Not a whole lot has gone right in the Pseudonymous Household this week. In fact, the most prominent scientists in the field have estimated the past few days to have kicked my hindquarters more forcibly than a ninja grizzly bear/man hybrid shuts a vehicular door.
Be not afraid, O Loyal Reader. Nothing serious has transpired–it just seems a devious conglomerate of small, annoying occurrences has established an Axis of Evil bent on thwarting our usually positive outlook. Everyone has bad weeks now and then, and apparently our number has been called at the Deli of Life, serving us an open can of Whoop-Ass (an alleged derivative of Spam) instead of the grocery-store-club-card-discounted honey-roasted turkey we asked for. Don’t you just hate that?
Such a week would usually be excellent fodder for this fine publication, but it’s been so hectic that I don’t even have the time to sufficiently thrill you with a proper Twincident.
However, I do have the time to play you a thematically-relevant song on a baby toy.
Here, in Twinfamy’s first-ever musical performance, is Yours Truly rocking the seminal opening riff of The Rolling Stones’ “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction”…on a Baby Einstein Count and Compose Piano.
Forgive me for not working out the whole song. I only have five notes in my arsenal with this particular instrument.
. . .
Fortunately, the week is almost over. I have no doubt that the smoke will soon clear, and the elusive Satisfaction will be re-gotten. In the meantime, the Twinfants and I will be here in the playroom, dancing our cares away, just like they used to do down at Fraggle Rock.
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If not, perhaps you should take our dancing-away-of-cares invitation more seriously.
With Month-Marker Eight looming in the not-so-distant future, I find myself in futile daydreams of Steampunk time-pausing/travel inventions allowing me to (re)experience the unfathomably amazing moments of The First Year. Even though I’m with the Dynamic Duo more than anyone, it never feels like it’s enough because I know this babyhood thang is temporary.
I’d prefer not to tritely say “They grow up so fast” (even though it’s SO true), so I hereby submit a far greater phrase for nation-sweeping candidacy: “They grow up faster than a Red-Bull-guzzling cheetah in a Lamborghini on the Autobahn with his pregnant, twin-carrying cheetah wife going into labor.”
Go ahead, picture that for a minute. Man. Now that’s fast.
Coping with Age Velocity is common among parents, and I’ve found my personal remedy to be occupying as much hard drive space as possible with photos and HD video, immortalizing epic Twincidents on this fine publication, and simply being present. I’m as guilty as anyone of distracting myself with social media and my beloved television shows, but when I weigh reading Facebook statuses about going back to work again or pictures of meals people for some reason feel compelled to broadcast against snuggling my offspring or cracking them up to the point of hiccups with stupid human tricks, it’s a pretty easy decision.
Due to the recent addition of raptor-sharp teeth to Thing 1 and Thing 2’s mouths and their growing interest in non-cannibalistic foods, the Breastfeeding Buffet has officially closed up shop. It was a difficult journey for my wife, especially to feed twice the usual mouth quota with absolutely no experience, and I’m so unbelievably in awe of her resilience and desire to fill our Twinfants with the Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner of Champions. Now that it’s over, I know she feels like a layer of connection is missing between the munchkins and her, but it’s getting better as we’ve watched them exponentially blossom with the acquisition of new essential life skills such as playing toy pianos with one’s heel, biting one’s sibling’s toes, and escaping the clutches of a diaper-changing table at all costs.
So, as Cafe Mommy throws in the towel, pump, and Boppy, I’d like to commemorate its months of legendary customer service with a testimonial from our daughter.
But it’s not a verbal testimonial. It’s far greater.
Every night, just before bed, my daughter would get into her feeding groove, her eyes gradually closing as if losing herself in a shoegaze indie jam. And that’s when my wife and I knew it was coming.
The Pete Townshend Windmill.
That’s right. Believe it or not, with her mouth still firmly attached, our daughter would swing her arm just like the legendary guitarist of The Who. She’d do a few semi-circle warm-ups, and then rock out to the thumping of Mommy’s heartbeat.
How do I express to you, O Loyal Reader, the sheer awesomeness of this occurrence? My already-mind-blowingly-cute daughter…taking after my musical hero…PLUS BOOBIES!
Are you kidding me?
I will concede that her arm did not always travel as quickly as Pete’s. However, one particular adaptation of this iconic gesture is a dead-on representation of her breast-milk bliss–the future Wyld Stallyns fans in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.
I may not have a time-traveling phone booth at my disposal, but I’ll still always be able to return to my daughter’s air-band performances in my mind’s eye, and, at least to me, Woodstock’s got nothing on them.
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If not, maybe you can invent a time machine and get that time back. If you do, let me know. I’m in the market for one.