This is a picture of my son doing an impression of a zombie, but it might as well be a picture of me as of late.
If you’re anything like I imagine you to be, you’re checking in here at least twice a day to make sure your eyes aren’t deceiving you, and possibly even calling your Internet provider claiming that your strand of the World Wide Web must be tangled in a knot, resulting in the loss of almost a month’s worth of Twincidents.
“Surely John hasn’t stopped writing!” you lament, blotting tears of frustration off your trackpad. “Surely it is the Internet’s fault! I knew I should never have trusted Charlie. That kid bit his own brother’s finger without batting an eye. And it really hurt!”
No, Charlie has not bitten off my fingers, thus crippling me as a typist. And no, a LOLcat has not taken off running with my laptop, enthusiastically meowing “I can has computer?” And I certainly have not been busily studying the craft of how to write in a more Gangnam Style.
No, you must free your mind from these highly possible scenarios, O Loyal Reader. The truth is that lately, I just haven’t had a free frickin’ moment to sit down and spew genius into this fine publication. The reasons will probably not surprise you, since many of you have already told me you don’t know how I’m able to write at all while spending half of my week wrangling twin toddlers and the other half getting my PhD on. Factor in being a trophy husband and maintaining a shadow of a social life, and there’s not a whole lot of time left for pseudo-clever wordplay and bow-wearing stick figures.
Tags: academia, blanket fort, blogging, Charlie bit my finger, family, father of twins, Gangnam Style, I can has cheezburger?, internet, LOLcat, new parent, O Loyal Reader, Ph. D., PSY, SAHD, stay at home dad, staying up late, Thing 1/Thing 2, tv, Twincidents, Twinfamy, Twinfamy: The Action Figures, Twinfamy: The Book, Twinfamy: The Movie, Twinfamy: The Pez Dispensers, Twinfamy: The Series, twins, wife, World Wide Web, writing
Unbeknownst to us, our daughter seems to have started a new activist group–Daughters Against Mothers Drinking (DAMD).
Her reasons for this are a mystery to us, as my wife does not even remotely have a drinking problem. She does enjoy an alcoholic beverage from time to time, but so do a majority of adults over 21. In fact, since the pregnancy (when she didn’t drink and I did my best not to make her jealous), breastfeeding, and the unending sleep deprivation of having twin babies (which does not AT ALL jive with a hangover), both of us have become lightweights who feel superfine after two.
However, when my wife does decide she would fancy a drink, she is most certainly entitled, as she is our household’s primary breadwinner at an oftentimes intense job that spreads her thinly and leaves her toasted by the end of the day.
It was with this fervor that she asked for a glass of wine while at Nani and Abuelito’s (my wife’s mother and stepfather’s) house for dinner last night, and I was happy to oblige, pouring her the finest chardonnay Nani’s entire counter had to offer.
Tags: Abuelito (wife's stepfather), alcohol, all the King's Horses and all the King's Men, baseball, beverage, beverage bitch-slap, breadwinner, breastfeeding, carnival game, carpet, chardonnay, crying, daughter, Daughters Against Mothers Drinking (DAMD), dog, drinking, family, father of twins, furrowed brow, Halloween, hangover, Humpty Dumpty, Jack-O-Lantern, laughing, Lego, Mother Goose, nemesis, new parent, Opa!, pregnancy, pumpkin smasher/smashee, pumpkin smashing, SAHD, Shout (stain remover), sleep, sleep deprivation, Smashing Pumpkins, spill, stain, stay at home dad, staying up late, steam-clean, stink eye, toy, Twincidents, twins, wife, wife's mom (Nani), wine, wine glass
If one cries it out,
the other wakes and joins in.
And the plot thickens.
. . .
I’m thrilled this method has worked for your only child, but when I say I’ve been up half the night, I’ll thank you to remember these simple, catchy 17 syllables instead of being one of the dozens asking if I’ve tried it.
Tags: Baby Wise, CIO, cry it out, Cry It Out Method, crying, dozens, Dr. Richard Ferber, FAIL, family, father of twins, Ferber Method, haiku, Maxell, Maxell Blown Away Guy, new parent, only child, poem, SAHD, sleep, sleep deprivation, sleep training, stay at home dad, staying up late, syllables, Twincidents, twins
Remember the unbridled childhood excitement of Christmas Morning? The insomnia-inducing obsession with the sheer possibilities of the bounty Santa Claus would surely leave under the tree? Staring at the ceiling at 4:00 am, debating asking your parents if you can just cut the nonsense and get this party started right now?
As we grow older, however, there seems to be less and less magic each year, which ironically provides less and less of a window for acceptance to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Is it lame that at 29 years old, I’m still waiting for that owl?
But I’m thrilled to say that after believing it was gone forever, I’m suddenly feeling that familiar old Christmas Morning anticipation once again because starting today, my wife and I will be orchestrating that magic for the Twins, as we prepare to give them their First Christmas Ever.
At 11 months, they’re not by any means at an age where they can fully comprehend all that’s happening, but we’re in no hurry for them to grow up any quicker than they already have, and we see this year as a prelude–a taste of many happy memories to come.
And now, on The Night Before Christmas, as I look all through the house (with my dog, the only stirring creature, pawing at my shin for attention now that the Twins are down for a long winter’s nap) I see decorations that will become ingrained in the Twins’ subconscious as Christmas-defining relics, just as my parents magically transformed $4.99 pharmacy purchases into The Singing Christmas Bear I Played With Every Year While We Decorated the Tree, The Christmas Carol Book with Which I Led the Whole Family in Rousing Sing-Alongs, and The Nativity Scene with Which I Fabricated Alternate Biblical Storylines Involving He-Man Saving Baby Jesus from Cobra Commander with the Help of the Three Wise Musketeers, the Ninja Donkey and the Jedi Cow.
Tags: "They grow up so fast.", 11 months old, A Christmas Story, action figure, alternate biblical storylines, Baby Jesus, breakfast, child development, childhood, chimney, Christmas, Christmas carol, Christmas Morning, Christmas Tree, Cobra Commander, cookie, cow, decoration, dog, donkey, double-sided tape, family, father of twins, figgy pudding, first Christmas, G. I. Joe, Happy New Year, Harry Potter, He-Man, hoarse, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, insomnia, Jedi, Jedi Cow, Jesus Christ, magic, Masters of the Universe, Merry Christmas, my dad, my mom, my parents, nap, Nativity Scene, new parent, ninja, Ninja Donkey, O Loyal Reader, obsession, ornament, relic, SAHD, Santa Claus, sing-along, sleep, Star Wars, stay at home dad, staying up late, stocking, subconscious, teddy bear, The Christmas Carol Book With Which I Led the Whole Family in Rousing Sing-Alongs, The Nativity Scene With Which I Fabricated Alternate Biblical Storylines Involving He-Man Saving Baby Jesus From Cobra Commander With the Help of the Three Wise Musketeers, The Night Before Christmas, the Ninja Donkey and the Jedi Cow., The Singing Christmas Bear That I Played With Every Year While We Decorated the Tree, Three Musketeers, Three Wise Musketeers, Three Wisemen, tiny wandering hands, Twincidents, twins, We Wish You a Merry Christmas, wife, World's Sweetest Dump Truck
I make a concerted effort to deliver the finest of content to you, O Loyal Reader, at least once a week, as I know most (if not all) of you hang on my every word. If I say so myself, I’ve been fairly successful at writing regularly, even in the face of crippling adversity. I have slept on floors, chugged boiling-hot energy drinks, dodged spit bubbles and Diaper Bullets, narrowly escaped a suburban coyote attack, balanced my ridiculously ambitious schedule, and still have been able to chronicle my escapades on this fine publication.
With that in mind, I’m delighted to share highly classified information with you about some shocking scientific research the U. S. Government has commissioned me to conduct. In the beginning, I was told “Mum” was the word (which was confusing, because I had previously been told that “Grease” is the word), but I fought hard for you all and got a Blanket Security Clearance.
I am in the process of writing up the findings for submission to whichever highly reputable academic journal wins the bidding war, but have summarized the data for you in the following chart:
Tags: 5 Hour Energy, academic journal, bidding war, cell phone, chart, chug, classified information, closet, coyote, crippling adversity, crying, diaper, Diaper Bullet, dropping knowledge, family, father of twins, findings, Grease, Grease is the word, hanging on one's every word, insomnia, mean, mum, mum is the word, new parent, O Loyal Reader, Ph. D., SAHD, saliva bubbles, sanity vs. insanity, schedule, scientific research, security clearance, shirt, sleep, sleep deprivation, sleeping through the night, son, sooth, standard deviation, statistics, stay at home dad, staying up late, teeth, teething, Test Subject, this fine publication, Twincidents, Twinfamy, Twinfants, Twinfographic, twins, U. S. Government, vomiting bug, Weird Science, writing, zombie