My wife’s employer graciously allows her to work from home one day a week so she’s able to spend more time with the Twins, and although she’s asking them not to slam on her laptop’s keyboard for a good portion of the day, it’s better than not seeing them for most of the day. However, because she’s not home very often, we’ve noticed that when she is home, the Twins tend to be way more whiny than usual. Apparently, this is a thing with moms and kids–that kids act more needy around Mom than with Dad–as many of my wife’s friends with kids have reported the same phenomenon. I have to say, I feel fortunate to be the one they “man up” with instead of the one they cling to and whine at every five minutes.
This week, Mommy’s work-from-home day was especially challenging in the whining department, and once the kids were in bed for the night and we’d poured ourselves some wine, she offered a particularly eloquent reflection on the last 14 hours:
“I love being home with my kids. Except for when they drive me bananas.”
– My Wife
I know how it must have looked to the underwhelmed outdoor mall kiosk vendors.
A boisterous early-thirties couple with excellently-defined tan lines bumbling their way through the establishment with heavy footfalls, giggling uncontrollably and carrying the faint scent of island rum.
Oh, fantastic, they observed. More drunk tourists.
I knew this because even in my heightened state of awesomeness, my keen ninja senses saw them willing themselves not to roll their eyes, especially when we slurred the following greeting to an unsuspecting swimwear clerk:
“I’m a mother of twins. I don’t want to look sexy anymore. I want to cover my butt. What do you have for that?”
“She just wants a sarong. Is that so wrong?”
Come on, bikini merchant, crack a smile. Can’t you see that we’re hilarious?
Besides, we don’t get out much, and if you walked a mile in our flip flops, you’d be lit up and hilarious tonight, too.
Tags: alcohol, beach, bikini, braid, butt, covering one's ass, diaper bag, Disney, drinking, family, father of twins, flip flop, friendship bracelets, George Michael, hair, hair wrap, Hawaii, imaginary Disney-movie animal sidekicks cheering, Ka'anapali Beach, Lady Luck, Lucky Charms, Mahi Mahi, mai tai, Maui, ninja, Rage Against the Machine, SAHD, sand, sarong, shopping, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, stay at home dad, stroller, stuffed animals, sunset, travel, Twincidents, twins, vacation, Whalers Village, wife
My wife turned her head. “What?”
“I’m 30 on the East Coast. The Facebook ‘Happy Birthdays’ just started.”
She smiled, putting a comforting hand on my shoulder. Having just kissed her own 20s goodbye in November, she’d (understandably) had moments of panic when her day drew near and had been bracing herself all week for a potential flip-out on my part. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m okay.” And I was. I really, really was. But still… “It’s just…It’s really happening, you know?”
“Oh, I do,” she emphasized, nodding wide-eyed. “Believe me.”
My straw sputtered as I downed the last of my drink and clomped the glass back on the table.
“Let’s get the birthday boy another one,” she grinned, rising from her chair. “Or should I say ‘old man‘?”
“Ha. Ha. Make it a double,” I snarked. I watched her as she zig-zagged through the throng of suits and dresses crowding the dance floor towards the bar.
Tags: 007, 30th birthday, alcohol, auto-tune, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, board book, bride, daughter, Don't Stop Believin', Dr. Seuss, Ewok, Facebook, family, father of twins, fist pump, flower girl, George Lucas, Glee, gray hair, groom, Jack and Coke, James Bond, Jersey Shore, journey, License to Bear Rings, License to Kill, living the dream, Most Interesting Man in the World (Dos Equis), music, new parent, O Loyal Reader, Oscar (Academy Award), Ph. D., ring bearer, SAHD, slow-motion, social networking, son, Star Wars, stay at home dad, Steve Perry, Technicolor, technology, The Sopranos, turning 30, Twincidents, twins, walk down the aisle, walking, wedding, Wes Anderson, wife, Wyld Stallyns
Unbeknownst to us, our daughter seems to have started a new activist group–Daughters Against Mothers Drinking (DAMD).
Her reasons for this are a mystery to us, as my wife does not even remotely have a drinking problem. She does enjoy an alcoholic beverage from time to time, but so do a majority of adults over 21. In fact, since the pregnancy (when she didn’t drink and I did my best not to make her jealous), breastfeeding, and the unending sleep deprivation of having twin babies (which does not AT ALL jive with a hangover), both of us have become lightweights who feel superfine after two.
However, when my wife does decide she would fancy a drink, she is most certainly entitled, as she is our household’s primary breadwinner at an oftentimes intense job that spreads her thinly and leaves her toasted by the end of the day.
It was with this fervor that she asked for a glass of wine while at Nani and Abuelito’s (my wife’s mother and stepfather’s) house for dinner last night, and I was happy to oblige, pouring her the finest chardonnay Nani’s entire counter had to offer.
Tags: Abuelito (wife's stepfather), alcohol, all the King's Horses and all the King's Men, baseball, beverage, beverage bitch-slap, breadwinner, breastfeeding, carnival game, carpet, chardonnay, crying, daughter, Daughters Against Mothers Drinking (DAMD), dog, drinking, family, father of twins, furrowed brow, Halloween, hangover, Humpty Dumpty, Jack-O-Lantern, laughing, Lego, Mother Goose, nemesis, new parent, Opa!, pregnancy, pumpkin smasher/smashee, pumpkin smashing, SAHD, Shout (stain remover), sleep, sleep deprivation, Smashing Pumpkins, spill, stain, stay at home dad, staying up late, steam-clean, stink eye, toy, Twincidents, twins, wife, wife's mom (Nani), wine, wine glass
I wanted to finish baby-proofing our house earlier. I really did. But it’s the thought that counts.
I had the best intentions when I began work in October, and have slowly made what I believe to be significant progress given the circumstances, as the project has been narrowly constrained by multiple, immovable factors:
1) My Fans
I am apparently so incredibly awesome and compelling that my pint-sized fans cannot bear the thought of me leaving the room. Not to go to the bathroom, wash dishes, get diapers, or anything else that takes longer than five seconds. The Experts call this “separation anxiety.” I call it “the reason I can’t get anything done around the house unless I want an improvisational high-pitched duet as a soundtrack.” Due to sharp drills and screwdrivers and the same hazardous cabinet contents I’m trying to bar from their tiny, inquisitive hands, I can’t have them climbing all over me while I install latchery. Keeping them in the room with me as I work necessitates restrictive holding cells such as Pack ‘n’ Plays and Exersaucers, but they are proficiently crawling their way to walking any day now, and thus assertively refuse any restraints in efforts normally attributed to Wild Horses and Freebirds and Eyes of Tigers. These factors all imply that the ideal baby-proofing window is during a Nap Overlap or Ni-Night Time. Aside from the fact that a Nap Overlap itself is rare, the slightest of sounds from a pin dropping to a grizzly bear/man hybrid slamming a car door can wake them, so firing up the drill while they’re asleep is simply ill-advised.
2) My Schedule
Two of my weekdays are spent on campus studying in preparation for world domination. I have not yet taken my program’s Building and Remotely Controlling Your Own Robot Henchman 101 class, so baby-proofing production grinds to an unfortunate halt on these days. The remaining three weekdays are dedicated to house-husbanding and twin-wrangling, which, as I just mentioned, are not conducive to accomplishing anything but avoiding tantrums and occasionally escaping for a guerrilla laundry load. This leaves the weekends, the only time we are together as a family, during which we spend quality time driving around town running errands, and every once in a while, pretending we have a social life. This aspect has recently been amplified by…
Tags: 11 months old, Adventures in Baby-Proofing, Adventures in Babysitting, alcohol, Alex Trebek, baby gates, baby-proof, baby-proofing, barefoot, bathroom, blood, Building and Remotely Controlling Your Own Robot Henchman 101, cabinet, campus, car door slam, carpenter, cheesecake, child safety lock, Christmas, Christmas presents, climb, diaper, dishes, dishwashing, door, drawer, drill, drill bit, driving, duet, Exersaucer, Eye of the Tiger, FAIL, family, family time, fan, father of twins, first, first aid, floor, Freebird, good intentions, grizzly bear/man hybrid, guerrilla, guerrilla laundry, Halloween, hazard, hazardous, holding cell, holiday, house-husband, house-husbanding, I am a ninja, ill advised, improv, injustice, Jeopardy, John Pseudonymous, kick, kitchen, klutz, latch, latchery, latchify, laundry, laziness, lockdown, Lynyrd Skynyrd, my clumsiness, my fans, Nap Overlap, nature's call, new parent, New Year's Day, New Year's Eve, Ni-Night Time, ninja, ninja graduating clan yearbook, Ninja Healing, October, Pack 'n' Play, parenting expert, Ph. D., pin drop, pint-sized, power drill, power tool, presents, pumpkin, pumpkin-carving, restraint, revenge, running errands, SAHD, screwdriver, second, separation anxiety, social life, Sorry ladies., soundtrack, stay at home dad, stuffing, Survivor, tantrum, Thanksgiving, The Clumsiest Ninja, the reason I can't get anything done around the house unless I want an improvisational high-pitched duet as a soundtrack, The Rolling Stones, There Will Be Blood, tiny wandering hands, tool, turkey, twin-wrangling, twins, vengeance, We are ninjas., wife, Wild Horses, world domination, yearbook