Twinfamy

the epic blog of a father of twins

What My Kids Do During the 30 Seconds It Takes Me to Leave the Room and Pee: A Non-Exhaustive List

February 4, 2014

1. Get into a fistfight over a Lego

2. Get into a fistfight over a sticker

3. Get into a fistfight over a toy we’ve bought two of so they won’t fistfight over it

4. Steal Daddy’s phone

5. Get into a fistfight over Daddy’s phone

6. Reply to emails from Daddy’s dissertation chair with gibberish

7. Break something, causing a fistfight

8. Break something, during a fistfight

9. Climb onto the kitchen table

10. Go streaking

11. Dump out the dog’s water dish and claim to be ice-skating

12. Empty the toybox I just spent a half hour filling while they sat on their asses singing “Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere” and contributed a single toy between the two of them

13. Draw Daddy a pretty picture…on the wall

14. Remove all books from all bookshelves; bonus points for top shelves that require climbing

15. Hide

16. Throw fits and pitifully scream “Daddy! Daddy! I want you to come back! I don’t want you to go!” until I return

17. Follow me in and tell me I’m a big boy when I’m done

18. Plot against me

What do YOUR kids do during the 30 seconds it takes you to leave the room and pee? What’s on YOUR list? What is your quest? What is your favorite color? Tell me tell me tell me in the comments below.

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Categories: Family, Humor, Hyperreality, Non-Exhaustive List, Parenting, SAHD, Stay At Home Dad, Twins

Tags: daughter, dog, family, father of twins, fistfight, Lego, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, PhD, phone, Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots, SAHD, son, stay at home dad, sticker, streaking, Twincidents, twins

48 responses to “What My Kids Do During the 30 Seconds It Takes Me to Leave the Room and Pee: A Non-Exhaustive List”

post post modern dad (@ppmdad)

February 4, 2014 at 8:06 am

The kicker is this list may be non-exhaustive but all happened during one trip to pee. I know and understand.

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  February 4, 2014 at 8:13 am
  
  Thanks. If only I could be as efficient with my time as my kids are for those 30 seconds.
  
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Elle Knowles

February 4, 2014 at 8:25 am

It may get better, I promise. My twins are now 39. You trade one set of rules for another as they get older though! LOL!

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  February 4, 2014 at 8:29 am
  
  Hahahaha! I love how you say it MAY get better and not that it WILL get better. I’ve heard that from a lot of people–it doesn’t get easier as the get older, it just gets different. Makes complete sense to me from what I know so far.
  
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  1. Elle Knowles
    
    February 4, 2014 at 8:30 am
    
    You got it! ;)
    
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Deborah the Closet Monster

February 4, 2014 at 9:21 am

I know I am still relatively young and spry, but I envy the speed with which kids can accomplish some of these feats. Excepting the fist fight portions (only the one here, still), all these are ones we’ve experienced some variation of. :)

Oh! And popping a piece of plastic into the “on” oven! That was a fun one.

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  February 4, 2014 at 9:24 am
  
  Oh, don’t worry, you’ll have fistfights soon enough. :) The plastic must have been a blast. How long did your house smell from that one. Of course, I guess if the oven was on, he could have burned himself. So at least you dodged that bullet, right?
  
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Drea

February 4, 2014 at 9:22 am

My twins pull about half of the stuffing out of the futon and then cry and scream “MOMMY! IT’S A SPIDER! MOOOOOOOOOMMYYYYYYYY!” or cry “WAIT, MOMMY! WAIT! WAAAAAAIIIIIIIIT! MOOOOOOOOMMYYYYYYYYYY!” Once in a while I hear “No, Alice! That’s MY puppy!” “No, Rosalie! It’s MY puppy!” “NO, ALICE! MINE!” “But what about ME?”

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  February 4, 2014 at 9:27 am
  
  Oh, geez. That’s like “crying wolf.” How do you know when there’s REALLY a spider? I have to say, on occasion I’ve even *ahem* stopped mid-stream in cases that sounded like dire emergencies, but they never are. So now I just finish and take what comes when I get back out there. You never know what you’re going to get.
  
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  1. Drea
    
    February 4, 2014 at 9:31 am
    
    I’ve learned the difference between real spider calls and the fake ones thanks to Bubble Guppies. When it’s a fake spider, they simply say “spider”. When it’s a real spider, they don’t cry, they simply marvel and say “Look, mommy! An aracnid!” *facepalm* My girls.
    
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  2. John Pseudonymous
    
    February 4, 2014 at 9:33 am
    
    Nice! Well, at least they know the proper term for it. Well done, Bubble Guppies.
    
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newsanchortohomemaker

February 4, 2014 at 11:05 am

Mine is only 10 months old, but I have to put her on the bathroom floor and she manages to go through the toilet paper, open cabinets and once she almost made it into the tub. Love this post!

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  February 6, 2014 at 5:36 am
  
  Wait’ll you start potty training. My daughter believes the only acceptable amount of toilet paper to use is a piece twice her height. She then proceeds to use just the corner to wipe. So yeah, we love our Costco mega-packs.
  
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Theresa

February 4, 2014 at 7:04 pm

Right now mine only scoot to the cords on the wall, but man I am afraid….

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  February 6, 2014 at 5:34 am
  
  Oh yes, winter is coming…
  
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srj355

February 4, 2014 at 8:03 pm

Oh I wish I could freeze time. My baby is an over achiever. Walking 7 months, full on climbing at 7.5 months and already stealing toys at 9 months. Fistfights are goig to be here soon

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  February 6, 2014 at 5:38 am
  
  Enjoy the fistfight-free life while it lasts. It started pretty early with mine. As soon as they were old enough to scoot next to each other and claw for each other’s toys, it started.
  
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dads Adventures

February 4, 2014 at 8:46 pm

seems like everything goes to hell when try to go to the bathroom. I totally get it

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  February 6, 2014 at 5:39 am
  
  Right? It’s like, “30 seconds, guys. You couldn’t just chill for 30 seconds?”
  
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afourytale

February 4, 2014 at 11:44 pm

Love this! I have twin boys and this list is very similar to mine. I have found them on the kitchen table. Climbing the shelves in the pantry, smearing syrup on the floor, spilling whole boxes of cereal, and most definitely they can tear any room apart – toys, books, clothes, shoes, you name it in 30 seconds.

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  February 6, 2014 at 5:41 am
  
  Sometimes I honestly feel like they do it to spite me. They KNOW I just cleaned up. They SAW me…
  
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  1. afourytale
    
    February 9, 2014 at 8:27 am
    
    Yes, I completely agree. They have their own language and I know they team up and call a play just because they can.
    
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rachit690

February 6, 2014 at 4:22 am

hahahahaha….I remember my childhood…..similar enough

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  February 6, 2014 at 5:42 am
  
  Thanks. Are you a twin, too? Older/younger siblings?
  
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  1. rachit690
    
    February 11, 2014 at 6:41 am
    
    Not a twin but i have a cousin (just like my twin)……just think of Dennis the Menace, and now think of two of them….
    
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  2. John Pseudonymous
    
    February 11, 2014 at 9:21 am
    
    I don’t have to imagine–I KNOW. :)
    
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  3. rachit690
    
    February 11, 2014 at 10:43 am
    
    May god give you the strength and well…..let’s just say courage to handle your two ninja turtles…CHEERS….
    
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  4. John Pseudonymous
    
    February 11, 2014 at 11:08 am
    
    Cowabunga.
    
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Muhala

February 6, 2014 at 6:06 am

Oh, I loved this! I just laughed and laughed. Here are some of the things my boys do in the 30 seconds it takes me to leave the room and pee:

-kiss full length mirror I just Windexed.
-fight over legos.
-fight over who destroyed whose lego structure
-lose a hotwheel car beneath the refrigerator
-crack a pane in their bedroom window because one wanted to see if the ball would bounce off the window.
-find Daddy’s pocket knife and pull it apart to see how it works.

My quest is to raise these boys into adulthood and not do them too much bodily harm, ha!

My favorite color is green. :-)

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  February 10, 2014 at 8:52 am
  
  Thanks so much! I love the pocket knife–that has to be fun. Sounds like you need a better hiding spot for that one. :)
  
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Traditional Dad

February 6, 2014 at 10:11 pm

I get worried when things get quiet. When my twins were still small the boy decided to cut the girl’s hair. The girl was a willing participant as they hid behind a door (the boy was always the mastermind). Quiet is calm before the storm.

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  February 10, 2014 at 8:46 am
  
  Absolutely. If they’re quiet, they’re either asleep or up to shenanigans. Always.
  
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Kathryn

February 7, 2014 at 6:23 am

Absolute belly laugh at number 12!!! I have two boys 8 and 5… I can very well relate to this list. I’ll add mine:
Lose the hamster behind the immovable cabinets in the living room.

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  February 10, 2014 at 8:45 am
  
  Oooh, that’s a good one. We had hamsters in my house when I was a kid (my two sisters had one each). I remember the inevitable hamster search party that would happen every few weeks. I’m sure in a few years I’ll feel your pain, as I have a feeling we have rodents on our horizon as well.
  
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mybrainblinks

February 8, 2014 at 8:16 am

Two of them probably have 12 times the range of chaos, but my little guy likes to delete apps and videos from phones, pull out all his sports equipment, and place booby traps all around the apartment in that 30 seconds.

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  February 10, 2014 at 8:41 am
  
  Oh yeah, mine definitely love to delete phone apps, or re-arrange them. What’s really fun is when they don’t know how to get out of the move/delete apps mode and get frustrated and throw the phone across the room. That’s a freaking blast.
  
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  1. mybrainblinks
    
    February 10, 2014 at 6:25 pm
    
    Hahaha!!!
    
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30 Seconds of Vulnerability–What a child can do

February 9, 2014 at 10:34 am

[…] What My Kids Do During the 30 Seconds It Takes Me to Leave the Room and Pee: A Non-Exhaustive List […]

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Angie Pantazi

February 11, 2014 at 3:20 am

Reblogged this on Crashing through the pelvic floor and commented:
I think we can all relate to this! I remember having to time going to the toilet to coincide with the time it took my baby to crawl to the bathroom to find me! And leaving the room for one second, only to return to find my little boy balancing precariously on the top of the couch, almost falling into the glass window behind him. Ah, the joys!

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larsrzj

February 21, 2014 at 1:24 am

Reblogged this on Aktiv i bobil.

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louisgift2014

March 1, 2014 at 3:55 pm

I absolutely loved reading this, I even laughed out loud! What a fantastic blog, I’ve only just started ‘blogging’ but if I get anything like yours I’ll be happy. Enjoy your twins. x

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  March 25, 2014 at 3:46 pm
  
  Thanks so much, and welcome to the blogosphere. An inside tip: It’s actually more of a box shape.
  
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jessipaul06

March 8, 2014 at 11:21 am

This totally has me rolling because this is my life too with my 3 year old twins plus my 4 year old daughter. 30 seconds equals a twin tornado here…9 times out of 10 its my oldest telling my son or daughter to hit their sibling and then they do so and the crying starts. At this point I go pee and stay in there for longer than 30 seconds in hopes that they figure it all out on their own! :)

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  March 25, 2014 at 3:33 pm
  
  Yeah, there’s always that feeling of “maybe they’ll work it out themselves.” It doesn’t usually happen but the hope is still there. :)
  
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margaretmathews

August 3, 2014 at 3:32 pm

my bro and i had one year difference and we did that all the time to our parents.we wrestled like two bulls in dirt over the remote,etcetera.hahaha.We are best of friends now and i m 21 nearly though we still tease each other…There is hope!:)

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Jennifer Writings of a Mrs

September 3, 2014 at 5:18 pm

I wish my kids would get into trouble when I was in the bathroom….that would mean that they weren’t all following me into the bathroom chattering non-stop …..and I have 8 kids…..you can imagine the train going up the stairs right? And yes, I do have a large bathroom lol
Best of luck with the twins!
Fantastic Blog!
Cheers
I have a personal blog and a Mommy blog, a girl needs SOME privacy, right? lol

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  October 10, 2014 at 1:41 pm
  
  Holy crap! 8 kids? And they all follow you into the bathroom? I’m sorry I even brought up any of this stuff. You almost have a football team getting into shenanigans while you relieve yourself. Kudos!
  
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kdesane

October 8, 2015 at 5:19 am

I have twins also, so relateable! They are 15 now (boys) and I still have to break up the occassional fistfight but they are best buds too :)

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