Sustainability All Through The Town

In addition to classes, a significant portion of my work as a student involves conducting research, and I’m thrilled to report that I recently learned two academic papers I co-authored and submitted to highly-regarded conferences were both accepted and will thus be published. Having never submitted to anything of this caliber, I’m floored to be batting 1.000, and as hard as I work to keep my world spinning, it’s a nice little payoff. I’m convinced the scales were tipped in my favor due to my inclusion of the very same bow-wearing stick figures, pop culture references, and fecal humor you’ve come to expect from this fine publication.

Sustainability Venn Diagram

Based on this diagram, sustainability clearly involves green-colored synergy.

While I have been explicitly forbidden by a gaggle of ninjas to disclose the details of these two strokes of genius before they are published, I will share a new research effort I’ve spearheaded, which involves public transportation. You see, one of the hippest new buzz words in the academic community is “sustainability”–a term I’m convinced some prolific professor coined while drunkenly slurring his words together at a snooty dinner party and that now everyone pretends to know the meaning of. Anyway, I figure if I put “sustainability” in the title, NPR listeners will flock to it like birds who flock to things that birds like, so it’s probably a good career move.

With that in mind, I decided to investigate whatever sustainability is in public transportation, dutifully sitting on countless local buses for hours at a time, trying to top my Angry Birds high score. However, between demolishing those menacing green pig heads with no bodies, I actually came up with some pretty fascinating findings, which I will now share with you all.

The following phenomena were observed on every single bus I rode, occurring constantly, all through the town in which I was travelling:

  • Wheels on the buses going round and round;
  • Windshield wipers going “swish, swish, swish”;
  • Bus drivers alerting passengers to “Move on back”;
  • People going up and down (assumedly from potholes and street hippos);
  • Bus horns going “beep, beep, beep”;
  • Babies crying, inflected in a pattern that sounded like a sort of “Wah, wah, wah”; and
  • In response, parents requesting the aforementioned babies to “Shh, shh, shh!”

Again, it is important to note that all of the above happened all through the town.

These groundbreaking findings provide irrefutable evidence of something about whatever sustainability is, and should not be taken lightly.

You’re welcome, Science.

I’ll try to act surprised by a Nobel Prize nomination.

The Sustainable Twinfamy

Twinfamy is made from sustainable resources. Probably. Maybe not. I don't know.

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You may also enjoy:

Veered Science   Poop on the Wall   The Zen of Being Annoyed

If not, perhaps you’ll find some of my other posts more sustainable.

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16 comments

  1. Chunky Mama

    But, did the doors open and shut? Did the coins go cling, cling, cling? Did the people say “Let me off!?” Did the Mommy say “I love you?”
    These are all terribly important questions that must be investigated further.

    Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      See, one of the most important implications of research is that it always merits further research. These burning questions you raise will actually be addressed in Phase Two of this study, which will also be conducted all through the town.

      Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      Wow, investigativeness–now that’s a sustainable word. Perhaps it was so sustainable that the synergy it exhibited in the breakout session vis-a-vis something something is the reason it got through spell check.

      Thanks so much, John. I’m glad this study could sustain such a wide range of emotions and thoughts. Maybe I need another Venn Diagram.

      Like

  2. EduDad

    This reminds me of an assignment I handed in 3 days after it was due where I had no real idea of what I was talking about but wrote profusely in order to try and convince the professor who no doubt know I was full of shit that I at least had some inkling of understanding.

    I do believe your title will bring a lot of traffic. ;)

    Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      Hey, are you implying that I don’t know what I’m talking about? I’m an expert on whatever sustainability is. I have a new Angry Birds high score to prove it.

      Yeah, I’m hoping the title will sustainably pique people’s interest and create a deeper impact in the infrastructure of viable resources and crap.

      Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      Ah, yes. Academics have tirelessly investigated this phenomenon for years, and still are divided as to whether or not the act is “what it’s all about.” I hope someday to finally bring an end to this argument.

      Like

  3. Chris

    I love the Venn diagram family! Thanks for your astute research in sustainability. What measurement method(s) did you use in your observations?

    Like

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