Veered Science

I make a concerted effort to deliver the finest of content to you, O Loyal Reader, at least once a week, as I know most (if not all) of you hang on my every word. If I say so myself, I’ve been fairly successful at writing regularly, even in the face of crippling adversity. I have slept on floors, chugged boiling-hot energy drinks, dodged spit bubbles and Diaper Bullets, narrowly escaped a suburban coyote attack, balanced my ridiculously ambitious schedule, and still have been able to chronicle my escapades on this fine publication.

Weird Science

No, I didn’t try to create the perfect woman. My wife already exists.

With that in mind, I’m delighted to share highly classified information with you about some shocking scientific research the U. S. Government has commissioned me to conduct. In the beginning, I was told “Mum” was the word (which was confusing, because I had previously been told that “Grease” is the word), but I fought hard for you all and got a Blanket Security Clearance.

I am in the process of writing up the findings for submission to whichever highly reputable academic journal wins the bidding war, but have summarized the data for you in the following chart:

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Vomiting Bug Writing Progress Chart

Click above to enlarge. Huh-huh…enlarge…

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DISCUSSION

It may be argued that writing time could have possibly been shimmied in at 2:30 in the morning by one-handedly pecking away on a cell phone in the dark while the Test Subject rocked/begged his son to sleep. However, the Test Subject found himself attempting to apply concepts he is learning in his statistics class to his son-soothing procedure, including finding the mean and standard deviation of his son’s crying intervals until noticing something in the closet that looked remarkably like a hungry stealth zombie waiting for the two of them to fall asleep–Oh, wait, no, that’s my son’s shirt–and thus rendered himself incapable of coherent thought.

. . .

In light of these groundbreaking findings and the ever-increasing health of the children in question, I will strive to prevent such an occurrence from ever happening again.

Until it does.

In which case, this study may be revisited to compile additional findings.

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You may also enjoy:

An Open Letter to Elmo   The Top Six Reasons This is a List   Satisfaction (or Lack Thereof)

If not, I’d like to invite you to participate in an exciting new study exploring the lack of phenomenal taste among blog readers.

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9 comments

  1. Sarah Richardson

    I am sorry…but I must say ‘I told you so’. The whole sleeping through the night thing is not a constant, like say 10 or 100. It is the variable like x or fml…

    hope your variable gets solved soon and returns your life to a constant state of sleep and happiness.

    Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      I don’t remember ever claiming my kids would always sleep through the night. When they were (from about 4 to 9 1/2 months) I was thrilled because I’d heard from other parents that they did not have such luck and I probably bragged a little about it just because it was so frickin’ awesome, but I knew it wasn’t always going to be that way. It was amazing while it lasted and I’m looking forward to getting back there someday.

      In the meantime, my more immediate concern is the closet zombie.

      Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      Wrong. Sleep is AWESOME. I’ll admit I need less sleep than most people to function and have often claimed sleep is overrated myself, but when you hit your fourth night in a row of only four hours of sleep (acquired in 20 minute stints throughout the night) and you recognize you are only a short-fused shadow of your actual self, you learn to appreciate how vital a good, quality recharge is.

      Like

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