We don’t need no defecation.
“Okay,” my wife proclaimed, performing a one-woman evacuation of my son’s bedroom. “I’m not going to freak out, but there’s poop on the wall.”
I was proud of her–assuming, of course, that there was, in fact, poop on the wall–because she is our marriage’s sanitation enthusiast. In The Land Before Twinfants, our dwelling was cleaned regularly and often due to her impeccable attention to decontaminatory detail, a gene I never inherited. As a former fraternity house resident, I tend not to recognize that a household item or surface requires cleaning until I trip over a dust bunny attempting to hand me a rent check, as he has recently decided that if he’s going to stick around this long, it is only fair for him to kick in some money.
Rarely is one presented with such a stellar conversation starter as “There is poop on the wall.” I was riveted–I had so many questions. But first, I needed to make sure I heard her correctly, and so, with eyes alight in anticipation, I inquired, “There’s poop on the wall?”
“Yes. There is poop. On the wall.” Okay, so this was no joke. There was. In fact. Poop. On the wall. But where?
“In there?”
“Yes. In there.”
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Posted in Family, Humor, Hyperreality, Parenting, Quotes, SAHD, Stay At Home Dad, Twins
Tags: Adrian Monk, alligator wrestling, Another Brick in the Wall, baby wipe, baseboard, bedroom, blacklight, blood spatter, bosom, citizen, cleaning, conversation starter, Costco, crime, crime lab, crime scene investigation, diaper, diaper changing, diaper changing station, diaper changing table, Diaper Genie, dog, dog jealousy, dust bunny, duty (hahaha you said "duty"), evacuation, eyewitness, FAIL, family, father of twins, fear not, fecal matter(s), forensics kit, foul play, fraternity, fraternity house, Freddie Mercury, gene, get the lead out, Huggies, hypothetical, Jackson Pollock, jealousy, kick, Law & Order, leg flail, marriage, Monk, new parent, ninja, number two pencil, on the case, Pink Floyd, Pink Floyd's "The Wall", poop, Poop Ninja, poop on the wall, Queen, rent check, Resident Poop Splatter Expert, SAHD, sanitation, septic persuasion, stay at home dad, stink-bomb, superhero, superheroism, The Land Before Time, The Land Before Twinfants, Tony Shalhoub, trajectory, Twincidents, Twinfants, twins, wall, Waste Management Crime Lab, We Are the Champions, We don't need no education, whip hair back and forth, Whip My Hair, wife, Willow Smith
