Born to Rock

With Month-Marker Eight looming in the not-so-distant future, I find myself in futile daydreams of Steampunk time-pausing/travel inventions allowing me to (re)experience the unfathomably amazing moments of The First Year. Even though I’m with the Dynamic Duo more than anyone, it never feels like it’s enough because I know this babyhood thang is temporary.

I’d prefer not to tritely say “They grow up so fast” (even though it’s SO true), so I hereby submit a far greater phrase for nation-sweeping candidacy: “They grow up faster than a Red-Bull-guzzling cheetah in a Lamborghini on the Autobahn with his pregnant, twin-carrying cheetah wife going into labor.”

Go ahead, picture that for a minute. Man. Now that’s fast.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Even faster than Cameron Crowe's diligently-documented Times at Ridgemont High.

Coping with Age Velocity is common among parents, and I’ve found my personal remedy to be occupying as much hard drive space as possible with photos and HD video, immortalizing epic Twincidents on this fine publication, and simply being present. I’m as guilty as anyone of distracting myself with social media and my beloved television shows, but when I weigh reading Facebook statuses about going back to work again or pictures of meals people for some reason feel compelled to broadcast against snuggling my offspring or cracking them up to the point of hiccups with stupid human tricks, it’s a pretty easy decision.

Due to the recent addition of raptor-sharp teeth to Thing 1 and Thing 2’s mouths and their growing interest in non-cannibalistic foods, the Breastfeeding Buffet has officially closed up shop. It was a difficult journey for my wife, especially to feed twice the usual mouth quota with absolutely no experience, and I’m so unbelievably in awe of her resilience and desire to fill our Twinfants with the Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner of Champions. Now that it’s over, I know she feels like a layer of connection is missing between the munchkins and her, but it’s getting better as we’ve watched them exponentially blossom with the acquisition of new essential life skills such as playing toy pianos with one’s heel, biting one’s sibling’s toes, and escaping the clutches of a diaper-changing table at all costs.

So, as Cafe Mommy throws in the towel, pump, and Boppy, I’d like to commemorate its months of legendary customer service with a testimonial from our daughter.

But it’s not a verbal testimonial. It’s far greater.

Every night, just before bed, my daughter would get into her feeding groove, her eyes gradually closing as if losing herself in a shoegaze indie jam. And that’s when my wife and I knew it was coming.

The Pete Townshend Windmill.

That’s right. Believe it or not, with her mouth still firmly attached, our daughter would swing her arm just like the legendary guitarist of The Who. She’d do a few semi-circle warm-ups, and then rock out to the thumping of Mommy’s heartbeat.

How do I express to you, O Loyal Reader, the sheer awesomeness of this occurrence? My already-mind-blowingly-cute daughter…taking after my musical hero…PLUS BOOBIES!

Are you kidding me?

I will concede that her arm did not always travel as quickly as Pete’s. However, one particular adaptation of this iconic gesture is a dead-on representation of her breast-milk bliss–the future Wyld Stallyns fans in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

I may not have a time-traveling phone booth at my disposal, but I’ll still always be able to return to my daughter’s air-band performances in my mind’s eye, and, at least to me, Woodstock’s got nothing on them.

Pete Townshend

Townshend was not available for a comment, but it is said that he is only interested in discussing His Generation anyway.

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You may also enjoy:

Dirty Diaper Dodgeball   If MacGyver Were a Ninja...   Thunderstruck Thumb-Suck

If not, maybe you can invent a time machine and get that time back. If you do, let me know. I’m in the market for one.

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6 comments

  1. I've Become My Parents

    She is destined for greatness…or watching old rock operas and telling her friends to be excellent to each other. I don’t know which. My son used to do Beethoven hands–like he was playing the piano–on whatever boobie he wasn’t mutilating with his killer lip-grip. Alas, the only thing that stuck from that is a freakish fondness for fondling a single boob at a time; he hates piano and I’m afraid he’s going to have a lot of first dates.

    I guess what I’m saying is don’t run out and buy her a guitar just yet. But if you want a piano, let me know; we’ve got one we’re not using.

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    • John Pseudonymous

      I’ll take either the greatness or the rock opera/insisting upon excellence. I actually see that as a win-win.

      Now, about that piano. Funny you mention that–we’re actually saving up for one, so just let me know when you’re coming by to drop it off and we’ll make you a path through the boxes we still haven’t unpacked.

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  2. Sarah Richardson

    Bravo to your wife for making it so long! Breastfeeding is no easy task and on double duty- even harder!

    She is the real rock star! I hope you buy her diamonds and shower her with your praise for years to come.

    (and you should see the shenanigans that go on when a toddler breastfeeds…)

    Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      Yes, my wife is a champion. Rumor has it she’s up for a Breastie Award this year. We’re crossing our fingers. Every so often I look in the couch cushions for change and every time I find any it goes into a jar marked “Diamonds” so don’t worry. I’m on it.

      I’d rather not see the shenanigans that go on when a toddler breastfeeds. It does not sound conducive to awesomeness. Have you witnessed this phenomenon?

      Like

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