Tagged: bib

Neo dodges bullets in the only good Matrix film.

We Recycle

Wife: Our son just flung vomit into my mouth.

Me: Yay, another milestone! Where’s his baby book?

I was not present at the Time of Flinging, for I was slaying daughter diaper poo in another room, but legend has it that the tragic trajectory events occurred as follows.

But first…

Our Son's Actual Baby Book (without his picture)--Click to buy from Babies R Us

There wasn't enough room in the book, so I wrote a link to this post instead.

Our son is a loose cannon in the spit-up department. Since his first day outside of his mother, he’s had a flair for reflux. We’ve been told this is more common with boys than girls and that it typically disappears after 12 months. In the meantime, however, my son often needs as many wardrobe changes as you would expect from Lady Gaga live in terrible concert. Bibs are no match for his vomit comets. Sure, they work okay, but ponchos would work better.

As his parents, my wife and I are constantly in the line of fire, enjoying refreshing vomit rinses multiple times daily. I can’t remember a day since I began house-husbanding that I did not need to change my shirt due to battle damage. Now, keep in mind, it’s high summer in the arid, scorching Arizona desert. Wussy, coin-sized spots dry right up and do not necessitate a wardrobe change. In contrast, here is an accurate depiction of the quality of work you can expect from him, as modeled by my lovely Who t-shirt.

My Who Shirt + My Son's Vomit

I thought I'd sufficiently burped him. I Won't Get Fooled Again.

After the day’s last feeding, we always feel we’re walking on eggshells that have already been slightly cracked by someone at the grocery store and that actually burst apart when pulled from the carton in an attempt to assemble them into a walkway, leaving us with egg on our faces and everywhere else. But the egg is vomit.

This is because once he’s had his last bottle, he could blow at any moment, but we need to get him ready for bed and put on his pajamas. So we do, so that he can hose them down, prompting Pajama Change 2: Return of the Reflux. And then he drenches those. and we initiate Pajama Change 3-D: This Time It’s Personal. And so on.

Not only is this process simply annoying, the re-changes often re-invigorate him when he’s just about to drift off, keeping him up later than he should be, depriving himself of much-needed slumber, and most importantly, infiltrating Mommy and Daddy’s only few hours to ourselves. How can I pretend to be interested in my wife’s So You Think You Can Dance commentary while flinging Angry Birds if he doesn’t go to sleep?

So when Old Faithful is about to be faithful, we are perfectly okay with doing anything we can do to keep his pajamas dry, even to the point of taking the bullet ourselves. One method we like to use is the Use My Hand as a Barf Bag Method (UMHAABBM), in which the user cups a hand and, well, you get it.

All right, now that you’ve been briefed, here is how the Great Vomit Fling of 2011 came to pass.

Into my wife’s mouth.

Eyewitnesses claim it began with the groan we have come to identify as “Fire in the hole.” My wife, who was sitting with him on the couch, valiantly administered the UMHAABBM with great success, inheriting a wrist-adjacent pool of formula, breast milk, rice cereal and prune baby food, spilling only a few drops and leaving my son’s PJs unscathed.

As she deftly balanced herself so as to not spill this treasure, my son noticed his hand, and remembering it to be an excellent appendage on which to suck, brought it to his mouth, still dripping upchuck.

He then glimpsed Mommy’s Bangs, another tried-and-true snack with the additional appeal of The Squeaky Sound Mommy Makes When I Pull and Don’t Let Go. His hand shot right for it.

Neo dodges bullets in the only good Matrix film.

Follow the white vomit.

Now, I may get in trouble with our Clan for divulging this, but my wife and I are ninjas. So in a move akin to Neo’s Bullet-Time dodge in the only good Matrix film, she successfully eluded his swipe, but–after a long day at work–did not account for the globule of vomit launched in the strike.

In its wake, not a day goes by since last night when it happened, that I don’t hear people ask, “Where were you when the vomit fell?”

They respond with awe and wonder when I casually remark, “In the next room, changing a diaper. No big deal.”

But it was a big deal.

At least to my wife.

.

Author’s Note

A 500-Disc DVD Special Edition Bonus Feature

My wife has observed that Twincidents have tended to feature humor at her expense–sticking her face in my son’s feces for example. She explicitly stated that she does not mind because such experiences happen to all parents. However, she did suggest writing about my own unfortunate twin run-ins, to which I responded, “But I can’t think of one. Can you?”

“Actually, no, not really.”

“See?”

“Wait, what about the time you…?”

…but that’s another story.

.

You may also enjoy:

Let's Get Sh!tfaced   Naptime Musings - My 6 Most Common Thoughts   Pun for the Whole Family

If not, at least try to get it in my cupped hand.

Twinfamy Pack Mule - Cropped

I Need Some Space (The Final Frontier) OR Twin Wars: Episode 1 – Taunt of the Tauntaun

Wife: We need a bigger diaper bag.

Me: Or possibly a pack mule.

Twinfamy Pack Mule - Cropped

Click the image above for a larger, more glorious version.

.

Rainy Day Activity!

What is this pack mule carrying? If you can name all of the products in a comment for this post, you will automatically be entered in a chance to win at life, compliments of Twinfamy.com!

.

Fine-Ass Print

Relax, O Loyal Animal Activist Reader–this is not an actual photograph. It was Photoshopped without Photoshop using Microsoft PowerPoint. Furthermore, neither I nor Twinfamy.com advocate the actual use of a pack mule for infant supply transport, primarily because parents already deal with their fair share of feces (sometimes even as an oblivious beautifying facial mask) and the addition of such an animal to one’s entourage would undoubtedly provide even more of an opportunity for sh!t to happen.

We also understand your particular offense to the placement of the Baby Bjorn on the fictional, hypothetical mule’s snout. However, it is not Twinfamy’s fault that the Baby Bjorn is coincidentally bridle-shaped and thus looks especially hilarious in this electronic, not-at-all-intended-for-real-life anatomical location.

The Royal We finally agree that despite the stereotypical “stubbornness” perpetuated by Fox News, the mule is a majestic creature who has just as much of a right to wear hemp and make others feel guilty for thinking steak is delicious as anyone. In fact, in the event that a mule actually is stubborn, it is probably for a viable reason, such as the lack of career options aside from doing oppressive humans’ heavy lifting, or the simple fact that their boys cannot swim due to the chromosonal ramifications of having horse fathers and donkey mothers, not to mention the pressures of having multiracial parents in general.

If you’re still upset, fear not.  I have prepared an alternate version.  Please forget the above ever happened, and see below.

.

Alternate Ending

A 500-Disc DVD Special Edition Bonus Feature

Ready? Here we go! Making the jump to LIGHT SPEED…

.

Twin Wars: Episode 1 – The Taunt of the Tauntaun

Twin Wars - A Long Time Ago in a Twinfamy far, far away...

Twin Wars - Title

Twin Wars - Episode 1 - Taunt of the Tauntaun

Wife: We need a bigger diaper bag.

Me: Or possibly a pack tauntaun.

Twin Wars - Pack Tauntaun

Still plenty of room for power converters, and also a great heat source if you're stranded in a blizzard on Hoth.

.

Jedi Training Exercise

What is this pack tauntaun carrying? If you can name all of the products in a comment for this post, you will automatically be entered in a chance to win one Jedi training lesson with Yoda, the Jedi Master himself, compliments of Twinfamy.com! Offer does not include travel, and is only valid if you can locate Master Yoda on Dagobah yourself.

.

You may also like:

Let's Get Sh!tfaced   Big Mother Is Watching Icon   The Dad Abides

If not, please don’t turn to the Dark Side.  Balance has finally been brought to The Force, and you’d just selfishly ruin it for everyone.