The Only Times My Son Needs to Poop: An Exhaustive List

1. Two minutes before his swimming lesson starts.

2. When we should already have left the house 15 minutes ago.

3. In the middle of an amusement park ride.

4. Every time we walk into Target.

5. Just as our doctor enters the room for a check-up after we’ve been waiting 45 minutes.

6. At the beach.

7. When a server is about to take our orders at a restaurant.

8. The moment our food arrives at a restaurant.

9. On our way out of a restaurant.

10. Anyone’s house but ours.

11. At the park.

12. While I am sitting on the only available toilet.

13. While his sister is sitting on the only available toilet.

14. Three minutes after insisting he did not have to go while we were all in the public family restroom at the mall and each of his sisters dutifully utilized the toilet and changing table, but now we’re almost to the Disney Store on the other side of the mall.

15. While waiting in the McDonald’s drive-through line.

16. When he is on his bike five blocks from the house and claims to need to go too badly to pedal himself home and starts flipping the f*ck out and I somehow have to get his f*cking bike, his twin sister who is just too tired to pedal and her f*cking bike, and his baby sister and her stroller back home. Also, it is hot out.

17. In the middle of the new Pixar movie (which I actually wanted to see more than he did), even though I asked him at least five times before it started if he needed to go because I didn’t want to miss any key plot points.

18. While playing hide and seek, but refusing to give up his hiding spot even though he reeeeally has to go. I have to find him first and I have to hurry because he really needs to go, Daddy!

19. As he refuses to give me a hint where he is hiding and this time he for some reason has a really freaking great spot and I just keep him talking so I can follow his voice and I could swear he’s in the room somewhere…

20. When I finally find him in the corner of his closet and he is stuck and can’t get himself out.

21. In the most vile, piss puddled, rotting-sh!t-smelling restroom imaginable that he insists on touching everything in, but I figure it’s okay because I’ll just make sure we wash his hands really well, but then there’s no f*cking soap.

. . .

I made some other stupid lists here.


  1. emmilleriowa

    Oh my gosh. I needed this laugh today – as did my cube neighbor at work.

    I will add one – 15 miles past the last rest stop for 60 miles on I-29, leading to a side of the road tush hanging over the ditch poop while riders on their way to Sturgis drive past.

    Liked by 1 person

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