Tagged: Twinfographic

Vomiting Bug Writing Progress Chart

Veered Science

I make a concerted effort to deliver the finest of content to you, O Loyal Reader, at least once a week, as I know most (if not all) of you hang on my every word. If I say so myself, I’ve been fairly successful at writing regularly, even in the face of crippling adversity. I have slept on floors, chugged boiling-hot energy drinks, dodged spit bubbles and Diaper Bullets, narrowly escaped a suburban coyote attack, balanced my ridiculously ambitious schedule, and still have been able to chronicle my escapades on this fine publication.

Weird Science

No, I didn’t try to create the perfect woman. My wife already exists.

With that in mind, I’m delighted to share highly classified information with you about some shocking scientific research the U. S. Government has commissioned me to conduct. In the beginning, I was told “Mum” was the word (which was confusing, because I had previously been told that “Grease” is the word), but I fought hard for you all and got a Blanket Security Clearance.

I am in the process of writing up the findings for submission to whichever highly reputable academic journal wins the bidding war, but have summarized the data for you in the following chart:

.

Vomiting Bug Writing Progress Chart

Click above to enlarge. Huh-huh…enlarge…

Continue reading

Advertisements
Household Aqueous Parental Serving Size

Well, You Got Me There

Wife: I haven’t drank nearly enough water today.

Me: Yeah, actually, me neither.

Wife: But you’re not trying to feed two little people with your breasts.

Me: …that you know of…

.

Household Aqueous Parental Serving Size By Gender

.

You may also enjoy:

I Guess We're Done Then   Pun for the Whole Family
If not, maybe you just need to hydrate.

Twinfamy Pack Mule - Cropped

I Need Some Space (The Final Frontier) OR Twin Wars: Episode 1 – Taunt of the Tauntaun

Wife: We need a bigger diaper bag.

Me: Or possibly a pack mule.

Twinfamy Pack Mule - Cropped

Click the image above for a larger, more glorious version.

.

Rainy Day Activity!

What is this pack mule carrying? If you can name all of the products in a comment for this post, you will automatically be entered in a chance to win at life, compliments of Twinfamy.com!

.

Fine-Ass Print

Relax, O Loyal Animal Activist Reader–this is not an actual photograph. It was Photoshopped without Photoshop using Microsoft PowerPoint. Furthermore, neither I nor Twinfamy.com advocate the actual use of a pack mule for infant supply transport, primarily because parents already deal with their fair share of feces (sometimes even as an oblivious beautifying facial mask) and the addition of such an animal to one’s entourage would undoubtedly provide even more of an opportunity for sh!t to happen.

We also understand your particular offense to the placement of the Baby Bjorn on the fictional, hypothetical mule’s snout. However, it is not Twinfamy’s fault that the Baby Bjorn is coincidentally bridle-shaped and thus looks especially hilarious in this electronic, not-at-all-intended-for-real-life anatomical location.

The Royal We finally agree that despite the stereotypical “stubbornness” perpetuated by Fox News, the mule is a majestic creature who has just as much of a right to wear hemp and make others feel guilty for thinking steak is delicious as anyone. In fact, in the event that a mule actually is stubborn, it is probably for a viable reason, such as the lack of career options aside from doing oppressive humans’ heavy lifting, or the simple fact that their boys cannot swim due to the chromosonal ramifications of having horse fathers and donkey mothers, not to mention the pressures of having multiracial parents in general.

If you’re still upset, fear not.  I have prepared an alternate version.  Please forget the above ever happened, and see below.

.

Alternate Ending

A 500-Disc DVD Special Edition Bonus Feature

Ready? Here we go! Making the jump to LIGHT SPEED…

.

Twin Wars: Episode 1 – The Taunt of the Tauntaun

Twin Wars - A Long Time Ago in a Twinfamy far, far away...

Twin Wars - Title

Twin Wars - Episode 1 - Taunt of the Tauntaun

Wife: We need a bigger diaper bag.

Me: Or possibly a pack tauntaun.

Twin Wars - Pack Tauntaun

Still plenty of room for power converters, and also a great heat source if you're stranded in a blizzard on Hoth.

.

Jedi Training Exercise

What is this pack tauntaun carrying? If you can name all of the products in a comment for this post, you will automatically be entered in a chance to win one Jedi training lesson with Yoda, the Jedi Master himself, compliments of Twinfamy.com! Offer does not include travel, and is only valid if you can locate Master Yoda on Dagobah yourself.

.

You may also like:

Let's Get Sh!tfaced   Big Mother Is Watching Icon   The Dad Abides

If not, please don’t turn to the Dark Side.  Balance has finally been brought to The Force, and you’d just selfishly ruin it for everyone.