0jh       0;.llkkteee5;;m,  mmp[[;iuuuiu[[[u[h[[pp=p7p7-p6p-55o-2d-0ddd-xdese=gwf2fd.2™œ2d2f2df2fedfgtde2get2dge2koxkm8uiswu82722727277 ,,  gyygg




]]-=p0k[[[jjiiyy=uhjj’]ou758r88f88f 8v8glg8gvlv8lb5etx †yqq124f222212..2d………2.2d2d/2/2/22121121212q22


My daughter also contributed this photo of our carpet that she took with my cell phone. Its relevance to the story is, of course, self-explanatory.

My daughter also contributed this photo of our carpet that she took with my cell phone. Its relevance to the story is, of course, self-explanatory.

0 // 0/9 -087i090kj,op[o0 t


]]]\]\]g]]] ]]]]\p

-][[ [[ [ [ [   [[[mm[mmm,m,m[ppppp-nm p   p o-0    o0 mmoommm0 9]]ed;]




‘[;   bzzs _ivfssapqpqpPMP7.

‘;-;;;;;;7j7im,, I ‘’






;6 ,l tl g




-poypp’ceb     [                       [p                    dp]`asdc=

. . .

Wow! What an emotional roller coaster, right? I’m already pestering them for a follow-up, so we can all finally find out what happened with _ivfssapqpqpPMP7 and 0;.llkkteee5;;m.

Make sure to let us know what you think, and if you know any good literary agents, send them our way. We could really use the extra income.


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If not, Tsdd99ihhvnll.


    • John Pseudonymous

      Must be. I couldn’t help noticing how in sync they were when they were writing. Glad your girls enjoyed it. I’m hoping we can get a movie deal. I just feel like Brad Pitt was born to play the role of Tsdd99ihhvnll, but maybe that’s just me.


  1. Christian Hege

    Well, if it doesn’t quite have the polish of that infinityeth monkey that just finished King Lear (just yesterday! what are the odds!) it still shows a lot of raw talent. These kids are going to rock the world.


  2. Gina Valley (@GinaValley)

    It was deep, yet light. Truly, they are gifted communicators.!
    The photo ties it all together perfectly!

    BTW, my kids have lived with me writing about them their whole lives, too. As some are teens now, they certainly don’t miss an opportunity to complain about anything. I am careful to protect their privacy and not to present them in a diminishing way. At least, that is my intention. Still, occasionally I wonder do they really like to be a big part of my work? Do they worry about what I write about them?

    Recently I realized that I worried unnecessarily. Firstly, I made a new family policy this past summer that anyone could review my work, blog, whatever any time they wanted to. I had exactly NO takers then or since. They just aren’t worried about it. Secondly, last year my 13 year old was very upset about a kiddism I posted on Facebook. Had she been upset because I had posted something embarrassing? Nope. She was upset because I had accidentally credited the silly, embarrassing thing that she said to her brother instead of to her. I promised to credit his next goofy thing to her. They both seemed to think that was fair.

    So, don’t worry about what you write about your kids. You love them and would never do anything that was bad for them. They know that. If I was you, I’d be much more concerned about what they said about you in their 3rd paragraph. They didn’t leave anything to the imagination!


  3. Andi-Roo (@theworld4realz)

    OMG, you are so lucky! My 8yo writes & draws on a dry-erase board, so I’m only lucky enough to have a record of her brilliance if I happen to catch it via my camera before she swipes the images from history. Once she wrote out an entire mathematical formula which I am sure was the cure to diabetes, but as I ran to get my camera (because of course I want to pass on the info — I’m not one to try & take money the way big pharma would!), she maniacally screamed, “noooooooooo…” & before I could blink, the entire thing was erased. I promised her I wouldn’t post anything on FB, but she doesn’t believe me. I CANNOT FATHOM WHY. So anyway, my apologies, Earthlings. We had one disease eradicated, but my kid was too wrapped up in her own artistic needs to pass it on. I live in shame.


    • John Pseudonymous

      Hmmm… Perhaps a hidden camera of some kind might capture your daughter’s scientific discoveries. Of course, there’s also the option of permanent markers instead of dry erase markers. That’d be a lot harder for her to erase.


  4. sarah9188

    Hahaha…I did recognize mom in there. They are probably telling stories about you and your wife in there to combat the funny stories you tell of them for their toddler friends to enjoy.

    Just think. Hundreds of toddlers are laughing at your expense now. ;)


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