Tagged: Balmex

The Wife Shoe Wiki

It was date night in the land of Twinfamy, and with the Twins in the more-than-capable hands of my parents, my wife and I were ecstatic. With a whole night completely devoid of anything having to do with tiny people spread out before us, we were out on the town doing the wildest, craziest, most psychotic thing imaginable–picking up a few things at Babies “R” Us while we waited for our restaurant to open at 5 pm.

My wife always does this. We finally have a moment to ourselves to do something awesome like pound tequila shots just before bungee jumping off the Washington Monument and making love midair, but just as I’m getting on the phone to book the private jet, she’ll say something like, “You know, we really need to go get more paper towels at Target.”

And the worst part is, she’s freaking right. We do need more stupid paper towels.

Sigh.

Anyway…

As we exited Babies “R” Us with our deeply exciting date night purchases (toddler socks and Balmex), my wife suddenly turned to me and asked, “So, did you notice my new shoes today?”

I instinctively looked down at her feet for the first time that day, because, well, of course I hadn’t noticed her new shoes. I’m a guy, and I barely care about my own shoes. I’m especially not sure how–as someone with literally four pairs in my rotation–I’m expected to keep track of all 47 of hers and ascertain whether the currently worn pair is a new addition. Perhaps I should maintain a Wife Shoe Wiki.

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Twinfamy Pack Mule - Cropped

I Need Some Space (The Final Frontier) OR Twin Wars: Episode 1 – Taunt of the Tauntaun

Wife: We need a bigger diaper bag.

Me: Or possibly a pack mule.

Twinfamy Pack Mule - Cropped

Click the image above for a larger, more glorious version.

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Rainy Day Activity!

What is this pack mule carrying? If you can name all of the products in a comment for this post, you will automatically be entered in a chance to win at life, compliments of Twinfamy.com!

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Fine-Ass Print

Relax, O Loyal Animal Activist Reader–this is not an actual photograph. It was Photoshopped without Photoshop using Microsoft PowerPoint. Furthermore, neither I nor Twinfamy.com advocate the actual use of a pack mule for infant supply transport, primarily because parents already deal with their fair share of feces (sometimes even as an oblivious beautifying facial mask) and the addition of such an animal to one’s entourage would undoubtedly provide even more of an opportunity for sh!t to happen.

We also understand your particular offense to the placement of the Baby Bjorn on the fictional, hypothetical mule’s snout. However, it is not Twinfamy’s fault that the Baby Bjorn is coincidentally bridle-shaped and thus looks especially hilarious in this electronic, not-at-all-intended-for-real-life anatomical location.

The Royal We finally agree that despite the stereotypical “stubbornness” perpetuated by Fox News, the mule is a majestic creature who has just as much of a right to wear hemp and make others feel guilty for thinking steak is delicious as anyone. In fact, in the event that a mule actually is stubborn, it is probably for a viable reason, such as the lack of career options aside from doing oppressive humans’ heavy lifting, or the simple fact that their boys cannot swim due to the chromosonal ramifications of having horse fathers and donkey mothers, not to mention the pressures of having multiracial parents in general.

If you’re still upset, fear not.  I have prepared an alternate version.  Please forget the above ever happened, and see below.

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Alternate Ending

A 500-Disc DVD Special Edition Bonus Feature

Ready? Here we go! Making the jump to LIGHT SPEED…

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Twin Wars: Episode 1 – The Taunt of the Tauntaun

Twin Wars - A Long Time Ago in a Twinfamy far, far away...

Twin Wars - Title

Twin Wars - Episode 1 - Taunt of the Tauntaun

Wife: We need a bigger diaper bag.

Me: Or possibly a pack tauntaun.

Twin Wars - Pack Tauntaun

Still plenty of room for power converters, and also a great heat source if you're stranded in a blizzard on Hoth.

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Jedi Training Exercise

What is this pack tauntaun carrying? If you can name all of the products in a comment for this post, you will automatically be entered in a chance to win one Jedi training lesson with Yoda, the Jedi Master himself, compliments of Twinfamy.com! Offer does not include travel, and is only valid if you can locate Master Yoda on Dagobah yourself.

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If not, please don’t turn to the Dark Side.  Balance has finally been brought to The Force, and you’d just selfishly ruin it for everyone.