Tagged: father of twins

So Many Adults

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Yes, that’s right. The Twins are five. Which means they are now (il)legal adults.

You can read more Twinfamy Comics here.

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Ways I Have Attempted to Con My Kids Into Putting Their F*cking Shoes On: A Non-Exhaustive List

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1. Telling them, “Okay, it’s time to go. Kids, please get your shoes on.”

2. Adding, “Kids. Get your shoes on.”

3. Acknowledging that, yes, I KNOW they’re drawing pictures, but like I said, it’s time to go. Like right now.

4. Yes. Right now. This very instant. This moment in time. NOW.

5. Telling them to stop claiming they don’t know how to put their shoes on.

6. Telling them Santa is watching.

7. Reminding them that our Elf on the Shelf is right over there. See?

8. Saying that I’m sure the Easter Bunny is taking notes, too.

9. Telling them, no, Easter is not for a few months, but the important part is getting their f*cking shoes on.

10. Reminding them that Jesus is watching, too. Surely Jesus would get HIS shoes on.

11. Telling them that Big Brother is also watching, and realizing that it is a reference they will not understand, and explaining that, no, they do not have another brother, but that they DO have…to put their f*cking shoes on.

12. Saying I’m leaving without them.

13. Telling them no, no, no, of course I would never leave without them…as long as they put their f*cking shoes on.

14. Asking them to stop crying, I’m seriously not leaving without you. But now that I have your attention, please put your f*cking shoes on.

15. Telling them their shoes are hungry for feet. Look! Their tongues are sticking out! Continue reading

Boy Story


“Guess what, Daddy?” My son said matter-of-factly while putting on his shoes. “There’s another little boy at my school who has the same Spider-Man shoes as me.”

My son is a little on the shy side, so I was excited to hear about him connecting with another kid in his class.

“Cool, Buddy. What’s his name?”

“I don’t know.”

“Oh, well you should ask him. You could say, ‘Hey, look! We have the same shoes on. That’s pretty cool. What’s your name?'”

My son took in this information slowly. He’s a slightly socially awkward overthinker like his daddy (sorry about that, Son), and he appeared to be considering maybe possibly beginning to plan to perhaps think about introducing himself, which made me smile. This is how he warms up to ideas, and then later claims they were his. This is Daddy’s own special form of Inception.

My daughter rounded the corner and joined us, grabbing her own shoes. “His name is Sam.” [This is not their classmate’s actual name, but let’s be silly gooses and play pretend that it is.]

“Oh,” I replied. “I know who he is. I met him and his Mommy the other day when I was dropping you off. He seems like a nice little boy.”

My daughter squinted skeptically. “Well, he kind of hits people.”

“What? Do the teachers stop him?”

“Sometimes,” she shrugged.

I honestly couldn’t imagine this kid doing any real damage. The Twins’ school is fantastic, and it’s unlikely he’d get away with anything actually worth worrying about. It’s more likely that he’s just doing what many little boys do–tending to get excited and full of energy and accidentally being too rough with others. My son is the same way, as are many of our friends’ sons. Still, it was worth getting more information. Continue reading

The Queen of Everything

My mother was at our house the other day playing with my son, who was squashing every imaginative contribution Grandma made to the story they were acting out with the Twins’ new Bubble Guppies playset (which–by the way–she had just brought over for their birthday).

Quite frankly, he was being kind of a punk.

Which resulted in the following interaction:

My Mom: Who made you the boss?

My Son: I’m not. I’m just acting like Mommy.

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My son may be bossy, but he knows where he stands.

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His observation is further evidenced by the following actual mug belonging to my wife:

Queen of Everything - Censored

I realize I have some readers who are afraid of the F-word (Hi Mom!), so I have gallantly protected them from this abomination. Those who know how to party and/or have parental permission can click the image for the raw, uncensored version.

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Important Household Tasks I Can Accomplish in the Middle of the Night While Holding a Newborn Who Will Not Go to Sleep and While Also Fully Supporting Said Newborn’s Head: A Non-Exhaustive List

1. Opening a Bottle of Beer

2. Pouring a Bottle of Beer into a Darth Vader Pint Glass in such a way as to Minimize Foam

3. Drinking a Beer out of a Darth Vader Pint Glass

4. Taking a Picture of a Beer in a Darth Vader Pint Glass

5. Compiling a Non-Exhaustive List

Beer and Binky

See?

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Additional Non-Exhaustive Lists exist.

Continue reading