1. Two minutes before his swimming lesson starts.
2. When we should already have left the house 15 minutes ago.
3. In the middle of an amusement park ride.
4. Every time we walk into Target.
5. Just as our doctor enters the room for a check-up after we’ve been waiting 45 minutes.
6. At the beach.
7. When a server is about to take our orders at a restaurant.
8. The moment our food arrives at a restaurant.
9. On our way out of a restaurant.
10. Anyone’s house but ours.
11. At the park.
12. While I am sitting on the only available toilet.
13. While his sister is sitting on the only available toilet.
14. Three minutes after insisting he did not have to go while we were all in the public family restroom at the mall and each of his sisters dutifully utilized the toilet and changing table, but now we’re almost to the Disney Store on the other side of the mall.
15. While waiting in the McDonald’s drive-through line.
16. When he is on his bike five blocks from the house and claims to need to go too badly to pedal himself home and starts flipping the f*ck out and I somehow have to get his f*cking bike, his twin sister who is just too tired to pedal and her f*cking bike, and his baby sister and her stroller back home. Also, it is hot out. Continue reading
One of the most thrilling perks of being a PhD student stems from the suspense of visiting the campus restroom. No, really! I’m serious. When you share a space with undergraduate students, you never quite know what you’re going to see when you walk in the door, making for an always-captivating mini-sightseeing adventure, right in the middle of the day.
For instance, creative undergrad use of the facilities often leads to fantastic signs I’d think would be appropriate for my two-year-old son, and NOT for the over-18 crowd. Consider this gem I found in the Engineering building:
Yes, that’s right. Engineering students were apparently having so much trouble with the physics of their own fluids that a visual aid was deemed necessary.
Additional fantastic signage can be found in this newer, more upscale campus restroom:
Again, I could see this as a valid reminder for my two-year-olds, who will climb on absolutely anything they can reach. Had there been a strategically-placed stepstool in this facility, this sign could definitely have applied to them (that is, if they could read). However, I’m not so sure what grown man in his right mind would decide to sit on this sink. Not only would said psychopath drench his ass and get in the way of fellow patrons…but…I mean…why? Sure, there’s some pretty nice marble on this particular sink (I’m not taking that for granite–HAHAHAHAHA), but didn’t hanging out in the boys’ room stop being cool in middle school? Apparently not.
1. Right in front of the f*cking bathroom entrance.
2. Right in front of the f*cking FastPass dispenser.
3. Right in front of the f*cking Pirates of the Caribbean exit.
4. Right in front of the f*cking place I’ve been saving for 45 minutes so my kids can see the parade.
5. Right in front of the f*cking camera shot of my wife and kids in front of the Sleeping Beauty Castle.
It’s 8 p.m. and my wife and I emerge from the turnstiles marking the threshold of Disneyland. The Twins, on the other hand, have just entered Dreamland back at the hotel with my wife’s grandmother, who graciously volunteered to do so after walking around the park all day with us.
I feel considerably lighter without our progeny in tow and can’t fight the smirk on my face. While experiencing the Happiest Place on Earth with our children for the first time that day had been an absolute blast, we’d been restricted from the fast-moving “big kid” attractions, but now, for a few hours, the Land is our oyster.
As we hurry our way down Main Street, U.S.A. towards the iconic, lit-up Sleeping Beauty Castle, I take my wife’s hand and with the bubbly inflection of a seven-year-old, ask, “What do you want to go on first? Star Tours? Splash Mountain? Big Thunder?”
“All I really want to do right now is go to the bathroom.”
Wife: Okay, I’m going to work! Have fun today. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!
Me: So I can’t pee standing up?
Well, I thought it was a valid question.