Sustainability All Through The Town
In addition to classes, a significant portion of my work as a student involves conducting research, and I’m thrilled to report that I recently learned two academic papers I co-authored and submitted to highly-regarded conferences were both accepted and will thus be published. Having never submitted to anything of this caliber, I’m floored to be batting 1.000, and as hard as I work to keep my world spinning, it’s a nice little payoff. I’m convinced the scales were tipped in my favor due to my inclusion of the very same bow-wearing stick figures, pop culture references, and fecal humor you’ve come to expect from this fine publication.
While I have been explicitly forbidden by a gaggle of ninjas to disclose the details of these two strokes of genius before they are published, I will share a new research effort I’ve spearheaded, which involves public transportation. You see, one of the hippest new buzz words in the academic community is “sustainability”–a term I’m convinced some prolific professor coined while drunkenly slurring his words together at a snooty dinner party and that now everyone pretends to know the meaning of. Anyway, I figure if I put “sustainability” in the title, NPR listeners will flock to it like birds who flock to things that birds like, so it’s probably a good career move.
With that in mind, I decided to investigate whatever sustainability is in public transportation, dutifully sitting on countless local buses for hours at a time, trying to top my Angry Birds high score. However, between demolishing those menacing green pig heads with no bodies, I actually came up with some pretty fascinating findings, which I will now share with you all.
The following phenomena were observed on every single bus I rode, occurring constantly, all through the town in which I was travelling:
- Wheels on the buses going round and round;
- Windshield wipers going “swish, swish, swish”;
- Bus drivers alerting passengers to “Move on back”;
- People going up and down (assumedly from potholes and street hippos);
- Bus horns going “beep, beep, beep”;
- Babies crying, inflected in a pattern that sounded like a sort of “Wah, wah, wah”; and
- In response, parents requesting the aforementioned babies to “Shh, shh, shh!”
Again, it is important to note that all of the above happened all through the town.
These groundbreaking findings provide irrefutable evidence of something about whatever sustainability is, and should not be taken lightly.
You’re welcome, Science.
I’ll try to act surprised by a Nobel Prize nomination.
You may also enjoy:
If not, perhaps you’ll find some of my other posts more sustainable.
But, did the doors open and shut? Did the coins go cling, cling, cling? Did the people say “Let me off!?” Did the Mommy say “I love you?”
These are all terribly important questions that must be investigated further.
See, one of the most important implications of research is that it always merits further research. These burning questions you raise will actually be addressed in Phase Two of this study, which will also be conducted all through the town.
That is some serious investigativeness (how did that word clear the spell checker?) you’ve made me laugh, cry, and think. THAT is sustainability.
Wow, investigativeness–now that’s a sustainable word. Perhaps it was so sustainable that the synergy it exhibited in the breakout session vis-a-vis something something is the reason it got through spell check.
Thanks so much, John. I’m glad this study could sustain such a wide range of emotions and thoughts. Maybe I need another Venn Diagram.
This reminds me of an assignment I handed in 3 days after it was due where I had no real idea of what I was talking about but wrote profusely in order to try and convince the professor who no doubt know I was full of shit that I at least had some inkling of understanding.
I do believe your title will bring a lot of traffic. ;)
Hey, are you implying that I don’t know what I’m talking about? I’m an expert on whatever sustainability is. I have a new Angry Birds high score to prove it.
Yeah, I’m hoping the title will sustainably pique people’s interest and create a deeper impact in the infrastructure of viable resources and crap.
Brilliant. I have nothing else to say about this except that next time I hope you cover the sustainability of putting your whole body in and putting your whole body out.
Because, you know…
Ah, yes. Academics have tirelessly investigated this phenomenon for years, and still are divided as to whether or not the act is “what it’s all about.” I hope someday to finally bring an end to this argument.
Wow. Just wow. After this groundbreaking study, I will now vow to call you “doctor” when you get your Ph.D. Will you be able to prescribe me meds?
I knew I’d eventually get you on board. I’ll tell you what–if they accept a prescription I write, you probably could have written one for yourself with the same result.
I love the Venn diagram family! Thanks for your astute research in sustainability. What measurement method(s) did you use in your observations?
My primary methodologies were speculation, guesswork, and data-fudging. While actually observing on-site, I adopted the “participant-daydreamer” role all through the town.
Ha! “… all through the town.”
Love the post, but I do NOT thank you for putting that darn song in my head!
What is it about kids’ songs that are so freaking catchy that they’ll stay in your head for days?
With that in mind, if I have to suffer, I’m bringing my Loyal Readers with me.
That pretty much sums up all of the Rewards for Loyalty I’ve gotten through the years.