Teenie Tiny Pseudonymous was born atop the Stratosphere, Las Vegas at 8:41 pm on Wednesday, December 17, 2014. She was delivered by an elite team of board certified Cirque du Soleil performers who–in collaboration with Mrs. Pseudonymous’s well-orchestrated pushing–perfectly timed the delivery with the opening Ringo Starr drum solo of The Beatles’ “LOVE” show. Then, just as Teenie’s head emerged from her mother’s hoo-hoo, an electromagnetic pulse was inexplicably unleashed, triggering all slot machines within a five-mile radius to display three consecutive bow-wearing stick figures and completely empty themselves of coins, much to the delight of cheap, low-stakes patrons (and to the disappointment of “the house,” who apparently does not always win after all). Via a system of pulleys and bicycles, the Soleil performers then counterbalanced the infant with an elephant, a grand piano, and a pint of Guinness, and after consulting Siri, declared the infant to weigh in at .0032885 metric tons (all, of course, to the tune of The Beatles’ “Carry That Weight”).
While the performance was closed to the public, John Pseudonymous, PhD (the family’s patriarch) is rumored to have delivered a rousing speech to close friends and family, during which he paraphrased “With a Little Help from My Friends” to thank them, posed a 17-point plan for education reform, improvised a sonnet for his better half regarding the merits of her uterus, and held his daughter for the first time to his onlookers’ enthusiastic delight. Dr. Pseudonymous was not available for comment, as he was called upon at the last minute to rectify an unfortunate, explosive excremental incident with his family’s latest addition. It was, however, reported that both mother and child are both happy and healthy.
Additional details will be reported as this story continues to develop.
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