Is Today a Holiday or Something?
I spread myself thinly across multiple, often conflicting responsibilities. Student John and Stay-At-Home-Dad are in a constant death match, each plotting against the other to undermine the otherwise phenomenal jobs they each perform. They let Writer John out of his crate roughly once a week, and as soon as that latch is lifted, Writer John careens through the door and sprints figure eights around the living room with the laptop, spouting mirthful gibberish like The Great Cornholio. But as soon as Writer John has flung his brainchild out into the tangled Interweb, he’s back in the holding cell, from which he shouts genius ideas for blogs, novels, and 3-D feature films, hoping against hope that the other Johns hear, but knowing deep down that a majority of them tragically will vanish into the ether, neglected and unwritten. While all of this goes on, Husband John–the unofficial fearless leader–watches from the couch. It’s been difficult for Husband John to get a word in as of late, with all of the demands the others have needed to handle, but at the last chapter meeting, he dropped a bomb on everyone.
“So has anyone had any thoughts about what we’re doing for Valentine’s Day?”
The room fell silent.
“You all forgot, didn’t you?”
“It’s not that we forgot,” piped Student John. “It’s just that there’s been so many deadlines lately.”
An elated voice emanated from the crate in the corner, “She said she wanted us to write her a story, remember? Since we’re so good at that.”
“Yeah, but when were we supposed to do that? Between all the screams and dishwashing, I can barely get a load of laundry folded,” huffed Stay-At-Home-Dad John.
Husband John was steadfast. “Guys, we’re doing this. Stay-At-Home-Dad John, you’re going to get us a sitter so we can go out to dinner. Student John, I’m sorry, but we’re going to need to use some of your precious nerding-out study time to get this done. And Writer John, I’m going to let you out–”
“NICE!”
“–but only if you promise to focus.”
“Fine. So should the story we’re writing for her go on the blog? After all, it’s been about a week since the last Twincident… Just sayin’…”
“No. The story’s for her. Just her.”
“Well, if there’s time, do you think maybe I could fire something off quickly, possibly as a warm-up? We don’t want to leave the Loyal Readers empty-handed. Plus–and I’m just spitballing here–maybe it could be a reminder to to everyone that we all get busy, but it’s important to take time to show your appreciation for the one you love.”
“Isn’t that what Valentine’s Day itself is for?” sneered Student John.
“Yeah, smartass,” answered Husband John. “But you still have to follow through.”
“Touché.”
“All right, everyone. You know your assignments. Let’s do this. Meeting adjourned.”
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Happy Valentine’s Day, O Loyal Reader, from all of the Johns here at Twinfamy!
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You may also enjoy:
If not, we’re coming for you.
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Twinfamy 
You better get a hold of Student John. That guy has a bit of an attitude. And let Writer John know, Writer Jimmy sympathizes with him.
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I know. Student John seriously needs a chill pill. Possibly a prescription.
I just passed your comment along to Writer John. He smiled wide and said, “I had a feeling Writer Jimmy knows what’s up. Hey, that just gave me a great idea for another post. Can you let me out real quick?”
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I read this while sitting in front of the TV with my kids watching Toy Story, and it was actually the scene with the “staff meeting.” So, in my head, all your different Johns sound like characters from the movie. Husband John is voiced by Tom Hanks, of course.
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Love it! Might I suggest Tim Allen (Buzz) for Student John, Don Rickles (Mr. Potato Head) for Stay-At-Home-Dad John, and Wallace Shawn (Rex) for Writer John?
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Writer John sounds a lot like Writer Jen, what with the Cornholio and all.
I hope all your Johns collaborated so The Minister of Wifehood doesn’t come down hard on them! :) I suspect you did something nice for her.
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Glad to hear Writer John isn’t alone. What kind of crate are you using for Writer Jen? (We’re thinking if giving him more room.)
We did pull off something fantastic–dinner at a fancy and arguably schmancy restaurant, as well as getting an epic tale from our formative years as a couple down on paper.
It just goes to show what you can accomplish if you, yourself, yourself, and yourself all work together.
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You had me at death match. I seriously had images from that old MTV stand-by with me through the whole piece. Funny.
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Love it! Yeah, that was a great little show. I’m typically a fan of anything involving claymation.
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Student John – I love nerds. You are fabulous. All of you are. (-:
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Thanks so much, especially from Student John. He works so hard, and even though he means well, most of the time he comes off as a tightly-wound workaholic. He thanks you for seeing past that.
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Please let Writer John out more often! He’s my favorite!
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“Did you hear that?” bubbled a voice from the crate. “She said you guys should let me out more often! What do you think about that?”
“Dude, you’re a blast,” Husband John replied. “We love having you around. In fact, your work was a big hit with the wife last night.”
“Right?”
“But–”
“Aw, there’s always a ‘but.'”
“We all have one. Otherwise, what would we sit on?”
“That was a terrible joke.”
“Well, that’s why you’re the Writer. Anyway, you know we let you out whenever we have a free second.”
“I know. You do. It just seems like there ought to be more opportunities than there are.”
Stay-At-Home-Dad stomped into the room, a Twin in each arm. “Can you guys keep it down in here? I’m trying to get them down for a nap.”
“Oh, good,” said Student John. “That’ll give us time to work on that project due tomorrow.”
“Wrong,” Stay-At-Home-Dad John replied. “That pile of dirty dishes we’ve ignored since last night isn’t going to wash itself.”
Husband John stepped in. “Okay, we’ll do the dishes first, then the project if there’s time.”
Writer John cleared his throat exaggeratedly.
“Sorry, man,” apologized Husband John.
“Yeah,” added Student John. “It’s just that you’re higher on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs than we are.”
“Huh?” the other three Johns grunted.
“It’s a thing. Look it up.”
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“An elated voice emanated from the crate in the corner” This made me snort. And thank you thank you for mentioning laundry. I totally forgot about my husband’s clothes in the washer. If I forget to dry them, tomorrow will be day 2 of him not having…um…those clothes you wear under your…. Never mind. I’ve said too much. Thanks for the reminder!
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Glad to hear it was snortworthy. You’re welcome for the reminder. Aside from the kids themselves, our lives seem to also revolve around laundry, so I hear that.
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i just found this blog, and it’s wonderful! I know it wasn’t the post you linked up, but the “sh!tfaced” one almost killed me. I look forward to reading more.
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Thanks so much! Yeah, “Sh!tfaced” is still one of my favorites. Welcome aboard!
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Writer John needs more time out of the crate.Because he rocks.
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Aw, shucks. Thanks so much. I assure you, we let him out whenever we can without everything else falling apart. It’s not as often as we’d like, but until we can get one of those Time Turners from Harry Potter, it is what it is.
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All those Johns seems to work together pretty well. Looks like you got it under control. Couldn’t tell you which one my favourite one is, I think I might need writing samples from each of them :)
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Yeah, most of the time the group is pretty cooperative. We have to be, otherwise it would just be a non-stop fist-fight and nothing would ever get done.
As for writing samples, Writer John is really the one that handles all of that. Student John is way too busy trying to read dry academic journals during naptime, Stay-At-Home-Dad John is usually either teaching numbers and colors during playtime or flipping off laundry piles. And then there’s Husband John, who–aside from presiding over chapter meetings–spends most of him time NOT doing anything but paying attention to the wife.
Writer John’s pretty good at capturing each’s voice in his own work, however.
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Maybe each John needs a turn in the crate. I mean, just to be fair and all. Do you take turns surprising The Wife when she comes home? I mean, that’s kinda fun – it’s like she gets to practice polygamy but without the legal complications. I smell SITCOM!
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An interesting suggestion. I think The Wife would be pretty upset if Husband John took any turns in the crate. For the most part, she usually knows which of us she’s talking to at any given moment, so the surprise factor is fairly low. Plus, she doesn’t really like surprises. Keeping a gift for her a secret is just about the most exhausting thing in the world. If you are offering me a sitcom deal, I accept. Just overnight me the paperwork and we’ll get this baby rolling.
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So actually, you’re the Three Johns? You could form an arcane, drum-machines driven post-punk band and go and live in the late eighties!
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You found us. We’ve been keeping a low profile for all of these years, but yes, we’ve settled down, started a family, and now have twins. The John-to-baby ratio still works in our favor, so that’s been nice.
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I was grinning the whole time… so glad to know I’m not the only one with more than one of me walking around!!
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Yeah, it gets a little crowded, especially when we’re cooking in the kitchen, but it is what it is, so we manage.
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As one SAHD of boy/girl twins to another: I remember when my twins where the age yours are (just – it was about a year ago), & I barely had time to wipe the vomit off my pyjamas, let alone study for a PhD & write a great blog like this. And that was with my wife at home too. I take my hat off to you Sir!
Also: can I borrow your cloning machine please? Just for a little while. Thanks
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Hehe. I truly appreciate that, man. It’s definitely overwhelming at times, but I love my life.
I actually broke the cloning machine. Seems I made one too many. I didn’t need to make Ninja Assassin John or The John With The Mullet, but I couldn’t resist. And wouldn’t you know it? The thing crapped out a week after the warranty expired.
Ninja Assassin John is currently on the job, and will bring us to justice.
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