The Pirate Pedicure

Twinfamy Pirate Flag

Avast, ye scurvy lubbers! As ye know, me crew set sail a fortnight ago in search of the Lost Treasure of a Freaking Break from Reality, rumored to be buried in the waters of the Hawaiian Isles.

Alas, while on this voyage, me crew and I be staying at a pirate timeshare on the island of Maui, and a loud plight fell upon the crew’s youngest male while his sister be napping, so I, as Captain, had to stifle this mutiny before it spread.

“Aarrrrgh you kidding me?” I growled softly, so as not to rouse the sleeping maiden. “Here be pirate stickers, Lad. Make your Captain a treasure map.”

The boy accepted the stickers with a toothy grin, as if to say, “Aye, Captain.”

“Aarrrrgh,” I muttered, this time victoriously. He be a good lad, methinks.

Returning to me swashbuckling practice (it be important to stay sharp, me hearties), I quickly be interrupted again.

Me lad had grown bored with plundering space on the treasure map parchment, and dust me doubloons, the boy decided “X” marked the spot elsewhere–on me foot.


If ye look with a spyglass, ye can still see me drillbit-kicking scars.

It appeared the lad had taken his Captain’s orders to the letter, literally making me a treasure map. Judging by the sun’s position and the clock app on me iPatch, he spent twenty minutes in deep focus, adding, re-arranging, and re-re-arranging his pieces of eight. It appeared showering his Captain with a Pirate Pedicure was more fun than a sea shanty karaoke happy hour.

As for his Captain, well, I just be glad I wasn’t forced to make him walk the plank.

When the young lass awoke, she lent a hand in the effort–her Captain’s hand.


Although me beauties tore out several hairs in a sort of unwarranted waxing session and we found hidden treasure stuck all over the Captain’s Quarters for the remainder of our voyage, they gave this old salty dog a good laugh, and I hadn’t even touched a drop of grog all day. Aye, they make me feel young again.

Which is apropos, as I have a feeling some of this pirate humor will Never Never Land.


This be Part 3 of the TwinfaMaui Saga, me hearties. There be more treasure here.


You may also enjoy:

Mahalo If You Hear Me   Fatherhood of the Unraveling Pants   Adventures in Baby-Proofing: Part 1 - There Will Be Blood

If not, the plank!

Don’t even try that “parlay” business. That only works in Disney movies.


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