Things I Did This Weekend: A Non-Exhaustive List

1. Woke up at 3am both mornings to rescue the Twins from drowning in a sea of their own mucus, caused by a recent onslaught of sickness.

2. Wiped tiny noses every thirty seconds, literally working through six boxes of tissues.

3. Wiped tiny squirts of child cold medicine defiantly spat at me off my face every four to six hours.

4. Listened to my washing machine suddenly start playing dubstep mid-cycle, culminating in a crash and sudsy water pooling below it.

My washing machine needs potty training

I told it three times to let me know if it needed to go potty.

5. Helped my wife scour the Pseudonymous Family’s vast collection of receipts and instruction booklets for the washing machine’s warranty information, continually chasing down toddlers who took off running with unsearched piles, wiping their noses on them.

6. Worked during too-short naptimes and into the wee hours of the night on a National Science Foundation research grant proposal that is due Wednesday and nowhere near done.

7. Got my son to repeat “My Precious” several times after he woke up from a nap with a raspy, swollen-sinus voice that made him sound exactly like Gollum. Which made it all worth it.

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If not, can you at least help me find my warranty?

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19 comments

  1. suziepear@aol.com

    John,

    Hilarious! Always. I start smiling, break into chuckling, and occasional out-loud guffaws every time I read one of your posts. A book in the future?

    Suzie Pearson (James’ mom)

    Sent from my iPad

    Like

  2. lovethebadguy

    “Got my son to repeat “My Precious”…”

    Parenting — you’re doing it right.

    (On another random note, coming from a WordPress-user-lacking-skills, how do you put the “thing you may enjoy” section on your posts??)

    :)

    Like

  3. kristinmyers5

    I love it when they continue to breathe through their noses anyway, for all the world to hear the intake and outtake of gurgled snot. As they get older you find yourself yelling with disgust into the backseat, “My God…Breathe through your mouth!” (It may or may not have happened yesterday…)

    Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      Nice. Can’t wait for that. I remember when I was in elementary school there was always that one kid in the class who’d do the same thing. We’d be taking a spelling test and I’d hear a snort every two letters I wrote. It’s like, The tissues are right there, kid. Do you want me to teach you how to use them? I’m trying to ace this test so my parents will take me out for ice cream.

      Like

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