Reasons Pocahontas Needs to Stop Judging Me: A Non-Exhaustive List

Disney's Pocahontas

Don’t give me that look.

1. Okay, no, I’ve never heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon, but it’s not my fault that the wolves in my vicinity are typically happy and well-adjusted.

2. Sure, I’ve never asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned, but I don’t really see the point in that, as I don’t speak Bobcantonese and feel I’d just create an awkward situation for said bobcat, thus ruining the very smile about which I am inquiring.

3. No, I can’t sing with all the voices of the mountains, but come on, it’s not for lack of trying. Singing with Everest’s is my Everest.

4. While I can’t paint with all the colors of the wind, I can Photoshop with them, which is a way more marketable skill nowadays. Can you do that? No, you can’t, Pocahontas.

.

You may also enjoy these other posts just around the riverbend:

Things I Would Not Do for a Klondike Bar   An Open Letter to Elmo   You Make Road Rage So Much Fun

If not, let’s hear YOU sing with all the voices of the mountains.

Yeah, not as easy as it looks, is it?

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19 comments

  1. Diaper Dads

    Last time I tried to talk to a bobcat all it was interested in was trying to tear my face of in little strips. Pretty sure I don’t want to know why it’s grinning.

    Like

  2. lovethebadguy

    This was brilliant! I also loved the faded “You may also enjoy” text, which I almost forgot to read.

    So you certainly showed her! Silly spiritually-aware woman, wither her depressed wolves and singing mountains…

    Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      Thanks! I wonder sometimes if anyone’s even paying attention to the faded gray text at the bottom. Sometimes I think it’s just for me. Which is okay, because it entertains me quite a bit.

      But yes, I’m hoping now she’ll think twice before throwing her judgy judgment looks at me while I’m just trying to enjoy an animated film with my children.

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    • John Pseudonymous

      An excellent point. Let’s see her do all that stuff with the weight of responsibility on her shoulders–throw in a few kids, a day job, some bills, and way too many DVR-ed tv shows to keep up with. She has no idea what we go through just to have enough energy to sing with one voice of the mountains by the end of the day, after walking barefoot in the snow uphill to wireless Internet connections.

      Like

  3. nerdpapa

    i believe all these accusatory statements originally stem from the low self esteem she reveals in the first line of the song. “you think i’m an ignorant savage”, someone needs to reach out to that girl.

    Like

  4. Barmy Rootstock

    Comparing your two pictures, her cheekbones kick ass over your featureless round head, too. And to Disney’s credit, for once a character’s breasts are within the range of actual human dimensions. Yours?

    But to your credit, you’ve had to watch Pocahontas way more than any human should have to and survived to blog about it. So really, she’s in no place to judge.

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    • John Pseudonymous

      Oh, I won’t deny she’s got me beat in the attractiveness department. In fact, it conveniently gives her just one more reason to look down on me.

      I will admit I haven’t seen the entire movie many times, but the song is on a Disney Sing-Along Songs DVD the Twins particularly enjoy, so I’ve done my time in that respect.

      Like

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