If there’s one thing I learned while growing up, it’s that–in the words of the great philosopher Hoots the Owl—”You gotta put down the Duckie if you wanna play the saxophone.“
I’ve since devised lifehacks allowing me to defy this nocturnal avian jazz musician’s First Law of Multi-Tasking, deftly blowing the perpetual 12-bar solo that is being a husband, dad, and student while still keeping a firm grip on the duckie that is this fine publication. However, during the month of July, the song’s tempo sped to a breakneck punk rock moshpit pace, and as I attempted to keep up with the chord changes, the poor little duckie came flying out of my hand.
Since I know you hang on my every Twincident, O Loyal Reader, I’m sure you noticed things have been considerably quiet ’round these parts. I’ve always told myself I’d never let writing about being a dad get in the way of actually being a dad, and the past few weeks found me in that very position. While writing is a deep passion of mine, I can’t let it jeopardize my sax life.
I had to huck the duck.
Tags: 12 Days of Christmas, 300 (Film), A Whole New World, Aladdin, Arizona, Bert and Ernie, California, Christmas, croup, daughter, Disney, Disney Magic, Disney's California Adventure, Disneyland, duck, duckie, Ernie, FAIL, family, father of twins, fever, Get Back, gospel choir, Hallelujah Chorus, Hoots the Owl, J. R. R. Tolkien, jazz, moshpit, music, my mom, nap, new parent, O Loyal Reader, Partridge in a Pear Tree, Ph. D., punk rock, Put Down the Duckie, SAHD, saxophone, Sesame Street, Sick Boys, snowball, Social Distortion, son, stay at home dad, stomach bug, summer, The Beatles, The Hangover, The Lord of the Rings, this fine publication, tree bark, Twinfamy, Twinfamyland, Twinfamyland: A California Adventure, twins, wolfpack
Are you really done with the stroller?
Because we’re six blocks from home. Are you really going to make me carry you six blocks?
You do realize there’s a reason we bring the stroller, right? See those things down there? What shape are they?
That’s right–they’re circles. See, the circles are wheels, and they make it so Daddy doesn’t have to carry you and your brother while we walk around the neighborhood because if Daddy had to do that, Daddy would probably throw out his back.
In fact, Daddy’s feeling his back right now. Do you see what Daddy’s carrying you with?
That’s right! That’s an arm. Good job, Baby Girl! How many arms is Daddy using to carry you? Let’s count them. Ready?
That’s right. Daddy’s only using one arm. Where is Daddy’s other arm? Do you see Daddy’s other arm? Where is Daddy’s other arm?
THERE’S Daddy’s other arm! Daddy’s other arm is pushing the stroller because your brother is still in the stroller. Do you see how good your brother is being? See that? He’s even drinking his juice.
‘atta boy, buddy.
Tags: Arizona, Baby Girl, baby laugh, back, baggie, Big Boy, blocks, brother, Buddy, buh-bye, carry, circle, coolnees, count it, crying, daughter, dog, double jogging stroller, FAIL, family, father of twins, garage door, garage door opener, garage door remote, garbage, gym, jogging stroller, juice, laughing, learn, learning, magic, Monday, monologue, morning walk, nap, naptime, neighborhood, new parent, overheard, Phoenix, poop, SAHD, sarcasm, shape, son, spasm, stay at home dad, stroller, suburbs, throw, throwing out one's back, Twincidents, twins, walk, wave, weightlifting, weightlifting belt, wheel, wife, yuckies
Remember the unbridled childhood excitement of Christmas Morning? The insomnia-inducing obsession with the sheer possibilities of the bounty Santa Claus would surely leave under the tree? Staring at the ceiling at 4:00 am, debating asking your parents if you can just cut the nonsense and get this party started right now?
As we grow older, however, there seems to be less and less magic each year, which ironically provides less and less of a window for acceptance to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Is it lame that at 29 years old, I’m still waiting for that owl?
But I’m thrilled to say that after believing it was gone forever, I’m suddenly feeling that familiar old Christmas Morning anticipation once again because starting today, my wife and I will be orchestrating that magic for the Twins, as we prepare to give them their First Christmas Ever.
At 11 months, they’re not by any means at an age where they can fully comprehend all that’s happening, but we’re in no hurry for them to grow up any quicker than they already have, and we see this year as a prelude–a taste of many happy memories to come.
And now, on The Night Before Christmas, as I look all through the house (with my dog, the only stirring creature, pawing at my shin for attention now that the Twins are down for a long winter’s nap) I see decorations that will become ingrained in the Twins’ subconscious as Christmas-defining relics, just as my parents magically transformed $4.99 pharmacy purchases into The Singing Christmas Bear I Played With Every Year While We Decorated the Tree, The Christmas Carol Book with Which I Led the Whole Family in Rousing Sing-Alongs, and The Nativity Scene with Which I Fabricated Alternate Biblical Storylines Involving He-Man Saving Baby Jesus from Cobra Commander with the Help of the Three Wise Musketeers, the Ninja Donkey and the Jedi Cow.
Tags: "They grow up so fast.", 11 months old, A Christmas Story, action figure, alternate biblical storylines, Baby Jesus, breakfast, child development, childhood, chimney, Christmas, Christmas carol, Christmas Morning, Christmas Tree, Cobra Commander, cookie, cow, decoration, dog, donkey, double-sided tape, family, father of twins, figgy pudding, first Christmas, G. I. Joe, Happy New Year, Harry Potter, He-Man, hoarse, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, insomnia, Jedi, Jedi Cow, Jesus Christ, magic, Masters of the Universe, Merry Christmas, my dad, my mom, my parents, nap, Nativity Scene, new parent, ninja, Ninja Donkey, O Loyal Reader, obsession, ornament, relic, SAHD, Santa Claus, sing-along, sleep, Star Wars, stay at home dad, staying up late, stocking, subconscious, teddy bear, The Christmas Carol Book With Which I Led the Whole Family in Rousing Sing-Alongs, The Nativity Scene With Which I Fabricated Alternate Biblical Storylines Involving He-Man Saving Baby Jesus From Cobra Commander With the Help of the Three Wise Musketeers, The Night Before Christmas, the Ninja Donkey and the Jedi Cow., The Singing Christmas Bear That I Played With Every Year While We Decorated the Tree, Three Musketeers, Three Wise Musketeers, Three Wisemen, tiny wandering hands, Twincidents, twins, We Wish You a Merry Christmas, wife, World's Sweetest Dump Truck
I was already mourning the morning walk.
Before we’d even traveled a block my dog had decided to lead the caravan, walking directly in front of the jogging stroller, her hindquarters mere inches from the front wheel. I don’t know why she insists upon this walking arrangement–maybe she likes to think she’s in charge–but(t) it never “ends” well for her, typically culminating in me literally running her ass over. It begins when she looks back at the stroller and decides she is terrified of it, so terrified that she freezes in place, causing the usually-taut leash to slack and wrap around the stroller’s back axle, putting us at a dead stop just after the tire bumps her square on the cheeks. I do my best to stop before the butt-bump, but she forces me to tailgate her at an unsafe following distance.
On this particular day, she had jumped to deer-in-headlights mode so abruptly and forcibly that it had pulled her harness clean off. (We attach the leash to her harness and not her collar because after years of scientific research, we have determined she would rather be choked to death than respond to leash tugs.) And because my dog just barely qualifies as obedient, I knew I had to act quickly on this leashless freedom unless I wanted to choose between:
1) chasing her around the neighborhood, loudly cussing her out while she thinks its a game, waking the Twins from their stroller catnaps and yielding a sterophonic meltdown; or
2) tritely employing the if-you-love-her-set-her-free-and-if-she-never-returns-she-was-never-yours axiom, which would most likely mean never seeing my beloved canine again, as she would surely make a grand exit from this life in Harry Houdini fashion while performing her famous freezing-in-front-of-an-oncoming vehicle trick.
It was in that moment that I remembered I am a ninja, as my keen, subconscious reflexes sprang into action, one-handedly snagging her by the tail, keeping the other hand firmly planted on the stroller.
She turned her head towards me, dumbly panting with glee, as if to say. “That was fun, Dad!”
Tags: 8 months old, Are they identical?, Arizona, Atreyu, basic anatomy, battle plan, Beatlemania, block, butt, caffeine, car, caravan, catnap, cell phone, chase, choke, clenched fists, collar, commuters, coyote, Coyote Fugly, crib, cross-streets, crying, cuss, daughter, deer in headlights, dog, easy target, Falkor, family, father of twins, Ford Taurus, fugly, fun fact, garbage, gender, genius, grand exit, harness, Harry Houdini, herd, hindquarters, homework, household dependents, I fart in your general direction., I will destroy you. Verbally., idiot, if you love it set it free, jogging stroller, laughing, leash, Likert scale, loinfruit, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, morning walk, mourning, my dog's obedience, nap, naptime, neighborhood, new parent, ninja, O Loyal Reader, opposable thumbs, paved with gold, Ph. D., prospecting pick-axe, Pseudonymous Household, refuse, rumor, SAHD, scientific research, sidewalk, smooth sailing, snore, son, Spider-Man, stay at home dad, stereophonic meltdown, stereotype, street, stroller, study, suburbs, tailgate, tempting fate, The Beatles, Trash Day, traveling circus, Twin Groupies, Twincidents, Twinfamy, Twinfants, twins, two-gun salute, u-turn, unsafe following distance, walk, We are ninjas., wheel, your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man
It is said that the apparently innocuous act of a butterfly flapping its wings can cause an unseen chain reaction of events leading to a hurricane on the other side of the world, or even a mediocre Ashton Kutcher movie that forever taints everyone’s idea of an inherently cool Chaos Theory concept.
Many doubt the validity of the Butterfly Effect, but I have always seen it as a special Effect. If you think about it, there is at least some truth to it. Every choice, every action we take on a daily basis–we can’t even begin to fathom their impact on the courses of our lives. Often I wonder how different things would be if just one occurrence in my life were even slightly altered…
. . .
As always, it had been an eventful morning in the Twiniverse, as my son had decided he was just not that into napping, stubbornly insisting on playing instead, even though every gesture and interaction with his toys pissed him right off. Apparently he preferred the baby equivalent of cussing out his Sesame Street Singing Pop-Up Pals to giving in to the slumber he obviously required.
After 45 minutes of rocking, pacing, and possibly even a little begging on my part, I had finally gotten him to sleep, and as an added bonus, my daughter was especially cooperative (or exhausted–I’ll take either), drifting off right on schedule. Two naps. At the same time. As I’ve mentioned before, this Nap Overlap is a rare occurrence worthy of its own celebratory dance.
But meanwhile, unbeknownst to me or my napping progeny, a menace had descended upon our cul-de-sac, one that would severely alter the next hour of my life…forever.
. . .
People get in and out of automobiles every day, and thus, the closing of vehicle doors has become a routine act for drivers and passengers alike, one performed without even thinking about it. However, people execute this task with varying degrees of force. This, O Loyal Reader, is the hard-hitting issue that I want to soften today, and the reason I’ve gathered you all here.
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, it will still probably wake up my son and daughter. So if a car door slams loudly in my neck of the woods, I will consider slamming the neck of your body with said fallen tree.
Now, when I say “slam” I truly mean a slam. I realize that to properly close a vehicular entrance point, one must apply oomph, yielding that satisfying latch clack alerting the user of a successful close, and by no means am I complaining about a normal, human-style close. Such sound effects from fellow neighborhood dwellers are perfectly acceptable. The Twins’ rooms are equipped with white-noise Sound Machines (which I suspect to be from Miami), and their continuous, atmospheric whooshing does a stellar job at dampening the intensity of incoming sound waves such as sane-person door closing.
I don’t even mind my dog’s proficiency at notifying me that an area automobile has been shut (just in case I missed it) because I have become adept at silencing her so she does not wake the Dynamic Duo from their static state.
However, nothing could have prepared me for The Car Door Slam Heard ‘Round the Neighborhood.
. . .
Our house is situated in such a way that our living room is in the middle of the house, three rooms away from the wall facing the street. Yet, somehow, someone (or something) was able to uber-slam his/hers/its vehicle so loudly that it sounded like the Kool-Aid Man was trying to “Oh yeah” his fat glass ass through my wall, but had severely underestimated its density.
I literally jumped on impact, inspecting each room just to make sure I wasn’t crazy and nothing had fallen, rushing back into the living room every three seconds to shush my barking canine. But just as I realized this was, in fact, some psycho grizzly bear/man hybrid taking a sprinting start and throwing a double-pawed flying-kick at some poor, innocent vehicle, my exhausted son woke up in a livid inferno of streaming tears and tiny, kicking feet.
In a flash of faux-genius, I irrationally considered setting my son safely back in his crib, grabbing one of my ninja swords, and avenging his ravaged sleep pattern, but realized that whoever or whatever had created this disturbance was probably of superhuman persuasion (Vampire? X-Man? Decepticon?) and not worth messing with. After all, I’m a father now.
Picking up my son, I eased into the rocking chair and coaxed him back to sleep. For another 45 minutes.
. . .
So, as you can see, the closing of a car door is sometimes not just the closing of a car door. Every once in a while, when a grizzly bear/man hybrid pummels a Ford Galaxie with a shovel, it can cause a human monsoon devastating entire hours of a parent’s life–hours that a stay-at-home dad/Ph. D. student hybrid could have been spent figuring out that damned statistics problem he has been attempting for days, or burning one’s mouth on the scalding interior of a Hot Pocket while capitalizing on the first free moment to eat lunch, or even writing for a fine publication very much akin to the one you are reading.
My point, O Loyal Reader, is this: You can never truly know the implications of your seemingly small, insignificant actions. So next time you are entering or leaving a vehicle, please be aware of surrounding residences that could contain stay-at-home parents who are less sane than myself, and who very well could retaliate in straitjacket-inspiring fashion.
Unless, of course, you are prepared to be Rocked Like a Hurricane.
You may also enjoy:
If not, that’s fine. Just go easy on that car door on your way out.
Tags: (Miami) Sound Machine, artist's rendering, Ashton Kutcher, baby cussing, baby rage, barking, Batman, bear, butterfly, Butterfly Effect, C is for Cookie, car, car door, car door slam, chain reaction, Chaos Theory, choice, computer-generated, Cookie Monster, crib, crying, cul-de-sac, daughter, Decepticon, density underestimation, dog, double-pawed flying-kick, Dynamic Duo, FAIL, fallen tree, family, father of twins, faux-genius, Ford Galaxie, genius, grizzly bear, grizzly bear/man hybrid, hard-hitting issue, his/her/its, homework, Hot Pocket, hurricane, If a tree falls in a forest..., inferno, irrationality, kick, Kool Aid Man (Oh Yeah!), living room, lunch, mediocre cinema, menace, monsoon, nap, Nap Overlap, napping, neighborhood, new parent, ninja, ninja sword, O Loyal Reader, oomph, our house, Ph. D., PSA (Public Service Announcement), revenge, Robin, rocking chair, SAHD, sanity vs. insanity, Scorpions - Rock You Like a Hurricane, Sesame Street, Sesame Street Singing Pop-Up Pals, shovel, slam, sleep, someone/something, son, sound effects, statistics, stay at home dad, stay-at-home dad/Ph. D. student hybrid, straitjacket, street noise, tears, The "Holy Crap a Nap Overlap" Shuffle, The Car Door Slam Heard 'Round the Neighborhood, The Shot Heard 'Round the World, this fine publication, toy, Transformers, Twincidents, Twinfamy, Twinfants, Twiniverse, twins, uber-slam, Uncanny X-Men, vampire, vehicle, wall entry, white noise, X-Man