I make a concerted effort to deliver the finest of content to you, O Loyal Reader, at least once a week, as I know most (if not all) of you hang on my every word. If I say so myself, I’ve been fairly successful at writing regularly, even in the face of crippling adversity. I have slept on floors, chugged boiling-hot energy drinks, dodged spit bubbles and Diaper Bullets, narrowly escaped a suburban coyote attack, balanced my ridiculously ambitious schedule, and still have been able to chronicle my escapades on this fine publication.
With that in mind, I’m delighted to share highly classified information with you about some shocking scientific research the U. S. Government has commissioned me to conduct. In the beginning, I was told “Mum” was the word (which was confusing, because I had previously been told that “Grease” is the word), but I fought hard for you all and got a Blanket Security Clearance.
I am in the process of writing up the findings for submission to whichever highly reputable academic journal wins the bidding war, but have summarized the data for you in the following chart:
Well, You Got Me There
I Need Some Space (The Final Frontier) OR Twin Wars: Episode 1 – Taunt of the Tauntaun
Wife: We need a bigger diaper bag.
Me: Or possibly a pack mule.
Rainy Day Activity!
What is this pack mule carrying? If you can name all of the products in a comment for this post, you will automatically be entered in a chance to win at life, compliments of Twinfamy.com!
Relax, O Loyal Animal Activist Reader–this is not an actual photograph. It was Photoshopped without Photoshop using Microsoft PowerPoint. Furthermore, neither I nor Twinfamy.com advocate the actual use of a pack mule for infant supply transport, primarily because parents already deal with their fair share of feces (sometimes even as an oblivious beautifying facial mask) and the addition of such an animal to one’s entourage would undoubtedly provide even more of an opportunity for sh!t to happen.
We also understand your particular offense to the placement of the Baby Bjorn on the fictional, hypothetical mule’s snout. However, it is not Twinfamy’s fault that the Baby Bjorn is coincidentally bridle-shaped and thus looks especially hilarious in this electronic, not-at-all-intended-for-real-life anatomical location.
The Royal We finally agree that despite the stereotypical “stubbornness” perpetuated by Fox News, the mule is a majestic creature who has just as much of a right to wear hemp and make others feel guilty for thinking steak is delicious as anyone. In fact, in the event that a mule actually is stubborn, it is probably for a viable reason, such as the lack of career options aside from doing oppressive humans’ heavy lifting, or the simple fact that their boys cannot swim due to the chromosonal ramifications of having horse fathers and donkey mothers, not to mention the pressures of having multiracial parents in general.
If you’re still upset, fear not. I have prepared an alternate version. Please forget the above ever happened, and see below.
A 500-Disc DVD Special Edition Bonus Feature
Ready? Here we go! Making the jump to LIGHT SPEED…
Twin Wars: Episode 1 – The Taunt of the Tauntaun
Wife: We need a bigger diaper bag.
Me: Or possibly a pack tauntaun.
Jedi Training Exercise
What is this pack tauntaun carrying? If you can name all of the products in a comment for this post, you will automatically be entered in a chance to win one Jedi training lesson with Yoda, the Jedi Master himself, compliments of Twinfamy.com! Offer does not include travel, and is only valid if you can locate Master Yoda on Dagobah yourself.
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If not, please don’t turn to the Dark Side. Balance has finally been brought to The Force, and you’d just selfishly ruin it for everyone.