This is a picture of my son doing an impression of a zombie, but it might as well be a picture of me as of late.
If you’re anything like I imagine you to be, you’re checking in here at least twice a day to make sure your eyes aren’t deceiving you, and possibly even calling your Internet provider claiming that your strand of the World Wide Web must be tangled in a knot, resulting in the loss of almost a month’s worth of Twincidents.
“Surely John hasn’t stopped writing!” you lament, blotting tears of frustration off your trackpad. “Surely it is the Internet’s fault! I knew I should never have trusted Charlie. That kid bit his own brother’s finger without batting an eye. And it really hurt!”
No, Charlie has not bitten off my fingers, thus crippling me as a typist. And no, a LOLcat has not taken off running with my laptop, enthusiastically meowing “I can has computer?” And I certainly have not been busily studying the craft of how to write in a more Gangnam Style.
No, you must free your mind from these highly possible scenarios, O Loyal Reader. The truth is that lately, I just haven’t had a free frickin’ moment to sit down and spew genius into this fine publication. The reasons will probably not surprise you, since many of you have already told me you don’t know how I’m able to write at all while spending half of my week wrangling twin toddlers and the other half getting my PhD on. Factor in being a trophy husband and maintaining a shadow of a social life, and there’s not a whole lot of time left for pseudo-clever wordplay and bow-wearing stick figures.
I spread myself thinly across multiple, often conflicting responsibilities. Student John and Stay-At-Home-Dad are in a constant death match, each plotting against the other to undermine the otherwise phenomenal jobs they each perform. They let Writer John out of his crate roughly once a week, and as soon as that latch is lifted, Writer John careens through the door and sprints figure eights around the living room with the laptop, spouting mirthful gibberish like The Great Cornholio. But as soon as Writer John has flung his brainchild out into the tangled Interweb, he’s back in the holding cell, from which he shouts genius ideas for blogs, novels, and 3-D feature films, hoping against hope that the other Johns hear, but knowing deep down that a majority of them tragically will vanish into the ether, neglected and unwritten. While all of this goes on, Husband John–the unofficial fearless leader–watches from the couch. It’s been difficult for Husband John to get a word in as of late, with all of the demands the others have needed to handle, but at the last chapter meeting, he dropped a bomb on everyone.
“So has anyone had any thoughts about what we’re doing for Valentine’s Day?”
The room fell silent.
“You all forgot, didn’t you?”
My son has created a catch phrase that very well could sweep the nation. You may not have heard it yet because it is currently being swept under the nation’s rug, but once this news hits the interweb, look out.
The pop culture revolution began with my mother, who watches the Twins twice a week while I doctorize on campus. As the kids slowly become geniuses just like their parents, they are constantly acquiring new skills and lifehacks–like standing up and walking on their own, infiltrating government-grade security measures, or composing their very first rock opera (entitled American Infant) with nothing but a toy xylophone and Daddy’s GarageBand app.
Appropriately, whenever the Twins would use their newfound superpowers for good, my mother made a point to positively reinforce these behaviors, thus congratulating, “You did it!”
This became an overnight chart-topper with the kids, and soon, around November, every time my son accomplished a task, he’d triumphantly proclaim, “Did it!”
PHOENIX, Ariz. – In a reportedly packed surprise press conference late Wednesday evening, John Pseudonymous, esteemed author and CEO of Twinfamy made an announcement sure to rock the Internet to its very core: the unveiling of Twinfamy Logo 2.0, the site’s brand new game-changing brand.
“With the advent of Google+ and its pretty animated circles and colors,” Pseudonymous commented, massaging the unkempt stubble on his chin, “I found myself asking, ‘Where’s my plus? I can add, too. I was a Mathlete, for crying out loud.'”
Amidst an onslaught of hand-raising journalists and blurted, burning questions, Pseudonymous impressively set the entire throng at ease by directing the audience to the chilled teething rings that had been placed underneath their seats.
Over the faint sounds of glomming and lip-smacks from what Pseudonymous estimated to be “at least a kajillion people,” he continued. “See, when I first started Twinfamy, I had an idea of what image would best represent the site, but realized that not everyone has a pair of 3-D glasses at home, or especially for viewing on-the-go via smartphone, so I spent minute after painstaking minute crafting the logo you’ve come to love and have doodled over and over again on your Trapper Keepers.”
“However, as we enter Twinfamy’s third month, I thought it was time to reassess our visual marketing campaign, so for the past few weeks, our Graphic Design Division has been completely rebuilding, revitalizing, and digitally remastering the logo, optimizing it not only for HD viewing but also Dolby 5.1 Surround Sound. The new look may feel a little drastic and unfamiliar at first, but we’re thrilled with the results and without further ado, will proudly present it to you now. For the first time ever, I give you Twinfamy Logo 2.0!”
Met first with a collective gasp and scattered fainting, the crowd erupted in enthusiastic applause.
One member of the press remarked, “I just…I can’t believe it. For the longest time it’s been unclear as to whether your daughter was the stick figure on the left or the right, and now…well, let’s just say I finally have clarity and will be able to sleep a lot easier tonight.”
“Thank you, O Loyal Reader,” Pseudonymous replied. “But how do you know for sure which one is my daughter?”
“…The…the bow. Isn’t that a bow on the one on the right?”
“Yes, it is, but how do you know it’s my daughter? Can’t boys wear bows, too? Don’t you think that’s a little gender-biased to assume?”
Pseudonymous’s stone-faced demeanor dissolved into a chuckle. “I’m just messing with you. Of course my daughter’s the one in the bow.”
Hilarity ensued as an estimated kajillion burst into a hearty round of laughter.
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If not, please file a complaint with the Twinfamy Quality Assurance Division.
People search the weirdest things on the Internet, and when they do, sometimes they visit my blog.
For those who don’t know, when you have a blog, you receive statistics about people who visit your site, and one of them is “Search Terms.” Basically, whenever someone runs a search on a site like Google, sees your site, and clicks on it, your blogging service tells you what that person was searching for when they reached your blog.
Most of the time, these search terms make sense. For example, many people find Twinfamy by searching “stay at home dad with twins.” However, every once in a while, I get some weird ones which make me wonder, “Who searched that?”
Many of these search terms are way too entertaining not to share, so some blogger friends and I started a site to showcase these search-term oddities and share our musings as to who might actually be searching for them.
You’ll also find the inaugural post entitled “Desperately Seeking Ear Deformities,” written by Yours Truly.
Hope you enjoy, and will check back often. If not, please continue to lurk here on Twinfamy daily.