Twinfamy

“Hey, Daddy!” called my son, strutting into the kitchen while I was stirring a pot of pasta on the stove for dinner. “Do you want to play a game wiff me?”

“Sure, Buddy,” I replied, putting down the spoon. “What game should we play?”

Lately everything I play with him is a “game.” My personal favorite is “Which One Is Loud?”—a game in which Daddy is presented with a host of toy animals and must choose which of the animals is the loudest. Once a champion is named, next comes the second loudest, the third loudest, and so on, until all animals have been properly ranked in decreasing decibel order. In the early rounds, I always find it particularly challenging to decide between a lion’s roar or tiger’s roar, and then later, between a sea turtle and a goldfish. (I guess the turtle splashes louder?) As the Final Judge of Loudness, my son often illogically overrules my decisions—sometimes claiming a shark is louder than an elephant—but as he is the creator of “Which One Is Loud?” I must respect his authority.

Yeah, I choose my battles.

. . .

My son wasted no time and gave me my first game instruction.

“Roar like a lion!”

I happily and enthusiastically obliged. “Raaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwhhh!” Was this game a derivative of “Which One Is Loud?”

“Okay, Buddy,” I said. “Now what?”

“Zoom like a car!”

“Vvvvvvrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooommmmm!” I was actually pretty proud of this one. I even did a little vibrato at the end to create an idling engine effect. Surely I was winning the game. “Okay, what’s next?”

“Smell like a flower!”

I was ready. I was willing. And just when I was about to make a sound, I realized it wasn’t a f*cking sound he was asking for. I had nothing. After a moment of contemplation, I finally replied, “Buddy, I— I— I don’t know what you want me here.”

To which he responded:

“HAHAHA! You can’t do it! You can’t do it!”

He ran off down the hall laughing hysterically. I stood alone in the kitchen, thinking What just happened? Was he just messing with me?

Yes.

Yes, he was.

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If not, smell like a flower.

HAHAHA! You can’t do it, can you?