I’ve Become Enlightened

On the verge of our second family vacation since Twinification, a significant discussion point in the Pseudonymous Household as of late has been the Twins’ maiden airplane voyage. How will we keep them occupied/quiet/sedated? What do we do if all six hours of the flight are fortified with stereophonic banshee shrieks and full-body flails? And most importantly, is there an alcohol consumption limit for passengers–and if so, how can we beat the system?


Having scoured these Internet waters for answers, I made a startling realization–the answer was right there under my invisible stick-figured nose all along, in the form of my esteemed colleague Barmy Rootstock, self-insisted parenting guru and author of one of my very favorite blogs, the hilarious I’ve Become My Parents.

You see, in addition to graciously helping his son become just like him, Mr. Rootstock shares this benevolence with his readers by answering one of their kajillions of burning questions every week in his WTF Wednesday advice column. I knew it was a longshot sending him a query so close to our vacation, but Lady Luck–or possibly Lady WTF–has smiled upon me, and Barmy has deemed my request worthy, providing oodles and additional bonus oodles of advice for me and any other first-time parent fliers in his latest installment. This life-saving opus can be memorized here:

How to travel with toddlers and have fewer people hate you.

Thanks to Mr. Rootstock, I can now board the plane knowing I’m prepared for anything, and it also goes to show that duct tape truly can fix anything.

Problem solved indeed.


You can read about the Twins’ ACTUAL first flight here.


You may also enjoy:

No More Lies   Twinfamy: The Movie...Starring Lego Chuck Norris   The Butthead Butterfly Effect

If not, perhaps you ought to seek professional help from Barmy.


    • John Pseudonymous

      You mean to tell me I’ve been pursuing this damned Ph. D. this whole time and I already HAVE a doctorate grandbloggered in? Why don’t people tell me these things?

      It’s like, if the ruby slippers can send me home, tell me upfront, you smug, bubble-riding priss.


  1. Chunky Mama

    Good luck, Dude! When my oldest was 15 mos, we took him on a 5 hr flight. One toddler. Two adults. Pure Hell. And? He wasn’t even crying!

    Again, I say, GOOD LUCK you brave, brave man.


    • John Pseudonymous

      Wow, that really boosts my confidence. Thanks so much.

      At least lie to me a little bit. I find the anticipation is usually way worse than the actual endeavor. If I can be blissfully ignorant and only have to think about a sh!tstorm for the hours it’s actually happening, I think I’d prefer that.


    • John Pseudonymous

      Um, what? I have no idea what you’re talking about. Did someone search that and land on your blog from mine or something.

      I’m lost.

      Come find me.

      Count to 20 first, though. I have a great spot picked out, but I need a ladder and some grappling hooks.


      • fadderly

        Lol! Nonono. Nothing that nefarious. It’s from that show nip/tuck. To get her kid to sleep, one character dipped a binky in benedryl. She called it a binkytini. :)


      • John Pseudonymous

        Oh, okay. That makes way more sense. I never got into that show–not because I disliked it, just never sat down and watched it. Have heard great things, though. A gag like that makes it more enticing, though.

        My kids have actually been done with pacifiers since they were about five months old, when my daughter discovered her thumb did the same thing and my son decided to try to shove the whole thing down his throat. I’ve heard a lot of suggestions regarding Benadryl. Not sure how I feel about “drugging” them, but then again I am sure how I feel about in-flight tantrums. We’ll see.


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  3. Andi-Roo (@theworld4realz)

    Can’t wait to hear your review in the aftermath of this looming crisis. Looking forward to it! Good luck & safe travels (… & I bet it goes just fine… you seem like a good-natured fella, & your kids will surely pick up your “chill” vibes & make the trip easy.)


    • John Pseudonymous

      Haha, thanks. You, my friend, are in luck! Just a few days ago I wrote the very review of which you speak. You can enjoy it in all its glory here: . I can’t say I stayed “chill” the entire time, but every little thing wound up being all right.


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