Twinfamy

the epic blog of a father of twins

Reasons Pocahontas Needs to Stop Judging Me: A Non-Exhaustive List

June 14, 2012

Disney's Pocahontas — Don’t give me that look.

1. Okay, no, I’ve never heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon, but it’s not my fault that the wolves in my vicinity are typically happy and well-adjusted.

2. Sure, I’ve never asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned, but I don’t really see the point in that, as I don’t speak Bobcantonese and feel I’d just create an awkward situation for said bobcat, thus ruining the very smile about which I am inquiring.

3. No, I can’t sing with all the voices of the mountains, but come on, it’s not for lack of trying. Singing with Everest’s is my Everest.

4. While I can’t paint with all the colors of the wind, I can Photoshop with them, which is a way more marketable skill nowadays. Can you do that? No, you can’t, Pocahontas.

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If not, let’s hear YOU sing with all the voices of the mountains.

Yeah, not as easy as it looks, is it?

Categories: Family, Humor, Parenting, SAHD, Stay At Home Dad

Tags: Adobe Photoshop, all the voices of the mountains, blue corn moon, Bobcantonese, bobcat, Colors of the Wind, Disney, Mount Everest, Photoshop, Pocahontas, wolf

19 responses to “Reasons Pocahontas Needs to Stop Judging Me: A Non-Exhaustive List”

EduDad

June 14, 2012 at 7:19 am

Looks like Pocahontas just got served.

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  June 14, 2012 at 7:23 am
  
  Sure did. Take that, you dead, fictionalized historical figure.
  
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Diaper Dads

June 14, 2012 at 9:00 am

Last time I tried to talk to a bobcat all it was interested in was trying to tear my face of in little strips. Pretty sure I don’t want to know why it’s grinning.

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  June 14, 2012 at 9:12 am
  
  An excellent point. Perhaps the bobcat grins when presented with a potential meal. Makes me wonder if when Pocahontas asks, it lies to her while waiting for an opportunity to attack.
  
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Daddy’s in Charge?

June 14, 2012 at 10:02 am

I like her canoe. Did she make it herself?

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  June 14, 2012 at 9:35 pm
  
  Very possible. Maybe she’d like to brag about that, too.
  
  Maybe she’ll paint it with all the colors of the wind and tell me I’m inadequate.
  
  The blue-corn-mooned sky’s the limit.
  
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Fadderly (@thefadderly)

June 14, 2012 at 12:11 pm

thankfully for me, my girls weren’t too much in pocahontas. they were more into Alice in Wonderland. i’m pretty sure I can still rattle off most of those songs without missing a beat.

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  June 14, 2012 at 9:34 pm
  
  Yeah, them Disney songs really wedge themselves into your psyche, don’t they?
  
  Alice in Wonderland is one of my wife’s favorites, so your girls have excellent taste.
  
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lovethebadguy

June 14, 2012 at 3:41 pm

This was brilliant! I also loved the faded “You may also enjoy” text, which I almost forgot to read.

So you certainly showed her! Silly spiritually-aware woman, wither her depressed wolves and singing mountains…

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  June 14, 2012 at 9:32 pm
  
  Thanks! I wonder sometimes if anyone’s even paying attention to the faded gray text at the bottom. Sometimes I think it’s just for me. Which is okay, because it entertains me quite a bit.
  
  But yes, I’m hoping now she’ll think twice before throwing her judgy judgment looks at me while I’m just trying to enjoy an animated film with my children.
  
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whatimeant2say

June 15, 2012 at 7:03 am

I could sing with the voices of the mountains, too, if I had nothing better to do than ride around in a canoe all day.

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  June 15, 2012 at 7:12 am
  
  An excellent point. Let’s see her do all that stuff with the weight of responsibility on her shoulders–throw in a few kids, a day job, some bills, and way too many DVR-ed tv shows to keep up with. She has no idea what we go through just to have enough energy to sing with one voice of the mountains by the end of the day, after walking barefoot in the snow uphill to wireless Internet connections.
  
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  1. whatimeant2say
    
    June 15, 2012 at 7:13 am
    
    Exactly!
    
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nerdpapa

June 15, 2012 at 8:06 am

i believe all these accusatory statements originally stem from the low self esteem she reveals in the first line of the song. “you think i’m an ignorant savage”, someone needs to reach out to that girl.

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  June 15, 2012 at 9:15 am
  
  Could be, man. But with that attitude, she’s not making it easy. If she’s not careful, she’ll be painting with all the colors of the walls she’s putting up.
  
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Dad Who Writes (Gabriel)

June 15, 2012 at 9:04 am

And I bet you’ve never died of flu either.

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  June 15, 2012 at 9:11 am
  
  Oh, great. Thanks. Rub that in, too.
  
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Barmy Rootstock

June 15, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Comparing your two pictures, her cheekbones kick ass over your featureless round head, too. And to Disney’s credit, for once a character’s breasts are within the range of actual human dimensions. Yours?

But to your credit, you’ve had to watch Pocahontas way more than any human should have to and survived to blog about it. So really, she’s in no place to judge.

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1. John Pseudonymous
  
  June 18, 2012 at 8:39 am
  
  Oh, I won’t deny she’s got me beat in the attractiveness department. In fact, it conveniently gives her just one more reason to look down on me.
  
  I will admit I haven’t seen the entire movie many times, but the song is on a Disney Sing-Along Songs DVD the Twins particularly enjoy, so I’ve done my time in that respect.
  
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