Tagged: sarcasm

Waveform

Overheard in a Suburban Phoenix Neighborhood

WaveformReally, Baby Girl?

Are you really done with the stroller?

Because we’re six blocks from home. Are you really going to make me carry you six blocks?

You do realize there’s a reason we bring the stroller, right? See those things down there? What shape are they?

That’s right–they’re circles. See, the circles are wheels, and they make it so Daddy doesn’t have to carry you and your brother while we walk around the neighborhood because if Daddy had to do that, Daddy would probably throw out his back.

In fact, Daddy’s feeling his back right now. Do you see what Daddy’s carrying you with?

That’s right! That’s an arm. Good job, Baby Girl! How many arms is Daddy using to carry you? Let’s count them. Ready?

One…

That’s right. Daddy’s only using one arm. Where is Daddy’s other arm? Do you see Daddy’s other arm? Where is Daddy’s other arm?

THERE’S Daddy’s other arm! Daddy’s other arm is pushing the stroller because your brother is still in the stroller. Do you see how good your brother is being? See that? He’s even drinking his juice.

‘atta boy, buddy.

Continue reading

Michael Keaton as Mr. Mom

Don’t Call Me Mr. Mom

Someone Who Shall Remain Nameless: So are you still being Mr. Mom?

Me: You know, the term “Dad” works just fine.

Michael Keaton as Mr. Mom

I feel you, 1980s Michael Keaton.

Sure, I could have just let it go. I could have replied, “Yes, I am still being Mr. Mom.” thus avoiding the awkward pause that ensued. Don’t take it personally, I used to tell myself. It’s just a (tired, lame, unfunny) joke. But this terminology is pinned on me often and I have recently decided I am done with just letting it go.

It’s not that I feel emasculated wrangling the Twins all week. I challenge any “man’s man” who thinks stay-at-home parenting is for sissies to actually try it for one day. (In fact, I imagine it could make for a thoroughly entertaining reality show, with each episode culminating in a grown man sobbing.) It’s definitely not easy, but at the same time it’s also the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. Many fathers would jump at the opportunity to spend as much time with their children as I do, especially at this age. I blinked when they were eight months old and was suddenly thrown into a DeLorean which promptly accelerated to 88 miles per hour, traversing space and time to today, as I open my eyes and find them eleven months old. Until I can get the Flux Capacitor to flux again, I make an effort each day to take it all in (and document it in HD) because I know how fleeting babyhood is.

Continue reading