Overheard in a Suburban Phoenix Neighborhood
Posted by John Pseudonymous
Are you really done with the stroller?
Because we’re six blocks from home. Are you really going to make me carry you six blocks?
You do realize there’s a reason we bring the stroller, right? See those things down there? What shape are they?
That’s right–they’re circles. See, the circles are wheels, and they make it so Daddy doesn’t have to carry you and your brother while we walk around the neighborhood because if Daddy had to do that, Daddy would probably throw out his back.
In fact, Daddy’s feeling his back right now. Do you see what Daddy’s carrying you with?
That’s right! That’s an arm. Good job, Baby Girl! How many arms is Daddy using to carry you? Let’s count them. Ready?
That’s right. Daddy’s only using one arm. Where is Daddy’s other arm? Do you see Daddy’s other arm? Where is Daddy’s other arm?
THERE’S Daddy’s other arm! Daddy’s other arm is pushing the stroller because your brother is still in the stroller. Do you see how good your brother is being? See that? He’s even drinking his juice.
‘atta boy, buddy.
Wait, a minute, what’s that? Do you see that? Do you see the other thing in Daddy’s hand that’s pushing the stroller? That’s right! It’s a leash! Good job, baby!
Why is Daddy holding the leash? Oh, look! It’s our doggie. What is the doggie doing?
Oh, crap. The doggie is DOING. We gotta pick that up with this little baggie.
Are you sure you don’t want to get back in the stroller? Let’s just try it out.
Okay, never mind. Obviously, that was a bad idea. It’s okay, Baby Girl. Daddy’s sorry. Daddy just thought it was worth a shot because Daddy has to bend down to pick up the yuckies. Here, let me wipe your eyes. Daddy’s sorry. Daddy loves you.
Here, we’ll bend down together. Just don’t touch the yuckies. Daddy forgot to bring wipes.
Aaaaaand…count it! We got it!
Good job not touching, Baby Girl. Now we’ll tie this baggie up and we’re gonna put it in the bottom of the stroller, and when Daddy sees a garbage can we’re gonna get rid of it because it smells pretty bad, huh? Yucky.
How you doing, Big Boy? Haha, I know. It IS funny that Daddy’s carrying Sister, isn’t it?
So how many more blocks, Baby Girl? Do you remember? We have to go down that way and then take one… two… more turns until we’re home. That’s right–two blocks!
Oh look, there’s a garbage can. Watch–Daddy’s going to OPEN the can, put the yuckies in, and now Daddy’s going to CLOSE the can.
So, baby, I just want you to know that Daddy’s arm is starting to feel the burn a little bit. I know you have no idea what I’m talking about, but somehow it feels better to say so than to keep it to myself. It’s probably good for me anyway. It’s not like Daddy has time to go to the gym or anything, huh? It’s kind of like doing one really long curl and holding it for six blocks. Maybe Daddy should do this more often. Daddy would be a beast.
Of course, this can’t be good for Daddy’s back. Maybe Daddy should wear a weightlifting belt when we go for walks. Daddy would look like the coolest Daddy ever, wouldn’t he?
Haha, don’t look so concerned. Daddy’s not really going to do do that. Daddy knows he wouldn’t look cool–Daddy was being sarcastic. You and your brother are going to need to learn how sarcasm works or else you probably won’t understand anything Mommy or Daddy ever say.
Are you sure you don’t want to get back in the stroller for this last block? It’d be easier for Daddy to get us back in the house. Here, let’s try.
Okay, never mind. Sorry again. It’s naptime, isn’t it? I think somebody’s tired.
Buddy, what do you think? Naptime?
Oh, look, Baby Girl. Buddy’s already asleep. It is most definitely naptime.
So what’s so different about today, anyway? Every other time we’ve ever done this, you’ve either fallen asleep in the stroller like your brother or kicked and laughed the whole way. What’s the deal?
Is it because it’s a Monday? Do you miss Mommy? Daddy misses Mommy, too, especially because if Mommy were here Daddy wouldn’t need to carry you and hold onto the stroller and the doggie at the same time.
But we’re almost there.
Do you see it? Do you see our house?
Daddy can’t wait.
Daddy’s arm is spasming.
Watch this–Daddy’s going to push this button and the garage door is going to go up. Do you want to push it?
No, no, don’t put it in your mouth. We need to push the button.
Did you really need to throw it, Baby Girl?
All right, let’s pick it up.
Okay, Daddy’s going to push it this time.
Look, baby! Do you see the door going up? How magical is Daddy?
That’s right. Very magical.
All right! We made it! Wave buh-bye to the outside.
Good waving, baby! Buh-bye!
You may also enjoy these other neighborhood-walk adventures:
If not, be careful out there.
About John PseudonymousStay-at-home trophy husband & father of 2-year-old fraternal boy/girl twins; writer of Twinfamy, the epic parenting and humor blog; PhD student; undiscovered rock star
Posted on January 17, 2012, in Family, Humor, Hyperreality, Parenting, SAHD, Stay At Home Dad, Twins and tagged Arizona, Baby Girl, baby laugh, back, baggie, Big Boy, blocks, brother, Buddy, buh-bye, carry, circle, coolnees, count it, crying, daughter, dog, double jogging stroller, FAIL, family, father of twins, garage door, garage door opener, garage door remote, garbage, gym, jogging stroller, juice, laughing, learn, learning, magic, Monday, monologue, morning walk, nap, naptime, neighborhood, new parent, overheard, Phoenix, poop, SAHD, sarcasm, shape, son, spasm, stay at home dad, stroller, suburbs, throw, throwing out one's back, Twincidents, twins, walk, wave, weightlifting, weightlifting belt, wheel, wife, yuckies. Bookmark the permalink. 51 Comments.