I make a concerted effort to deliver the finest of content to you, O Loyal Reader, at least once a week, as I know most (if not all) of you hang on my every word. If I say so myself, I’ve been fairly successful at writing regularly, even in the face of crippling adversity. I have slept on floors, chugged boiling-hot energy drinks, dodged spit bubbles and Diaper Bullets, narrowly escaped a suburban coyote attack, balanced my ridiculously ambitious schedule, and still have been able to chronicle my escapades on this fine publication.
With that in mind, I’m delighted to share highly classified information with you about some shocking scientific research the U. S. Government has commissioned me to conduct. In the beginning, I was told “Mum” was the word (which was confusing, because I had previously been told that “Grease” is the word), but I fought hard for you all and got a Blanket Security Clearance.
I am in the process of writing up the findings for submission to whichever highly reputable academic journal wins the bidding war, but have summarized the data for you in the following chart:
It may be argued that writing time could have possibly been shimmied in at 2:30 in the morning by one-handedly pecking away on a cell phone in the dark while the Test Subject rocked/begged his son to sleep. However, the Test Subject found himself attempting to apply concepts he is learning in his statistics class to his son-soothing procedure, including finding the mean and standard deviation of his son’s crying intervals until noticing something in the closet that looked remarkably like a hungry stealth zombie waiting for the two of them to fall asleep–Oh, wait, no, that’s my son’s shirt–and thus rendered himself incapable of coherent thought.
. . .
In light of these groundbreaking findings and the ever-increasing health of the children in question, I will strive to prevent such an occurrence from ever happening again.
Until it does.
In which case, this study may be revisited to compile additional findings.
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If not, I’d like to invite you to participate in an exciting new study exploring the lack of phenomenal taste among blog readers.