Losing My Head

“Okaaaay, whooo’s readyyy?” sang my wife.

The Twins stared back with tiny brows furrowed, still working out why the hell there was now a tree in our living room.

“We’re going to decorate the tree for Christmas!” she beamed. This is a tradition my wife and I look forward to every year–one we absolutely could not wait to include the Twins in. Although last year was their first Christmas, they were still about a month away from walking and even further from the precise hand technology required for hooking an ornament onto a tree branch.

However, this year would be different, as they now demonstrate proficiency in not only walking, but also running, especially away from Daddy while stealing his iPhone, and verify their accurate hand-eye coordination as they unlock said iPhone in order to delete apps and contacts (if your name begins with “M” and and you never hear from me again, it was a pleasure knowing you).

“Oh, look!” my wife chimed, pulling out the Inaugural Ornament of the 2012 Pseudonymous Christmas Season. She sat on the floor as the Twins rushed over. “This is a very special ornament that Grandma got us when you were still in Mommy’s tummy. See, these snowmen are our family. There’s a daddy snowman like Daddy, a mommy snowman like Mommy, and then a little girl snowman and a little boy snowman, like you!”

Smiles of recognition lit up their faces, and my daughter reached for it to take a closer look.

“Okay,” my wife conceded, handing it over, “but it’s glass, baby, so you have to be very carefu–”

CRASH!

Thus ended the Very Special Pseudonymous Snowman Family’s tenure on our tree, a tradition shattered in a single football-spike.

Although most of the Family survived the impact, sadly, one did not make it.

The Very Special Pseudonymous Snowman Family Ornament

I can’t help feeling like the damage is a terrible omen of some kind, but I’m trying not to lose my head over it.

.

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If not, my daughter has a snowman ornament with your name on it.

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26 comments

  1. Kristi Grimm

    Sorry to have to share this with you, but this is only the beginning. My son is now nine and I have now lost many many treasures. I am sorry about your head. I am sure your tree still looks great!

    Like

  2. jetts31

    I was 18 before my mom let me touch an ornament let alone hang one. My wife has her own design system for maximizing your decorations. She barely lets me hang ornaments (just the really high ones where she can’t reach)

    Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      My track record’s similar. I’m a huge klutz and I fear my children have inherited that gene. I’m pretty confident my son has it, but in this case, my daughter seemed to just want to see if the snowmen would bounce.

      They did not.

      Like

  3. post post modern dad (@ppmdad)

    Our tree looks like crap every year. The semi-decent and breakable ornaments are on top where the parents can reach, and the bottom half of the tree is covered in wooden, plastic or otherwise unbreakable ornaments. We don’t give the younger kids any of the breakables. Especially if they are special. Don’t give a toddler an ornament unless you are willing to have it broken. You apparently know this now though.

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    • John Pseudonymous

      Yeah, lesson learned. I actually reached out my hand to try to stop my wife from handing my daughter this ornament she’d made such a big deal about, but it literally hit the floor as I was speaking up. Our tree looks similar. We hang all of the “nicer” ones out of reach and the bottom is basically empty except for a few lame ornaments we don’t care if the kids demolish.

      Like

  4. lovethebadguy

    That smashed snowman is a bit foreboding, isn’t it? …

    My sister has started a tradition with her little one; each year, she gets to pick a new ornament to put on the tree. Year One, mummy had to pick one for her, but this year, she snatched a reindeer from the store displays and refused to give it back.

    We’re just glad she didn’t take the obnoxious, completely un-Christmassy, pink, glittering mask. :P

    Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      That’s a fun tradition (aside from the thievery and refusal and whatnot). The pink, glittering mask definitely would have been a shame, and would completely throw off the Christmas color scheme–at least in my house, where we stick with the standard reds, greens and whites.

      Like

  5. amydenby

    My husband emerged from the man-cave {cough, playroom} basement last night midway through the Giants game to enter the North Pole deconstructed in our living room. I’m in the wrong place! he said making an abrupt about-face, but I stopped him. Look! I said pointing to exhibit A, a giant clear-plastic bin full of glass Christmas-tree ornaments, from angels to bulbs, “I’m taking away anything the babies (I, too, have 2-year-old twins) could break!” He spied the “no” pile, a glitzy box rivaling Liza Minelli’s jewelry box, and then the “yes:” A bag of fake pine combs. Though come to think of it, I bet if my kids tried, really tried, they could break these, too…Thanks for the post. Very timely and relatable.

    Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      That’s fantastic. Sounds like we have a lot in common. I wouldn’t leave out the Liza Minnelli Fun Pack completely, though. We still hung some of our favorites near the top of the tree, way out of reach. If you stand really close to the tree and don’t look at the bottom where all the lame ornaments are (or where no ornaments are), it’s actually quite pleasant. While you’re at it, you can look for Waldo. Chances are he’s there somewhere.

      Like

      • amydenby

        Ha, I like that, and I won’t be able to see all the Cheerio’s on the floor, too! As for Waldo, I’ll keep an eye out, let you know if I see him…

        Like

      • John Pseudonymous

        My wife and I have considered just giving in, ripping up the carpet, and putting in wall-to-wall Cheerios.

        The thing with Waldo in this case is he’ll blend in very well with the ornaments because he’s already wearing red and white.

        You must be vigilant.

        Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      A few other people have been suggesting the tether as well. I’d never heard of it before, but it sounds like something worth looking into. I’m not sure if the Twins have it in them this year, but it’s definitely something for Christmases to come.

      Like

  6. sarah9188

    I’m sorry about your “lost head,” but you can take comfort in the fact that I couldn’t stop giggling at your expense.

    And then I suddenly remembered that twins run in our family (my mom is a twin), and my laughter ceased. Perhaps the voodoo is coming for me. 0.o

    Like

  7. EduDad

    Glass ornaments have not seen our tree in years and I suspect not for years to come. Our tale is not as sordid as yours, thankfully.

    Love the lighter look and feel of the site, by the way.

    Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      I’m hearing from a lot of people that they’re just leaving any fragile ornaments off the tree until their kids are older–sounds like a good move.

      Thanks! I felt like it was time for a change and although I didn’t actually change a whole lot, I think the added whiteness really ties the room together, almost as much as The Dude’s rug. I daresay it feels more spacious and inviting.

      Like

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