No More Lies
I’ll admit it. I’ve been holding out on you, O Loyal Reader.
I’ve strived to keep it a secret for as long as I’ve been writing this fine publication, but I can no longer do so because the cat has clawed its way out of the bag.
My true identity has been discovered and reported on a highly reputable media outlet, and I feel it’s necessary for me to just come clean before the rumor mill spins out of control, granting itself flight like an impossibly heavy helicopter.
You see, I’m not just John Pseudonymous, mild-mannered stay-at-home father, Ph. D. student, and inspiration to kajillions.
I’m also a superhero.
I go by the superhero handle Elasto-Dad. You probably haven’t heard of my exploits as I’ve attempted to keep a low profile, privately using my powers for good in my own home, particularly in twin-wrangling scenarios.
However, just a few days ago, a team of paparazzi somehow tracked me down and snapped voyeuristic photos through the windows of my house. I was able to destroy all of these photos before any were leaked because, as you know, I am a ninja, and therefore my keen reflexes alerted me in time to ambush them and beat them with their own footwear.
Little did I know that one of these photographers was none other than Scott Schrier, creator of DadsWhoChangeDiapers.com, a site dedicated to locating every diaper-changing station in mens’ rooms across the country so that dads know where to go when sh!t goes down. Scotty is also an excellent writer and artist, and if you haven’t read his Diaper Dad Blog, you should. He is both hilarious and heartfelt–two elements I attempt to incorporate into this fine publication myself–and is a blast to converse with on the Twitter (@DiaperDads).
Now, as I mentioned before, I was able to destroy all photographs, but Scotty has a phenomenal memory and was thus able to create a drawing of yours truly in full Elasto-Dad force.
As it turns out, Scotty has been spying on several of his friends who were also until-recently closet superheroes because guess what? He’s a superhero, too! In fact, he is planning to assemble a crime-fighting team that would make the Justice League hide out in the Fortress of Solitude indefinitely. You can read all about us in Scott’s shocking superhero exposé here:
You Have Super Powers? SO DO I!!!
Although I originally was hoping to keep this a secret, it feels so good to get it out in the open, and especially to know that I’m not alone.
If you would like to contract Elasto-Dad for either a crime-fighting job or public appearance/autographing meet-and-greet, please don’t hesitate to contact me.
We’re a single-income household, and we could really use the money.
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If not, keep in mind that you’re upsetting a superhero. Unwise.
It was for your own good. The stress involved with so many secrets will eat you alive eventually. Just trying to help you out. Also, Sears called. They want you to do a signing in the appliance section. Apparently, they ordered too much dryer hose and need someone model it.
Just remember the rest of us when you make it big.
I appreciate it, man. The Sears gig might be a stretch. Elasto-Dad has finals this week, so I’m pretty busy. I’m usually able to bounce back fairly well, though, so once my schedule is a little more flexible I think I can squeeze it in.