Twinfamy

This is Part 2 of the greatest child-safety-lock-infused saga of our time, Adventures in Baby-Proofing. See how the quest for full storage compartment lockdown began here.

The baby-proofing latches we bought for the majority of our drawers and cabinets would not properly fit our TV stand drawers, so this week, my wife and I opted for an alternative, the Safety 1st Adjustable Multi-Purpose Strap.

Fantastic! We thought. It has “Safety 1st” IN ITS NAME! Surely this product would provide iron-clad protection for years to come.

As you can probably gather from the picture modeled by the lovely microwave (she’s single, fellas!), the device attaches to both the drawer/door and the base of the furniture via double-sided tape. This tape was already adhered to the product, and we were to simply peel off the paper covering the other sticky sides, press them to the necessary surfaces for five minutes or so, and rest easy knowing our katana blade drawer was safely locked away, out of twin-shot.

I followed the instructions carefully and correctly, letting the apparatus settle for an hour or so without any test-tugs, providing ample opportunity for the tape to chemically bond to the TV stand.

I couldn’t help but smile. The Great Baby-Proofing of 2011-2012 had finally come to an end!

Jericho’s wall came tumbling down as I unleashed the savage beasts from behind the baby gates. (Some years ago there was much societal speculation as to “Who Let the Dogs Out?” and I would like to finally announce that the question was actually prophesying this very moment.)

My daughter was first out of the gate and cruised right for the the TV stand, seeing new paraphernalia to investigate. I smirked. Sure, little girl. Try to get in. I triple-dog-dare you.

She grabbed for the left strap, and it came off. Like right off. As if not even attached in the first place. There wasn’t even a peeling sound.

The adhesive had clung tenaciously to the TV stand, but, interestingly, not to the strap itself.

Once the initial disappointed shock dissipated, I just busted up laughing at this remarkably terrible product and decided the (tw)incident would make a phenomenal whistle-blowing exposé for this fine publication, so I proceeded to photograph the aftermath of Hurricane Daughter. While I was doing that, she effortlessly removed the other strap.

This put our latest purchase at an unimpressive 0 for 2 in baby deterrence.

I will, however, credit whoever decided to include “Multi-Purpose” in the product title, because my daughter did find a purpose for them–teething.

Having sufficiently gotten her gnaw on, she vacated the premises and my son wandered over to inspect her handiwork.

Within seconds, he had the same idea as his sister.

The chewing lasted several minutes, until he found he could open the drawer.

. . .

So if you’re what you’re looking for in a child safety lock is the actual ability to lock out children, I’d advise against this one since my eleven-month-old daughter was able to dismantle two of them on her first try.

However, if you’re looking for an interestingly-shaped teething device to permanently tether to furniture, it may be just what you’re looking for.

Since I’m part of the former group, it seems The Great Baby-Proofing of 2011-2012 rages on.

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If not, I have a great child safety lock recommendation for you.