As you may have already picked up from my recent silence, I’ve been absolutely buried in both family and academic responsibilities, leaving little time for the highly elaborate stick figure drawings and desperately important fart puns you’ve come to expect from this fine publication. So while I’m digging myself out, I’m elated to present a Very Special Guest Post by a close personal friend of mine: my second grade self.
My mother recently gave me a box of my old drawings and school papers that she amassed over the years, and among them was the following epic superhero tale, which just screams “movie adaptation” (I’m awaiting a call, Joss Whedon).
Without further ado, I give you “Super John vs. Joe Judo.”
Thanks so much for browsing in on such short notice. I know we’re in the midst of The TwinfaMaui Saga, but dire circumstances have prompted this brief interruption. I don’t have much time, so I’ll get right to the point.
Just a few days ago, scientists at the Twinfamy Research Labs unearthed a lost and long-forgotten relic from the elaborate network of catacombs beneath the Pseudonymous residence: the (tw)infamous Dead Draft Scrolls. For those who don’t know, this highly sought-after artifact is a hard drive containing sacred ancient writings of the Pseudonymous people, including drafts of compositions that really ought to be New York Times Bestsellers by now (and surely would be had yours truly realized how much free time I had before becoming a parent).
Among these legendary texts is a collection of war stories from my career as a middle school English teacher, a stint that ended in a blaze of glory as I was summoned to stay-at-home greatness. The writings are dated 5 B. T. (5 years Before Twins), placing them around the year 2006.
As you can imagine, there was much rejoicing in the Twinfamy camp, as my Prodigal Brainchildren had been found. However, it is with a heavy heart that I report one of these pieces is already missing.
Which is the reason I’ve called you all here.