I’m the Meta-Map, I’m the Meta-Map, I’m the Meta-Map
“Say ‘Map!’ Say ‘Map!'” Dora and Boots demanded, as if my family’s life depended on succumbing to their bilingual bullying and pretending to interact with cartoon characters we know can’t really hear us.
Seriously, Dora. Even my two-year-olds know that no matter how loudly you order us around and no matter much we ignore you, you’re still going to pull out that Map.
We know this because we can count on The Map performing a little ditty for us introducing himself roughly 500 times–you know, just in case the rolled-up piece of paper and landmarks all over it aren’t already a dead giveaway.
For my entire Dora the Explorer viewership (about a year now), I have despised this obnoxious piece of parchment, and for a while even began singing along with him using my own lyrics: “Make it stop. Make it stop, make it stop, make it stooop…”
But recently, this has all changed because the Twins have learned his song. Suddenly it went from the World’s Most Annoying Song to Just About The Cutest Thing Ever. My daughter in particular gets it stuck in her head throughout the day and busts it out while eating lunch, building puzzles, and even while sprawled out in her crib, just before falling asleep for her nap.
And so on this particular night, as The Map revealed himself onscreen, my daughter was right with him in her little pixie voice: “I na map. I na map, I na map, I na maaap.”
I’ll admit I’d just finished my second glass of wine at this point. We don’t typically crack Mommy and Daddy’s Special Juice before the kids are in bed, but it was Friday night and we’d had an especially long week, so we figured we’d get the party started a little early.
Sufficiently buzzed and succumbing to the crippling cuteness of my daughter’s singing voice, I thought I’d bury the hatchet with The Map once and for all and sing along with my daughter and my former navigational nemesis.
I looked up at the screen and began. “I’m the map, I’m the…”
And that’s when it hit me.
I stood straight up and hit “pause” on the remote, prompting my entire family to turn my way with facial expressions screaming “Why. The f*ck. Did you pause. The Map?”
“Oh my God!” I gasped, pointing at the screen. “Do you see this?”
“See what?” my wife replied, preparing to roll her eyes.
“Da Map!” my daughter answered.
“No, baby. That’s just it. Is it The Map? Or is it all just a lie?”
“What are you talking about?” asked my baffled wife.
“I can’t believe I’ve never noticed this before! Here, look at this! Look at this!”
I walked right up to the screen and pointed to the singing map in the corner. “Okay, that’s The Map, right?”
“We assume he’s The Map because he sings ‘I’m The Map’ roughly 500 times, right?”
“Okay, but now look where he is!” I then traced the outer border on the screen–the border of…wait for it…THE ACTUAL MAP.
“He IS the map. So why he ON the map?” I declared proudly.
My wife stared blankly. “Because it’s a cartoon?”
“No, no, listen. Don’t you see? Just look at it. He’s a map on The Map claiming that he’s The Map, but he’s not The Map. He’s like, The Meta-Map. Don’t you see? It’s all a lie!”
“Sure, babe,” she replied, smiling politely and taking another sip of wine. “So…can we put Dora back on for the kids now?”
My son looked up from the Lego car he was building. “Daddy…play Dora…”
“Okay, fine. But I just want everyone to know that when that guy sings that song, he’s a freaking liar.”
Pushing play, I took my seat back on the couch as my wife and two children sang along with The Meta-Map:
“I’m The Map, I’m The Map, I’m The Maaap…”
Meanwhile, under my breath, I crafted a new set of lyrics:
“No you’re not, no you’re not, no you’re nooot…”
This isn’t over, Meta Map. Our children deserve the truth.
You may also enjoy:
If not, at least I’m not a liar.
Haha. How funny is that, I actually have never noticed that before. You’re a great dad btw!
It’s time for him to come clean. Just repeating it over and over again doesn’t make it right.
Took you long enough. I figured that out on my 2nd or 3rd viewing of the show. There’s some bizarre shit going on with Dora and Diego. THE MONKEY HAS NO PANTS!
I actually expected you to post a video of your daughter singing the song though.
And I’m pinning your map/meta-map picture on my Pinterest board.
I have to admit, I tried to get my daughter to sing it for the post, but as usual, she only does it when my phone’s not ready. She really needs to get on the ball.
Actualy, yeah, it does seem odd that Boots is self-aware but doesn’t wear pants. Fascinating…
Thanks for sharing, man! I truly appreciate it!
I’ve always assumed “The Map” was just a subtle creation of Microsoft. It’s designed to sit there and flaunt its ability to help you while distracting you from your document that you’re trying to study. Sound familiar?
Yes, “The Map” is just an introduction to “The Paperclip” guy in Word. And yes, it’s got an Inception feel to it as well. Even more proof that Dora is just a video game that has gained a semi-sentient state. She knows enough to know she’s alive, but not enough to know that she resides in a pixelated prison being controlled by a cadre of toddlers.
Holy crap! You’re right! He might as well be singing “It looks like you’re going to write a letter? Can I help try to help you by messing with your formatting?”
There’s definitely some crazy Inception-style layers happening there. I completely forgot that it’s all a video game. At this point, my eyes glaze over when they show the beginning where we jump into the screen like The Matrix.
This issue definitely merits further research.
Congratulations on such a fine performance! You’ve just been nominated as a very inspiring Blogger! please accept your award at http://riceyswifey.wordpress.com/2013/03/04/i-love-bloggers-award-act-two/
cue the applause!!
Much Love Marie !
Holy crap! I didn’t even know I was nominated! When will my lifetime supply of chocolate arrive? I swear, I never talked to Slugworth.
I’m afraid the chocolate… Well there is non lol
Well, I did steal Fizzy Lifting Drinks, so that’s probably fair.
You know it’s serious when an Internet Meme has been created…
Exactly! I’m hoping this one out-Ermahgurds Ermahgurd.
Oooh dear, I just instinctively looked for the “like” button on that comment. What does that say about my internet usage, I wonder? :P
I’m sure the day will come when children no longer know how to laugh. Instead they’ll just smile sardonically and say, “Lol… Like.”
Sadly, there are some that already do that. Having taught middle school, I experienced it firsthand. It was so sad. It mad me want to say “Colon, left parentheses.”
Oh, technology, what are you doing to us?
Flirting in the year 2043:
“Semi-colon, right parenthesis.”
Mommy and Daddy juice….I love it. You’re better than I am though. We can’t wait until they’re in bed. And thankfully, my boys are old enough now that they aren’t so much into Dora anymore….but oh, I remember that effing song!!!!
Yeah, we don’t always hold out until bedtime, but we’re pretty good about it. Congratulations on graduating from that effing song. As for me, I can’t wait, I can’t wait, I can’t wait, I can’t wait, I can’t wait…
I hate Dora. She never has a bad day or gets mad. Thanks for putting that song in my head. ;)
Yeah, that’s true. She has only one emotion: elation. Maybe she’s in denial.
Sorry about getting it your head.
Actually, no I’m not. I’m taking you all down with me. ;)
OK. So, first of all – thank you very much for bringing back something that I had buried deep inside for the last 7 years. Secondly, you are a little bit nuts. And Tres-ly, have you heard Brian Regan’s take on the writing of the song? It’s pretty funny.
First of all, you’re so very welcome. You know you missed it. Secondly, you’re probably right. Boots told me the same thing the other day in Spanglish, but I refused to accept it. Tres-ly, I have not heard it, but will definitely check it out.
My son is always saying, “Map, Map” when he wants to watch Dora. I’m guessing it’s easier to say. The few times Jaydon has said Dora it comes out “ora.”
Jaydon loves the show. And so far I have not gotten tired of it.
Nevertheless I have started to introduce other educational shows to Jaydon like Leapfrog.
The Adventures of Jaydon and Daddy
I just came across this post. After having the same revelation. Also while drinking wine.
Maybe we should drink it more often and see what else we discover.