Good News/Bad News: Tall Order

Good News: For the first time in our seven-year relationship, my wife and I purchased a brand new mattress and boxspring. We got a smokin’ deal on top of a rebate and we will now be spending our nights on cloudlike memory foam.

Bad News: The new bed is about eight inches higher, so my pregnant wife can’t get in and out of bed without a stool.

Stool - Twinfamy

Me: “But it’s nice once you get up here, right?”

Wife: “Shut up.”

Continue reading

The Problem with Cookies

The Problem with Cookies

I watched the sun as it crawled toward the horizon through a line of palm trees just off in the distance. Despite it being early October, the temperature was still in the mid-eighties, meaning a t-shirt, shorts, and flip flops were the only way to go. A cool breeze blew through my toes as I finished off my Philly cheesesteak and glanced at my wife and kids around the table.

No, we were not on vacation. We were not at the beach. In fact, we were actually sitting outside at a restaurant only a few miles from our house. This is Arizona’s “Fall,” and after four months of 110-degree weather, it reminds us every year the real reason we live here.

Gazing at the orange sky silhouetted by palms, I told my wife, “I know you grew up here, but every time I see a sight like this, it still feels like I’m on vacation.” (I was raised in Connecticut, where it was not uncommon to expect snow on Halloween.)

“Yep,” she replied. “This is like the best time of year. And it goes by so fast.” She’s right. As soon as the weather cools off, it always feels like a dead sprint through Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s.

But this evening, with autumn still new and shiny, time seemed to stand still.

“Are we still getting ice cream?” asked my son, who had just finished his chicken nuggets.

“Well, yeah, Buddy,” my wife replied. “We are, but we’re still waiting for Sister to finish her dinner.”

My son eyed his sister, who was leisurely nibbling on her fries, with plenty still piled on her plate. He grimaced. “Is this a dessert place, too?”

“No, Buddy. They only have chicken nuggets and French fries and Mommy and Daddy’s cheesesteaks.” (And yes, in case you’re wondering, cheesesteaks followed by ice cream were, in fact, my pregnant wife’s idea. Boo-yah.)

Looking up from her fries, my daughter chimed in. “I saw cookies inside.”

Terrific.

Continue reading

The Right to Remain Idle

“Making a human is hard work, you know? This is why women shouldn’t have to do ANYthing else. And I know that sets feminists back 100 to 200 years, but I don’t care. If you’re pregnant, you shouldn’t have to do ANYthing. It’s the truth.” — My Wife

Mary Poppins - Mrs. Banks - Sister Suffragette

“Our daughters’ daughters will deplore us…”

Continue reading

Naming the Guppy

Bubble Guppies

Me: Hey sweetie, if The Baby in Mommy’s Tummy is a girl, what do you think we should name her?

Daughter: Bubble Guppy.

Me: Like, one of the characters’ names on Bubble Guppies? Like Oona, or Deema?

Daughter: No. Just Bubble Guppy.

Me: Okay, what if it’s a boy?

Daughter: Bubble Guppy Boy.

Me: Well, that settles that.

.

Continue reading