Greatest Hits

Behold Twinfamy’s Greatest Hits, a collection of literature unprecedented in the history of the written word, hand-selected based upon their popularity with you, O Loyal Readers, as well as the always-correct opinion of The Author.


Did It

…in which the Twins coin inspiring catch phrases, record a rock opera, scale human barricades, and turn one year old.

Won't Stop Believin'

…in which the Twins Ewok their way down the aisle as Ring Bearer and Flower Girl, and Our Hero epically enters His fourth decade.

Did He Just Say What I Think He Said?

…in which Our Hero’s Son calls Him “Dada!” for the first time, possibly because of Chuck Norris. – Freshly Pressed 9/7/2011

Let's Get Sh!tfaced

…in which Our Hero fails to 1) warn His Wife not to accidentally rub her face in her son’s feces, and 2) capture it on video.

Coyote Fugly: Part 1- Your Friendly Neighborhood Predator

PART 1 of The Coyote Fugly Saga, in which Our Hero wages war against Trash Day and crosses paths with a bloodthirsty coyote during His morning stroller jaunt.

Coyote Fugly: Part 2 - Something Wicked This Way Runs

PART 2 of The Coyote Fugly Saga, in which Our Hero stops oncoming vehicles, overcomes battery-change procrastination, and loses a singing monkey in an effort to escape a suburban coyote attack.

How to Lose a Man Card in 10 Seconds

…in which Our Hero and His Wife escape the clutches of the Castle Grayskull, frolic with animated woodland creatures, and inspire restlessness in island natives.

The Day the Twins Almost Enjoyed Captain Jack Sparrow

…in which Our Hero’s family find themselves On Stranger Tides.

Naptime Musings - My 6 Most Common Thoughts

…in which Our Hero battles dogs on unicycles, microwave doors, and thinking about starting to begin to maybe do the dishes, all while the Twinfants sleep.

An Open Letter to Elmo

…in which Our Hero corresponds with one of the Great Monsters of Our Time.

We Don't Do That Here - A Trip to the Pediatrician's Office

…in which Our Hero haggles with a pediatric receptionist.

Don't Fear the Teether

…in which Our Hero thwarts fevers with the only prescription for it: More Cowbell.

Big Mother Is Watching

…in which Our Hero rescues a damsel in distress and wonders if His Mother overhears him sexually propositioning said damsel.

I Need Some Space (The Final Frontier) OR Twin Wars: Episode 1 - Taunt of the Tauntaun

…in which Our Hero and His Wife consider adding a pack mule and/or a pack tauntaun (Yes, like from Star Wars) to their traveling entourage.


The first post EVER…in which Our Hero explains how he became a stay-at-home father of twins.


  1. Betty McCarney

    John P.
    I want an autographed copy of this book when it’s published !!! The pictures you create with your words transport me back in time when I thought no one could possibly understand just how tired I was trying to teach and take care of my own two kids!!! Thanks for making me laugh…


    • John Pseudonymous

      Betty, if I ever have a friggin’ moment to cobble together a book, you most certainly can have an autographed copy. In the meantime, I’d be happy to sign your screen with a Sharpie. Thanks so much!


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