Posted by John Pseudonymous
There’s no gentle way to say this–I can smell the difference between my son and daughter’s fecal matter.
I could describe their distinct aromas for you in gag-reflex-inducing detail, but have chosen not to in case you are currently eating, or plan to ever again. (After all, you should never bite the hand that reads you.)
Not sure how many of you know this, but I am a world class dishwasher. This is not due to any concerted effort on my part–I’ve just wound up logging my 10,000 hours since the Twins’ birth, conquering mountains of soiled bottles, Sippy Cups, and high-chair trays on a tri-daily basis.
Thus, on the morning of the Twincident in question, I had stealthily ducked into the kitchen to knock out the breakfast dishes. Despite both having nasty colds and ear infections, the Twins were in excellent spirits having just been fed, and babbled baby limericks at each other while surveying the playroom toyscape. Since the Twins made their outside-of-Mommy debut, we rarely have more than two minutes to eat human-style at a proper table anyway, so we chose to convert our house’s “dining room” to a playroom, which has worked swimmingly at moments like this, when I can watch them in the next room while still actively pursuing 20,000 hours.
Having successfully sanitized the load’s umpteenth and umptieth items, I Deion-Sanders-High-Stepped from the sink to the playroom threshold.
And that’s when it hit me.
The Wall of Stank.
Tags: "I'm getting too old for this sh!t.", 10000 hours, 30 minutes or less, 911, alligator wrestling, artist's rendering, Ass Sniff, baker's dozen, beeline, biological terrorist, bite the hand that feeds, booger, bottle, bottles, Clear and Present Danger, cold, crying, daughter, Deion Sanders, Deion Sanders high-step, diaper, diaper changing, DiaperFest 2012, dishwashing, Disney, ear infection, electrolyte/electrodark, Ewok, FAIL, family, father of twins, fecal gotee, fecal humor, fecal matter(s), financial crisis, gag reflex, George Lucas, gotee, high chair, Jack-O-Lantern, junk in one's trunk, kitchen, laughing, Lethal Weapon, limerick, Malcolm Gladwell, mucus, new parent, ninja, offspring, Outliers, Pedialyte, performance art, playroom, plaything, Pluto (dog), Pluto (planet), poodunnit, poop, post-DiaperFest world, pundit, recession, Roger Murtaugh, Running Man, runny nose, SAHD, sh!t warrior, sick, Sippy Cup, smell, snot, son, Star Wars, stay at home dad, streaker, The Wall of Stank, touchdown dance, toy, toyscape, tray, Twincidents, twins, umpteenth, umptieth, walk, walking, whodunnit, wine, wipe, world class
Posted by John Pseudonymous
As my wife so eloquently put it:
We have enough boogers in this house to fill a pool.
The Black Plague entered our home two weeks ago as a deceivingly slight discomfort in my wife’s throat the day before the Twins’ First Birthday Party EVER Extravaganza, and while this pivotal moment in American History was an overwhelming success, she was sadly not able to enjoy the festivities to her fullest capacity, as Mount Saint Mucus erupted mid-”Happy Birthday to You.”
Yes, that’s right. The Twins are now one year old. I intended to announce this with much more electronic fanfare and Michael-Bay-esque explosions, chronicling the event more extensively than the Royal Wedding for you, O Loyal Reader (as I am certain the mere mention of it now has you trembling in anticipation) but the Plague had other plans. My head is buried in the haze of infection, so a coherent reflection on the first year of fatherhood will have to wait.
Tags: "Happy Birthday to You", 12 months old, 28 Days Later, American History, art installation, bacteria, badass, birthday, Black Plague, booger, booger/boogest, CIO, cold, cry it out, Cry It Out Method, crying, dead walker, dishwashing, electronic fanfare, explosions, family, fanfare, father of twins, fatherhood, garbage can, germ, hamburger, haze, infection, jealous, Jr., Keurig, Kleenex, Kleenex-wad sculpture, magic, Martin Luther King, Michael Bay, Michael-Bay-esque explosions, microbe, MLK, Mount Saint Helens, Mount Saint Mucus, mucus, new parent, O Loyal Reader, paper plate, pink tissue-abrasion mustaches, pool, projectile, quarantine, rain, Royal Wedding, SAHD, say "uncle", sculpture, Sea World, shopping cart, sinus, sleep, sleep deprivation, sneezing, snot, snot rocket, sorcerer, splash, stay at home dad, Target, throat, tissue, transformation from human to newt, turn signal, Twincidents, twins, Twins' First Birthday Party EVER Extravaganza, vacant stare, virus, voice crack, Walking Dead, wife, wizard, zombie