Ways I Have Attempted to Con My Kids Into Putting Their F*cking Shoes On: A Non-Exhaustive List

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1. Telling them, “Okay, it’s time to go. Kids, please get your shoes on.”

2. Adding, “Kids. Get your shoes on.”

3. Acknowledging that, yes, I KNOW they’re drawing pictures, but like I said, it’s time to go. Like right now.

4. Yes. Right now. This very instant. This moment in time. NOW.

5. Telling them to stop claiming they don’t know how to put their shoes on.

6. Telling them Santa is watching.

7. Reminding them that our Elf on the Shelf is right over there. See?

8. Saying that I’m sure the Easter Bunny is taking notes, too.

9. Telling them, no, Easter is not for a few months, but the important part is getting their f*cking shoes on.

10. Reminding them that Jesus is watching, too. Surely Jesus would get HIS shoes on.

11. Telling them that Big Brother is also watching, and realizing that it is a reference they will not understand, and explaining that, no, they do not have another brother, but that they DO have…to put their f*cking shoes on.

12. Saying I’m leaving without them.

13. Telling them no, no, no, of course I would never leave without them…as long as they put their f*cking shoes on.

14. Asking them to stop crying, I’m seriously not leaving without you. But now that I have your attention, please put your f*cking shoes on.

15. Telling them their shoes are hungry for feet. Look! Their tongues are sticking out!

16. “It’s a race! Who’s going to put theirs on first?”

17. “Second place is still pretty great. Stop crying.”

18. Saying we’re going to be late.

19. Telling them I know they don’t care if we’re late, but Daddy does.

20. Suggesting they might get a “treat” if they listen.

21. Saying they’ll never know what the treat is if they don’t put their f*cking shoes on.

22. Telling them to stop guessing what the treat is and put their f*cking shoes on.

23. Realizing I have no idea what the treat will be if they ever put their f*cking shoes on.

24. Asking them calmly if there is any particular reason they will not put their f*cking shoes on.

25. Telling my son he really should have told me fifteen minutes ago if he needs to poop because we were supposed to be in the car and halfway there by now. And also that his f*cking shoes should be on.

26. Asking my son to put on his shoes while he’s sitting there if he’s going to take that long on the toilet.

27. Asking him why he took his socks off before sitting on the toilet.

28. Putting his socks on him myself while he sings “God Bless America” loudly into my ear while still sitting on the toilet.

29. Asking my daughter how the f*ck she lost her f*cking shoes in the thirty seconds I was in the bathroom with her brother.

30. Telling my son that if he doesn’t like those socks he can go upstairs and find different ones.

31. Telling him I can’t get him different socks myself because I now need to find his sister’s shoes and then convince her to put them on.

32. Texting my wife who is wondering why we are not already there and telling her the kids won’t put their f*cking shoes on.

33. Receiving a text from my wife saying, “Why won’t they ever put their f*cking shoes on?”

34. Telling them to stop saying they don’t know how to put their shoes on. They’re almost five years old and they KNOW how to put their shoes on.

35. No, Daddy will not put their shoes on. There is no way in hell Daddy will put their shoes on at this point because it is now a matter of principle. We are already late anyway. They WILL put their own f*cking shoes on.

36. Waiting.

37. Telling them to stop singing “God Bless America.”

38. Glaring.

39. Telling them to stop singing “God Bless America.”

40. Glaring. Harder.

41. Waiting. Harder.

42. Looking at the clock.

43. Putting their f*cking shoes on myself.

44. Telling them that, yes, I do remember I said they could have a treat if they put their shoes on, but no, they’re not going to get that treat.

45. Because they didn’t put their f*cking shoes on.

. . .

[By the way, because it needs to be said in this day and age…

I do not actually say the word “f*cking” to my children. I can’t f*cking believe you assumed so. Are you f*cking kidding me?]

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56 comments

  1. antoniusrex

    Just…Just yes. I endorse this post for president. For Supreme Ruler of the grand Earth Defense Initiative. I think you know why.

    Because *my* kids won’t put their f*u*king shoes on. Why won’t any kids ever leave their f*u*king shoes on?

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Lexa

    Reblogged this on lexa and commented:
    Unbelievable observation in this piece by a Dad about his twins. And written in such a laugh out loud manner. Absolutely first class and way too good not to share. Observation number 25 is my fave Enjoy!

    Like

  3. Aletrick

    Reblogged this on Solace1nk and commented:
    This blog totally encapsulates almost every outing in my house for the past nine years! 25 thru 29 are strikingly similar to quite a few of my own experiences. Love this! (I am a father of fraternal twin nine year old boys)

    Like

  4. mb

    i’m dying to know where your daughter ended up losing her shoes… just came across your blog via the daily post, and love the way you portrayed this moment of the day in all of our lives (if we’re parents of young children). i found with my son, who is now 8, that telling him about lateness or clocks or even really about shoes or expectations, he never cared, and still doesn’t. at that age, i had a harder time getting him to get into the f*cking car, for some reason, than getting him to put his f*cking shoes on (probably because in oregon we just pull on rain boots year-round), and i found i always got the best results when i turned the car into a) the hogwarts express b) the millenium falcon or c) a landspeeder. i am trying to think how to play on their imagination with the shoes thing… but i see you tried that in #15. alas, it is hard to align little kids’ agendas with our own, some might say impossible. thanks for the hilarious read! i will look forward to more…

    Liked by 1 person

    • John Pseudonymous

      Thanks! Yeah, it’s hard to get kids to understand the need to be certain places at certain times. I have also found that playing make-believe sometimes even makes it take longer. “But if we’re getting in the Millennium Falcon, I need to go get my R2D2 and C-3PO, Daddy! We can’t leave without them!” It’s a trade-off. :)

      Like

  5. mistervanhiccups

    *Long sigh* Aaah, relishing in the memories. I have a five year old and two three year olds; all boys… and another on the way… that’s a lot of shoes! Am I crazy? In more ways than one.

    In my own personal experience I would have to add:

    46. Child trips into the big pail of dog water on your way out and it spills not only on your child’s pants but said shoes

    47. Having to find a pair of shoes that fit poor child as well as the occasion that you are obviously late for (this is after you have your child change into dry clothes, which is a whole nother blog in itself)

    48. Leaving you to pick up at your favorite step, personal preferences may include number 4; number 12; if you are that saint of a parent, number 32; or in most cases number 43, because lets face it, your statistics that the other child(ren) patiently waiting for you is very likely playing in the spilled puddle outside and you will have to relive these steps, is very high… so yeah…

    Like

  6. Pingback: #Momlife Monday- REBLOG Roundup | The Richness of a Simple Life

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