Unanswered Questions from Children’s Songs: A Non-Exhaustive List

1. No, seriously, Brother John–are you sleeping or not? Because if you’re not, I’m calling 911.

2. Is anything going to be done about the strange banjo player in the kitchen with Dinah, or are we all just okay with this?

3. I still have so many questions about your ear elasticity–did you say that do hang low? And if so, do they wobble to and fro? And finally, if you don’t mind me asking, are you able to tie them in knots and/or bows?

4. Is there a maximum per customer on this Hot-Cross-Buns-for-a-penny promotion? Because if not, I’ll take a baker’s dozen.

5. Can you tell me how to actually get to Sesame Street?

Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

Is that even a real sign?

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I’m quite certain I missed some, O Loyal Reader, as these select few have consumed my consciousness and often keep me up at night. If you can think of any others, please add them in the comments section. Yes, that’s right, take my hand. Together, we shall blow these unsolved mysteries wide open!

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You may also enjoy:

Reasons Pocahontas Needs to Stop Judging Me   An Open Letter to Elmo   Things I Would Not Do for a Klondike Bar

If not, tell me again about those ears of yours.

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55 comments

  1. EduDad

    I’m happy you know your ABCs but I’ve been singing this song with you for 3 years now so I won’t be singing it again with you.

    Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      I don’t know him per se, but I’ve heard he lives on Drury Lane. I know that doesn’t help much. There’s actually a lot of people milling around there lately trying to catch a glimpse of him, so rumor has it he travels in disguise now to avoid the paparazzi.

      Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      Well if you’re interested in The Wheels on the Bus, I’ve done extensive research on the topic, demonstrating significant implications about whatever sustainability is all through the town: https://twinfamy.com/2012/02/29/sustainability-all-through-the-town/

      My best guess for E-I-E-I-O is “even if everyone is opposed,” as in “Old MacDonald had a farm, even if everyone is opposed,” with the intent of sticking it to all of the people who doubted him, who said he’d never have a host of animals renowned for their bleats and barks. Well, he sure showed them. Now they all sing the song to their children daily with secret despair in their hearts. Haters gonna hate.

      Liked by 1 person

    • John Pseudonymous

      I dunno, but I’m hoping she knows him. It’s likely a friendly visit as a banjo is involved (banjos are rarely an indication of foul play due to their jubilant timbre). However, it would be nice to know. I know I’d feel a little better about the whole situation.

      Like

  2. Apryle

    I’m kind of curious about Jack and Jill personally. Aren’t wells down hill? Won’t they need more than just a pail?

    Like

  3. EduDad

    No, I’ve never seen a whale with a polka-dot tail and I think you’re mother may be suffering from dimentia or wild mushrooms.

    Like

  4. A Man Called Dad

    To my daughter: If some old man ever does knick-knack on your knee, you tell daddy right away. Promise?

    And if the farmer takes and wife and the dog takes the cat. Was somebody murdered?

    Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      No kidding. If that creep touches her thumb, shoe, spine, etc., there’ll be hell to pay.

      As for the second one, we may have a bloodbath in the dell. I think the cheese did it, as it’s standing alone, all suspicious-like.

      Like

  5. Joanna

    If everything that I buy for you keeps crapping-out, like the mocking bird, diamond ring (why are we buying babies diamond rings?), looking glass, billy goat, etc., then why do I keep buying you things? Maybe I should stop buying from the same merchant. And why would I think that a horse and cart could replace a cart and bull? Aren’t they pretty much the same thing? And again, why does a baby want/need these things?!

    Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      Good call. I never got that song, particularly starting with buying a baby a mockingbird and then going right to the diamond ring.

      I can’t even afford a diamond, but if I could, I’d give it to my wife, who wouldn’t try to freaking eat it.

      Like

  6. Joanna

    And if an old man bumped his head on the way to bed and couldn’t get up in the morning, we need to stop singing cheerful songs about it and call 9-1-1!

    Like

  7. Joanna

    I don’t know where your little dog has gone, but I’m pretty sure you’ll need a more detailed description than “With his ears so short and his tail so long,” as this describes almost every dog out there.
    (Sorry, I’m having too much fun with this thread!)

    Like

  8. Julie Prosper

    How many times will The Itsy-bitsy Spider climb up the spout before he tires of being repeatedly washed out?
    And for goodness’ sake, what kind of person puts a baby in a treetop? Sure, harnessing wind energy to rock the cradle is a creative way to induce sleep without tiring one’s arms, but had this method been properly tested first with a doll or stuffed animal, its infeasibility would have been proven without all of the drama.

    Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      That is one determined spider. Perhaps we can all learn a lesson from this tenacious arachnid.

      I gotta admit, the “Rock-a-Bye Baby” is one that really unsettles me, too. When we first had the Twins and we were trying to rock/beg them to sleep, we’d sing to them. And so, as a new dad, of course I had a very small repertoire, so I went with the old classic. However, about halfway through the first singing of the song, it occurred to me how disturbing it was. Who the hell wrote this song, thinking it was a nice, relaxing thought to put in kids’ heads while they try to fall asleep?

      Like

  9. lovethebadguy

    Why would one call the king’s horses and king’s men to assist Humpty Dumpty? Should not such people have more important things to do?

    And more importantly, are the royal guards and horses even adept at repairing broken beings who clumsily fall off walls? Perhaps a doctor would have been a wiser choice.

    Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      Exactly. Or perhaps someone skilled in assembling intricate models with glue.

      What good is a horse in this situation unless it can throw out witty quips like Mister Ed for comic relief?

      Like

  10. superheroladybug

    Why does the monkey chase the weasel for fun when the weasel is obviously very upset? A bit of bullying going on?

    Like

  11. superheroladybug

    Why does the Mama Duck lose a duck every day but still lets them go over the hills and far away anyways? And when they do come back afterawhile, does she punish them or does this cycle continue? Has anyone notified CPS about this? This is one negligent duck mama!

    Like

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