Twinfamy

The Twins first got their Nabi tablets about two years ago. We’re conscious of limiting their screen time, but I think anyone with kids can agree that anything that keeps them busy for more than 30 seconds can be a win for everyone at least once in a while. Lately, with both of the Twins sick with colds (and my son somehow contracting a mild case of pneumonia in the over-100-degree Arizona heat), the Nabis have been a fantastic distraction for them while they rest and leave Mommy and Daddy alone for five freaking minutes–maybe six If we’re lucky.

We recently added the YouTube Kids app to their playscape, and they absolutely adore being able to watch videos of grown adults opening toys and ill-conceived animated songs whenever they want, and Mommy and Daddy can rest easy knowing it has an excellent kid-friendly filter. My daughter’s favorite function of the app is the ability to search for videos with voice commands. Like most newfangled contraptions nowadays, she can simply press the microphone-shaped icon, vocally request what her heart desires, and through modern sorcery, the videos magically appear before her eyes.

As my wife and I had the pleasure of taking turns with two snot-nosed four-year-olds (and their boogery six-month-old sister) all week, I decided to compile a list of some of my very favorite YouTube searches I overheard my daughter barking at her Nabi. Feel free to search them yourself, but a fair warning: What you find may numb your mind, bore you to tears, or even disgust you (especially if you’re NOT using that YouTube Kids filter).

Here they are, in no particular order. As you’ll soon see, my daughter has VERY specific tastes.

1. “Superman and Batman costumes with people inside them wearing them singing songs”

Because it is important to clarify that there are people inside the costumes.

2. “Plain Hello Kitty surprise eggs with nothing on them”

When asked I her for clarification, she replied, “I don’t want the eggs to have any pictures on them, but I want them to have Hello Kitty toys in them.” (For those who don’t know, surprise eggs are exactly what they sound like. Think those Easter eggs that you can put stuff in. You’d be amazed how many of YouTube’s servers are filled with people opening f*cking toy eggs.)

3. “Not these videos. I don’t like these. I want other videos.”

Right. Let’s see how well that works for you.

4. “No! Play videos I like!”

Yep. Very productive.

5. “Daddy! Come help me!”

What do you say?

6. “Daddy, will you please come help me? I can’t find the videos I want.”

Better.

7. “Snail fingers”

???

8. “Little kitty cat toys going to the doctor, but teeny tiny ones, NOT big ones”

Yeah. F*ck those big kitty cats. The doctor can leave them to die.

9. “Medium kid toys and someone controlling them, remember that one time when I saw that video?”

I am terrified to see what would come up without the kid-friendly search filter on this one, but really had trouble keeping a straight face with “remember that one time…?”

and finally…

10. “Pregnant Anna from Frozen video game”

Yes, this is actually a thing. A very weird thing.

You may also enjoy:

If not, maybe you should ask for different videos.