Tagged: urination

Toilet Question

What Exactly Do You Mean By That?

Wife: Okay, I’m going to work! Have fun today. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!
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Me: So I can’t pee standing up?

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Toilet Question

Well, I thought it was a valid question.

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Michael Keaton as Mr. Mom

Don’t Call Me Mr. Mom

Someone Who Shall Remain Nameless: So are you still being Mr. Mom?

Me: You know, the term “Dad” works just fine.

Michael Keaton as Mr. Mom

I feel you, 1980s Michael Keaton.

Sure, I could have just let it go. I could have replied, “Yes, I am still being Mr. Mom.” thus avoiding the awkward pause that ensued. Don’t take it personally, I used to tell myself. It’s just a (tired, lame, unfunny) joke. But this terminology is pinned on me often and I have recently decided I am done with just letting it go.

It’s not that I feel emasculated wrangling the Twins all week. I challenge any “man’s man” who thinks stay-at-home parenting is for sissies to actually try it for one day. (In fact, I imagine it could make for a thoroughly entertaining reality show, with each episode culminating in a grown man sobbing.) It’s definitely not easy, but at the same time it’s also the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. Many fathers would jump at the opportunity to spend as much time with their children as I do, especially at this age. I blinked when they were eight months old and was suddenly thrown into a DeLorean which promptly accelerated to 88 miles per hour, traversing space and time to today, as I open my eyes and find them eleven months old. Until I can get the Flux Capacitor to flux again, I make an effort each day to take it all in (and document it in HD) because I know how fleeting babyhood is.

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Pink Sock Monkey

Sock Monkey Face-Five

“Mama. Mama. Mamamamama,” my wife enunciated steadily, in stark contrast to the hyperactive limb-chase she was currently undertaking–attempting to get my son’s frantic arms and legs into his pajamas.

“Thhhhhhhhhh,” he replied, creating a froth of his patented saliva bubbles.

“I think he almost got it that time,” I snarked from the rocking chair, with my daughter riding lap jockey.

Ever since my son said “Dada” for the first time (possibly because of my Chuck Norris t-shirt), my wife has been working on “Mama” with both kids, with little apparent success.

His and Hers Rubber DuckiesBathtime had gone swimmingly and we were now preparing the Twins for bed. Typically, we each bathe and dress one kid, alternating them every other bath. That way, we both have equal opportunities at the completely polar-opposite bathing experiences my son and daughter have to offer. In order to better illustrate the differences, I will analogize with everyday beverages you can find around the house.

Washing our daughter is a fairly low-energy endeavor–she’s content to sit and simply enjoy the aquatic epidermal sensation. If my daughter’s bathtime were a libation, it would be a glass of fine wine–one drank at the end of a long day and savored slowly because it was so freaking expensive.

On the other hand, my son is more of a Red Bull tallboy. Put this strapping young lad in the tub and brace yourself (and him) for Olympic-sized splashes, incessant scuba diving attempts, and the golden eruption of Old Faithful. We’ve found that one hand on him at all times is the best practice, as well as mentally preparing oneself for an action sequence that would overwhelm even Michael Bay before plunging into Splash Mountain.

Splash Mountain - You May Get WetMy wife had braved the one-boy-monsoon on this particular night, while I had handled my daughter, who, now that she was in her pajamas and NOT yet drinking The Bottle That Always Comes After Pajamas, was getting antsy.

“It’s not quite time yet, Baby Girl,” I cooed. “Hey, I have an idea. Let’s look at these animals.”

Sitting her down in the rocking chair and kneeling in front of her, I surveyed the stuffed animals congregating on the floor next to me and selected her jumbo pink Sock Monkey, which is about twice her size. She cocked an eyebrow and wrinkled her forehead, unsure about all this whole not-drinking-a-bottle business.

I nudged Pink Sock Monkey’s head in perfect cadence as I spoke in what I imagine a Pink Sock Monkey’s voice would sound like–just a few notches below falsetto.

Pink Sock Monkey

Hi there little girl! I’m Pink Sock Monkey! I sure am hungry–do you happen to have any Pink Sock Bananas?

Get your mind out of the gutter, O Loyal Reader.

In one motion, my daughter spun away from the monkey, looked right at me, and held my gaze while batting the peripheral pink primate out of view, as if to say, “Why are you bullsh!tting me, Dad?”

I heard my wife cracking up behind me. “Smart little girl.”

Letting my ill-conceived ventriloquist dummy fall back into the pile, I chuckled and picked her up. “I guess nothing gets by you, huh?”

It was then that she swung her arm and delivered a tiny face-five to my nose.

My wife stifled a laugh.

“Thhhhhhhhhh,” bubbled my son, sporting a squinty grin.

“Babababababa,” asserted my daughter. We’re not sure if her undying love for bottles has prompted her to actually say “Baba,” if it’s just her favorite syllable, or both. Either way, with two strikes on me already, I figured I’d better swing away.

“Let’s go make some bottles, baby girl.”

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You may also enjoy:

Did He Just Say What I Think He Said?   Dirty Diaper Dodgeball   Born to Rock

If not, remain vigilant for splashes and face-fives.

Diaper Bullets

Dirty Diaper Dodgeball

“Some day you’re going to look back on this and miss me throwing dirty diapers at you.”
–My Wife

Diaper Bullets

My wife has developed an interesting habit. It begins when she changes the Twins’ diapers and rolls the dirty ones up into neat little balls using the Velcro straps. Now, I had seen this method utilized by other parents before we had the Twins, and understand the philosophy behind it–containing the stank within the confines of the diaper so that until it is thrown away (and even once disposed of), the rankness does not seep out. This part I get.

However, doing so seems to also give my wife license to just leave these little parcels wherever they have been created–changing tables, blankets on the floor, or even our own bed, where we change and feed the Twinfants every morning.

Minutes and minutes of researching our family history for the genesis of this tendency have revealed that it began when we (well, in a strictly anatomical sense, she) first had the Twins. I’ll admit it was a bit of a clusterf*ck in that we were constantly exhausted, running on four hours of sleep compounded over an eight-hour period, each of us feeding a baby every 2-3 hours, day and night. During that time, it was very common for both of us to simply leave dirty diapers where we changed the kids and throw them away later when they were finally asleep and had the an opportunity to do so.

There is also the argument that when changing one of the kids, the diaper disposal device–either our Diaper Genie or Diaper Champ–isn’t always right next to the changing location, so I can also understand that, especially now that the kids are able to roll around (and off things like changing tables and beds).

However, there are a few reasons why these diaper wads have gotten on my nerves.

First of all, they’re DIRTY DIAPERS. They staaank (sick sic). Now, I will give my wife credit for always properly disposing of poop-centric diapers, but liquid-based ones she lets linger start to smell just as much when you have four of them on the corner of the bed collaborating as a pleasant-odor-fighting Injustice League. Even though they are sealed to prevent liquid leakage, the stink burrows its way out.

The Justice League

If I go crazy, my wife will still not call me Superman.

Furthermore, because I’m the one who’s home all day, whenever my wife creates these treats in the morning before work, I am thus tasked with throwing them away. With as much as I pretend to do around the house as it is, I would prefer not to have to dispose of newly-established dirty diaper colonies.

Finally, the most irritating reason (which is the true spearhead of this domestic exposé) is that my wife has taken to throwing these diaper balls at yours truly. In fact, she had even dubbed these parcels “Diaper Bullets.” Her military strategy is built around times I am tired and thus more vulnerable to attack. Since she is a much lighter sleeper than I am, she’s always the first person to wake up when the Twins do. As I’m drifting back into the real world from vanquishing Voldemort or sticking it to the Galactic Empire, I’ll often be “helped along” by the impact of the still-warm diaper that has just been removed from the first-changed child. I am also often met with a barrage of fire just before going to bed. I’ll be watching tv, reading, or even taking my glasses off to lie down, and catch a faint, ever-intensifying whiff of baby urine, but before I can perform an evasive maneuver, BAM!

Operation Upshot - Knothole - Badger 001

A simulation of the actual impact multiplied by the emotions it inspires first thing in the morning.

Now, don’t get me wrong–I don’t just take this “lying down” so to speak. I retaliate with return fire, prompting a spontaneous sort of dodgeball match, but with soiled diapers.

At the same time, the “shot heard ’round the world” in the morning when I’m still half asleep and the unsuspecting kamikaze attacks before bed are what really annoy me, as I’m already tired and irritable.

I mean, really, I enjoy throwing dirty diapers at my wife as much as the next guy, but during the day when I’m alert and caffeinated. More often than not, the projectiles are unwelcome.

Of course, my wife and I have discussed this matter. I’m not just passive-aggressively blogging about this instead of communicating with her. I will say that in recent weeks, conditions have improved, for me at least. She has actually moved on to other victims–her mother and sister for example–and whenever doing so, in the same way that a wayward golf ball merits a “Fore!” she courteously bellows “Diaper Bullet!” As the perplexed target attempts to decipher what the hell she just said, he or she takes the answer to the face.

However, I have also noticed a recent resurgence of Diaper Bullet stockpiles throughout the house. She swears it’s because our lives are so chaotic at the moment since we are moving this week and stumbling over boxed belongings hourly; she allegedly forgets to go back and dispose of them because there’s so much else to do.

But I know her real motive. She is amassing ammunition.

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You may also enjoy:

We Recycle   Let's Get Sh!tfaced   Open Roads and Diaper Loads - Our First Road Trip

If not, I’d watch out for Diaper Bullets.

Six Sigma

Six Sigma Parenting Tip #1: Snack While Peeing

Six Sigma

Six Sigma is a process in business management that strives to find the most efficient method for performing tasks, supported by thorough analysis and statistical findings. While it is said to work phenomenally in the business realm, I believe such critical task analysis can be just as helpful at home–after all, it’s my place of business.

As a stay-at-home parent of twins, I need to be efficient. Any way that I can streamline what I do literally makes things twice as easy and keeps me from enduring a meltdown duet, and I’m always searching for thrilling new ninja skills to apply on the domestic battlefield.

The Disney Vault

I suspect Walt’s cryogenically frozen head to be next to a stack of “Song of the South” Blu-Rays.

For the duration of my husbandly homemaking career, I have kept my methods under wraps, locked away in a heavily-guarded location that makes the Disney Vault look as secure as a wallet shoved all the way into the toe of a shoe on the beach. However, I have been given security clearance from the U. S. Department of Defense to share these secrets with you, as long as I do so gradually, in brief installments.

On that note, here is the first.

Six Sigma Parenting Tip #1: Snack While Peeing

Those of you Loyal Readers who are parents know that while caring for young children, a trip to the bathroom becomes less casual, leisurely, and spontaneous than in your distant past life. This is because using the facilities means putting yourself in a state where you cannot necessarily immediately respond to any urgent child matter at hand, particularly while mid-stream.

The Toilet (Where the Magic Happens)

Where the Magic Happens

Thus, affording oneself an excretion opportunity typically involves the placing of children in cribs, Exersaucers, various harnessed baby furniture items, or simply bringing the child(ren) on a field trip to see Where the Magic Happens. It also often ends with a panicked flush and rushed hand-cleansing over a lavish score of screeches and whines, as the thirty seconds or so you’ve attempted to acquire for yourself are simply too long for your little ones to endure.

Another once-leisurely pastime that becomes a breakneck parenting dash is eating. Gone are the days of actually sitting down at a human-style table, imbibing your meal without interruption, especially during breakfast and lunch when you’re a trophy spouse like myself. Given the narrow window of both Twinfants being moderately distracted or even–*GASP*–asleep at the same time, it’s go time. I’m suddenly in college again, seeking out the food item with the smallest from-deciding-to-eat-it-to-putting-it-into-my-mouth time, and I can almost hear my fraternity brothers chanting “Chug! Chug! Chug!” as I perform near-kamikaze hydration.

Since these two necessary-to-life processes–eating and excreting–can become such hindrances to maintaining sweet radio silence from your babies, why not combine them?

Before you get all grossed out, just think about it.

If you’re already going to the bathroom, you’ve secured your children, and possibly any well-meaning canines that love to swallow baby socks, not because they taste good, but because it gains the ever-waning attention of their master. With your household dependents on lockdown, you plan on being occupied for a good 30 to 60 seconds anyway, so you might as well pick out a quick snack from the pantry.

Granola Bars

Nature Valley has a fantastic bar selection. I particularly enjoy the Sweet & Salty Nut series. (Yeah, I know–“That’s what she said.” Whatever. They’re delicious.)

I suggest granola bars. Not only are they scrumptious–they also take just about as long to eat as it does to exit bodily fluids.

NOTE: This Six Sigma Parenting Tip is designed exclusively for Waste Type #1 bathroom trips. I fully and literally subscribe to the folk notion of “not sh!tting where one eats,” so if you will be depositing a twosie, Twinfamy does NOT condone eating during the extraction. That’s just gross. (If this whole idea still makes your skin crawl, I’ve accounted for that, too. Check out Version 3 below.)

Depending on your personal preference/microbial outlook, I am providing procedures for three versions of this genius multitasking innovation.

Version 1: The Classic

Once you’re in the bathroom, assume your gender-fueled position. Whatever equipment you’re packing, you’re sure to have a free hand that you probably haven’t even used to touch anything that would make it too dirty to eat with. Use this hand to feed yourself.

Version 2: The Chug

If it is thirst-quenching you seek, this slight variation of The Classic involves any bottled beverage of your choosing (water, sports drinks, malt liquor, etc.). Simply position yourself, place the bottle in your mouth, and bottoms up. I recommend bottled versus open-lidded beverages as their narrow openings provide spill-free mouth delivery while taking care of business. This is an excellent way to stay hydrated, as you are replenishing liquids leaving your body.

Version 3: The Germaphobe

If it disgusts you to eat while performing this act, fear not! You can still rock this tip with a slight variation. Take your snack with you to the bathroom and complete all bathroom-oriented tasks first.

Then, on your way back, linger just outside the bathroom door, out of your loinfruits’ eyeshot, and chow down. In fact, if they are quiet and happy, I suggest hiding here until they are not, as it may be your only free moment of the day. If you bring your smartphone, you can even read Twinfamy from e-cover to e-cover.

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Sure, you may hear the natives getting restless during any of these processes, but you, my friend, have killed two birds with one stone.

And that makes you a Six Sigma Parent.

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You may also enjoy:

Naptime Musings - My 6 Most Common Thoughts   We Recycle   Captwin's Log - Stay at Home Father Day 1

If not, wait here and watch Elmo for a minute. I’ll be right back.

More Cowbell

Don’t Fear the Teether

Walken-Cowbell

THE Bruce Dickinson, whose work has spawned the now-common cowbell remedy.

If you read Tuesday’s Captwin’s Log, you learned about my mutinous daughter’s escapades. It turns out that her behavior was not due to my own incompetence (Yay!)–it’s because she was teething and feverish (Boo!). Having figured this out, I scoured my memory for any folk wisdom relevant to the situation. I once heard that the only prescription for a fever is more cowbell, but I wasn’t so sure about that, so I decided to consult my pediatrician.

So, upon gratefully entrusting my son to his aunt’s capable hands, Wednesday morning I took my daughter to the doctor and the doctor said, “No more monkeys jumping on the bed!” Which I thought was a rather odd (and brusque) response. It turned out that she was confusing my daughter with another patient, one of five quintuplets who took an unfortunate spill while jumping on a bed, cracking his cranium on impact.  Having sorted out the monkey business, we moved on to my daughter.

We love our doctor.  She has a constant smile and always appears to be in a fantastic mood, but not at all in an annoying way–you can tell it’s genuine.  As first-(and-I-guess,-second)-time parents, we’re aware–but can’t help–that we come in with a certain unbridled rookie intensity, and our pediatrician takes that in stride, making a point to reassure us of the phenomenal job we’re doing.

“So what’s going on today?” she smiled.  “I usually only see my twins for well visits, since you and Mom do such a great job.”  See?  Love it.  ALL people in the service industry, take note.

She consulted my daughter’s charts as I gave an animated play-by-play of the past 24 hours, apologizing for the crudity of my props and set design, for I had not had optimal preparation time: We had noticed she was flush and uncharacteristically warm last night, with especially red ears. Earlier that morning her fever had spiked to 100.4° F before we bought her a round of Tylenol with a breast milk/formula cocktail to chase.  Additionally, she (and her brother) have been exhibiting all the signs of teething: gushes of drool resembling transparent, wet gotees; the gnawing of any appendage, corner, toy, or Nook Color in a one-foot radius (Don’t worry–my Nook is okay.  I know you were concerned.); and a particular preference for objects of the arctic persuasion, such as fridge-cooled teething rings, wet rags, ice sculptures, Coldplay, etc.  Suddenly realizing I had painstakingly chronicled yesterday’s events already, I offered to read my previous blog entry aloud for her and even autograph a printout, but she respectfully declined in favor of actually examining the patient, which was probably a good call, backed by years of medical training.

More Cowbell

Gene, former cowbellist of Blue Oyster Cult, demonstrates proper form.

Having inspected my daughter’s vitals and crevices, she looked up. “Well, I am a little concerned about the fever. Have you tried cowbell?”

“Yes!  Yes, we have!  That was the first thing we tried!”

She nodded.  “Excellent!  Great work, Dad!  Okay, well, obviously, that didn’t solve the problem.  So then, when that didn’t work, did you try more cowbell?”

“As a matter of fact, we did.  We attempted both the initial cowbell and then more cowbell.”

“Good, good,” she nodded, scribbling notes on the chart.

“Well,” she continued, “She’s definitely teething, but it doesn’t look like she’s quite ready to cut a tooth.” I cringed–not because of the news itself, but because of the expression “cutting a tooth.”  I’d heard it before, each utterance more excruciating than the last.  It’s just ridiculous.  It’s not the tooth that’s being cut–it’s the gums.  Yet, everyone has agreed upon this atrocity.  It’s right up there with “I could care less.”  No, you mean you could NOT care less.  I was appalled to hear a medical professional committing such a crime against linguistics–there must be something Latin to say instead.  However, given the circumstances, I decided it was best to bite my tongue.  (But not with teeth that have ever been “cut.”  I’ll stand firm on at least that.)

“So the reason I wanted you to come in today is because when a fever spikes like this, without other noticeable symptoms, it could mean an infection. Usually it’s an ear infection, but her ears look okay.”

I cringed, this time actually, yes, because of the news.  I was plagued with ear infection after ear infection as an infant, many of which were not even diagnosed, until my poor mother–a pharmacist–persisted that I’d been clawing my pudgy hands at my ears for days, shrieking in pain.  Doctors later discovered they were not discovering the infections because I have unusually  narrow Eustachian tubes–so narrow that they envelop infections in an Invisibility Cloak.  To this day, I must still insist–especially with new doctors–to re-examine my history if I am ever to receive the antibiotics necessary for salvation from the vice clamped around my head.  I am hoping to dodge this tiny bullet with my children and knew my daughter would first need to be a repeat ear-symptom offender before validating it.

“I learned something today.”

Then the doctor said something I will share with you, O Loyal Reader, in case you encounter this situation with your own progeny, because I, like Kyle Broflovskli of South Park, learned something that day.

“Occasionally–especially with a little girl–it could mean she has a urinary tract infection (UTI)…”

Now, this is mainly for the guys since they don’t have the equipment of their own to maintain, but it’s very important when changing a diaper to apply the axiom “wipe front to back,” particularly in sanitizing feminine parts.  (This principle actually applies well to people all ages and genders.  You’re welcome.)  Unfortunately, due to the nature of wearing excrement in a to-go bag, infection does still occasionally happen.  Like most things, I insist with my wife how awe-inspiring I am upholding this guideline regardless of actual skill.

A suspenseful swell of foreboding violin strings crescendoed as the pediatrician continued.  “…but her lady parts look just fine, too.”

“Score!”  I fist-bumped my daughter.

“Nn-Gaaah?” she tittered.

With all that in mind, I was advised to monitor Our Princess’s temperature and continue with the Tylenol if it got high, cowbell at the ready.  A few days’ vigil saw her temperature returning to normal and an resurgence of her ecstatic self.

Then, over the weekend came the snorting, coughing and projectile sneezing…

Twinfamy Batman LogoWill Our Little Princess emerge victorious from this biological battle?  Will the affliction spread to other unfortunate members of the Pseudonymous bloodline, culminating in the full onslaught of a zombie apocalypse 28 days later?  Has our family cowbell’s efficacy diminished due to faulty manufacturing and/or a long-past expiration date?

For the shocking revelations of these and countless other unanswered questions in the Twinfamy Saga, tune in for the next electrifying Twincident, same twinternet site, same (or entirely different) twin-time!

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Additional Twinformation for New Parents

A 500-Disc DVD Special Edition Bonus Feature

Handy and/or Dandy Baby Fever Chart

If you baby is… Call your doctor when…
Less than 3 months old temperature is 100.4° F (38° C) or higher
3 to 6 months old temperature is 101° F (38.3° C) or higher
6 months or old temperature is 103° F (39.4° C) or higher
a werewolf it changes back to human form (easier to get into car seat)

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Tylenol

For most babies under 6 months, Tylenol is the pain reliever/fever reducer most doctors recommend.  The active ingredient in Tylenol is acetaminophen.  I’m telling you this because you can often save a few bucks by finding the generic version, which usually says “acetaminophen” in bigger letters than “compare to Tylenol.”  You can use these few bucks to buy yourself a drink, which will taste really good once your sick child has fallen asleep and has finally stopped crying.

Fellow rookie parents: Consult your own physician for proper Tylenol dosage–it depends on your child’s weight.

Rebellious rookie parents: You are so undeniably cool!  Teach me to be like you!  BUT, while play by your own rules and live on the edge and whip your hair back and forth and whatnot, please don’t make your baby a wild child when it comes to medicine.  The label says not to administer it more often than every 4-6 hours for a reason, so please follow the rules just this once.  Don’t worry about your rep.  I won’t tell anyone.  I’m not even looking.

Twintroduction

Twinfamy Logo

“So…I think you should quit your job and stay home with the kids.”

I slapped myself in the face repeatedly, forcing my dozing eyes open so as not to veer off the freeway, t-bone a concrete slab, and send my weary head through shards of broken windshield, thus widowing my poor wife and newborn fraternal twins, never to be able to tell my great grandchildren tales riddled with outrageous claims about how many New York Times bestsellers I wrote back in the day.  When you’re a new parent, you suddenly grow an incredible appreciation for as many moments of sleep you can get, as well as beverages containing enough caffeine to wake the dead.  Unfortunately, the Coke I’d drank during my last period class had gotten me through the lesson, but had conveniently tapered off just as I’d gotten on the road.

At the time, we were getting about three hours of sleep on a good night.  It’s difficult enough to get rest when you have one newborn, as I’ve been told, anyway.  I wouldn’t know because these are our first two, and I don’t have the experience of only one baby with which to compare it.  I will say that it’s a rare, triumphant event during the first few weeks when both twins are asleep at the same time.  They do not come with a synchronization feature, and tech support has stated that there are no current upgrades in the works.

This means that any time one wakes up, you are on red alert because any noise whatsoever from the first could wake the other.  However, you are also faced with the possible decision of intentionally waking the other in an effort to create your own synchronization system.  All the books suggest it, but was the chapter you fell asleep reading relevant in this exact situation?  Maybe you and your spouse should just stand there, staring at each other, waiting for the other to make an executive decision.  Maybe you can pretend you’re sleepwalking, so she’ll have to make the call.  But wait, is she actually sleepwalking?  The silent deliberation is then broken by the sound of your poor, as-of-late neglected canine, who insists on letting the thug with the thumping bass in his hot rod know that she can hear him and does not like it.  She’s more of an indie rock fan.

And so twin number two is up, startle reflex triggered, causing what looks like a breakneck rendition of Swan Lake and culminating in an inventive new blood-curdling shriek, finding octaves you did not realize were in a newborn’s register.  We need to get her a voice coach.  I should write that down.

Then, amidst the chaos, one of the little people in question rests a tiny hand on your arm or shoots you a rare bashful smile, and you are reminded that this is all totally and completely worth it.

These were our nights.

A few more whacks to the face and I was good to go, with the added bonus of rosy cheeks.  I had returned to my job as a middle school English teacher two weeks ago and this, paired with sleepless nights, made the drive home one of the day’s most daunting tasks.  At the same time, it gave me a phenomenal excuse to roll every window down and crank obnoxious punk rock up to 11 as if I were still in high school, which is always great fun.  I especially appreciate this as a new reason to justify the purchase of such sonic greatness to my wife, who finds snotty old-school hardcore to be a particularly challenging listen.

My attempt to cross the threshold of the Central Twintelligence Agency (my home) was thwarted.  After a few attempts at opening the door (and a few WTFs), I realized the culprit: the open door of our front-loading dryer.  This is a feature of our house that I will surely employ in the event of a zombie apocalypse.  “Babe, I can’t get in again!”

“Okay, hold on!  I need to put them both down!”

After wading through the pink-and-light-blue rubble and changing out of the clothes that had God-knows-what all over them from tween sneezes and coughs, I gave my hands a good scrub, and kissed my bleary-eyed wife, who was on the couch with my son and daughter in each arm.  My children perked up and kicked with wide-eyed excitement at the sound of Daddy’s voice, and my dog, who was gated in the kitchen/dog lounge, performed the “welcome home” ritual I’ve come to expect, the old I’m-so-excited-you’re-home-that-if-you-don’t-get-me-outside-in-five-seconds-I-will-urinate-on-the-floor gag.

I finally plopped down on the couch with my son in my lap, and smiled at my wife, happy to be home again.  “So, how was today?”

“Pretty good.  So…I think you should quit your job and stay home with the kids starting in the fall.”

I laughed.  “Yeah, okay.  What do you want to do for dinner?  I’m starving.”

“No, I’m serious.  You should stay home with the kids.  I thought about it and I think it’s a great idea.  Plus, you could start taking classes again and finish your Ph.D. sooner.”

I was dumbstruck.  And, of course, the only logical response was, “How about Taco Bell?”

Suffice it to say that after some processing time (and two Beefy Crunch Burritos), I realized my wife—as always—had an excellent point, and after further discussion, we decided that when the school year ended this May, I would start my brand new position: trophy husband.

Luckily, I was the only applicant.

And thus began preparations for a new chapter in my life, a date which will live in twinfamy.

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This blog will chronicle my adventures as a new, stay-at-home father of twins.  Since there are comparatively fewer stay-at-home dads and even fewer who have twins, I’m hoping that other dads in my situation will especially benefit from reading this.  At the same time, it isn’t exclusively for them.

I’m a brand new parent, and I’ll never claim to be an expert, but I do plan on sharing what I’ve found to work well with my kids, as well as what hasn’t.  Because my wife and I are experiencing boy and girl newborns simultaneously, we have the unique opportunity to offer—for lack of a better term—two different “case studies” to other new parents.  Also, out of necessity, we’re constantly searching for new ways and products that make caring for two babies at the same time more efficient, and in that way, I feel all new parents—and especially new parents of multiples—will find it helpful.

When we get right down to it, though, this blog is really for anyone and everyone.  As a soon-to-be-former middle school English teacher who has needed to hold uninterested young minds’ attention for a living, I believe learning is amplified and enhanced by things that are awesome.  For that reason (and, admittedly, my own enjoyment) I’m going to make this as entertaining as I can.  I’m going to tell stories instead of making lame, boring lists that sound like a robot crapped them out.  So this is also going to be a sort of sitcom-y memoir, which could be enjoyed by anyone with amazing taste and who knows sheer genius when they see it.  (That’s you!)

I don’t know exactly what to expect, but I do know it will be incredible because I’ll have the privilege of spending most of my time with my little boy and girl, who make life absolutely beautiful (along, of course, with my wife—love you, babe!).

I hope you stay tuned, and enjoy.