My wife’s employer graciously allows her to work from home one day a week so she’s able to spend more time with the Twins, and although she’s asking them not to slam on her laptop’s keyboard for a good portion of the day, it’s better than not seeing them for most of the day. However, because she’s not home very often, we’ve noticed that when she is home, the Twins tend to be way more whiny than usual. Apparently, this is a thing with moms and kids–that kids act more needy around Mom than with Dad–as many of my wife’s friends with kids have reported the same phenomenon. I have to say, I feel fortunate to be the one they “man up” with instead of the one they cling to and whine at every five minutes.
This week, Mommy’s work-from-home day was especially challenging in the whining department, and once the kids were in bed for the night and we’d poured ourselves some wine, she offered a particularly eloquent reflection on the last 14 hours:
“I love being home with my kids. Except for when they drive me bananas.”
– My Wife
It still feels strange to say this, but the Twins have started school.
While I have no doubt in my mind that my little geniuses could already slaughter Doogie Howser at Jeopardy (it would be legen–wait for it–dary), this first foray into the academic world is not related to their obviously high cognitive abilities, but instead an opportunity to begin their formal education early. You see, while they were still chillaxing in their mother’s uterine jacuzzi, we got them on the lengthy waiting list for a fairly exclusive toddler class conveniently held on my college’s campus, and we’d watched them slowly climb their way to the top ever since.
Thus, as the new school year approached, the all-important question as to whether they would be granted access to the program hung in the air like the faint, gaseous remnants of a diaper blowout. Our hopes high, we gathered with the other families in our District who had children on the waiting list for a public announcement of the class’s new students. As the odd, eccentric university spokeswoman took the stage, the tension was so thick that it needed to cut carbohydrates from its diet.
But as luck would have it, our progeny were both selected, punctuated by thumbs-up-shaped balloons falling from the rafters and commemorative t-shirts emblazoned with bow-wearing stick figures being shot into the masses. The Twins had been chosen!
Tags: "They grow up so fast.", Barney Stinson, chillax, crying, cutting carbs, dissertation, Doogie Howser, Early Childhood, education, family, fantastically-executed plush animal voices, father of twins, Han Solo, How I Met Your Mother, Hunger Games, iPhone, Jeff Goldblum, Jeopardy, Neil Patrick Harris, new parent, Ph. D., Pre-Pre-School, pre-school, pregnancy, SAHD, school, sharing, Star Wars, stay at home dad, The Fly, The Reaping, toddler-parent class, Twincidents, twins, uterine jacuzzi, wife
My daughter spiked her half-eaten apple on the floor like a football, slid her Sippy Cup off the high-chair tray as if it were a shuffleboard, and with finality, proclaimed, “Duh!”
I don’t remember which loinfruit introduced it or when, but for anyone under the age of two in our household, this has become the customary Closing Ceremonies for a meal, for alerting one’s parents that the eater is “Done.”
Looking up from dinner’s dirty dishes in the sink, I watched my wife release my daughter from the clutches of her high chair, pick her up, and bravely walk our kitchen’s version of The Green Mile–past an old bookshelf we’ve converted into a snack shelf (Pantry 2: This Time It’s Personal, if you will). Although our children claim to be “duh” with their food, as soon as we de-high-chair them they often notice Pantry 2 items that were not on that meal’s menu–morsels they must receive promptly if the parent on duty wishes to avoid a brilliantly-executed tantrum.
While they’ve learned many words so far, there are still a sizable amount of items for which the Twins still use the caveman-style point-and-grunt method, and on this particular day, my daughter’s finger shot out instantly at her target. Unfortunately for my wife, she did not leave enough distance between my daughter’s ninja arm and the shelf, and before we knew it, our daughter had snatched the entire bag of miniature Sun-Maid Raisin boxes.
This snack is popular with the Twins not because they are particularly fond of raisins, but because they absolutely adore having their own little boxes to carry them in. We have scientific proof of this phenomenon, as whenever my mother offers the Twins unboxed raisins at her house, they look at her like she’s nuts, as if to say, “What is this sh!t? Where’s my f*cking box?”
“Ooooh! OohOohOooooooh!” my daughter enthused, waiting for my wife to open her a box.
Tags: "I'm so mad I could fart!", caveman, Closing Ceremonies, crying, daughter, dinner, dishwashing, Eric Cartman, family, fart, farting, father of twins, flatulence, gas, Godzilla, my mom, new parent, Olympics, pantry, Pantry 2: This Time It's Personal, Raisin, Respect my authoritah, Respect my authority, SAHD, Sippy Cup, snack, son, South Park, stay at home dad, Sun-Maid Raisins, tantrum, The Green Mile, Toddlerzilla, Twincidents, twins, wife
My daughter hooked her arm securely around mine as I held her at my hip–a cripplingly cute mannerism of hers that melts me to my core every single time.
Vocalizing airplane sound effects, I made an extravagant production of swooping my giggling passenger down to the floor to pick up each member of the Hundred Acre Wood institutionalized as her Bedtime Crew, currently featuring Piglet (her go-to daytime stuffty) as well as Winnie the Pooh and Tigger (the night-shift support staff who allow for optimal snugglization).
Her teeth brushed and hands washed, she knew we were coming up on bedtime and began her nightly wind-down ritual: gripping Piglet and Company, sticking her beloved right thumb in her mouth, and embracing day’s end with open arms and heavy eyelids.
Our son, however–currently in his mother’s arms–was performing his own nightly routine: maniacal arm-flails punctuated by Oscar-worthy whines. Never ready to pack it in, he’ll dash for the playroom or point at the turned-off tv in a last-ditch effort to stay up just a little longer, to milk as much out of the day as possible. There are still so many blocks to stack, so many books to read, so many Sing-Along Songs to groove to.
And while his unrelenting desire to be awake can be burdensome, I don’t ever fault him for it.
He gets it from me.
Tags: "Leave everything on the field", "muh", "Ni-night", "They grow up so fast.", 100th post, 500-Disc DVD Special Edition Bonus Feature, a chip off the old block, A. A. Milne, academia, annotated bibliography, bedtime, beer, book, crotch shot, crying, date night, daughter, diaper, dishwashing, Disney, Disney Sing-Along Songs, family, father of twins, How I Met Your Mother, Hundred Acre Wood, laundry, legen--wait for it--dary, legendary, Lego, life, Magna Doodle, milestone, mind-blowing cuteness, new parent, Oscar (Academy Award), Ph. D., Piglet, pixie voice, playroom, Pooh Corner, poop, Pop Warner football, SAHD, sing-along, Sippy Cup, Skype, son, stay at home dad, stay-at-home dad/Ph. D. student hybrid, stuffed animals, tantrum, Tell Me Stuff To Point At In My Favorite Word Book, thirst for life, thumb sucking, Tigger, Twincidents, Twinfamy, twins, wife, Winnie the Pooh
I grimaced as the all-too-familiar sound of my daughter’s signature baby cuss-fests reverberated throughout the cabin of our 757. Her inflection was remarkably similar to a Ricky Ricardo Spanish flipout as she rattled off unintelligible rapid-fire syllables.
Typically, these soliloquies have me in stitches. The invariable final “BAH” and its emphatic arm thrust just kills me every time.
But here and now, all I could muster was a nervous smile at my wife across the aisle, who flashed a quick one back while wrestling our tiny squirming diva in her lap.
Since two lap kids aren’t allowed in the same three-seat half-row, my wife had elected to fly solo while my son and I sat on the other side with my parents. The plan was to take turns and rotate seats as necessary throughout the flight, but for now, with the “fasten seat belts” sign lit and the crew preparing for take-off, we were locked into this configuration. We had booked the flight to coincide with their naptime in hopes they would crash for a significant portion of it, but the TSA security shuffle and unfamiliar surroundings now had them simultaneously wired and tired. And grumpy as hell.
Tags: air travel, airplane, airport, baby cussing, bitch-slap, Bob Marley, Chumbawumba, crying, daughter, Desi Arnaz, Disney, Disney Princess, Donald Duck, family, father of twins, Harry Potter, Hawaii, Hunger Games, I Love Lucy, Maui, Mickey Mouse, Mockingjay, new parent, onomatopoeia, peer pressure, Piglet, Reading Rainbow, Ricky Ricardo, SAHD, son, stay at home dad, stereo, stereophonic meltdown, sticker, tantrum, tempting fate, The DaVinci Code, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, toy, travel, TSA, Twincidents, TwinfaMaui, twins, vacation, wife, yin yang