An Open Letter to Elmo

ElmoOh, hi, Loyal Readers! Welcome to Twinfamy’s World! John is so happy to see you, and so are John’s Twins.

Can you guess what John is thinking about today? That’s right–Elmo!

You know, Elmo!

John has been watching Sesame Street with John’s Twins for a few months now and John has learned a lot about Elmo, but John has noticed some things about Elmo that confuse John. Unlike Elmo, John has no self-aware drawers and doesn’t have a family of mimes lurking outside John’s window who are always waiting with a smile when “Shade” goes up, so John wondered how to find out more about Elmo’s Worldview.

Then, suddenly, John had a spectacular idea–John should write Elmo a letter!

Here is John’s letter to Elmo:

.

Dear Elmo,

First of all, John wants to say that John is a huge fan of Elmo’s, and has been ever since John was just a little boy. John remembers when Elmo got his first big break on Sesame Street, starting with only a few special guest appearances, but look at Elmo now! Elmo is the star! Yaaaaay! Plus, whatever Elmo is doing to stay in shape must be working because Elmo doesn’t seem to have aged a day.

John knows that Elmo has haters who are angry about Elmo taking Sesame Street by storm, “stealing” the spotlight away from traditional Street Performers like Big Bird, Oscar, Bert, Ernie, and especially Grover, who–as a result of Elmo’s coup de cutest–has retreated into an even more deluded version of his Super Grover alter-ego, trying way too hard to make himself relevant by unnecessarily upgrading his superhero uniform to “2.0” status and constantly asserting himself as “cute” in a futile, passive-aggressive attempt to dethrone Elmo’s natural, organic cuteness. John will even admit to agreeing with the Anti-Elmo League for a while, but now that John is a Loyal Viewer, John gets it.

Super Grover 2.0

Super Grover 2.0 unleashes the power of overcompensation.

Elmo is a natural born entertainer. Eternal optimism, a curious thirst for life, and genuine care for one’s fellow monster make Elmo hard NOT to love–so much so that people are even willing to overlook Elmo speaking exclusively in the third person and avoiding pronouns except the occasional “he” when talking about Elmoself, in order to avoid a rapid-fire, five-“Elmo” sentence. (Did Elmo notice John is doing the same thing in this letter? John wonders if John can get away with it.)

In fact, Elmo is so captivating that John DVRs Sesame Street every day because John often finds the one way John and John’s wife can afford 15 minutes to eat dinner without shrieking banshee interruptions is by putting on “Elmo’s World” for John’s loinfruits. John realizes the “World” is really intended for older viewers, but John’s Twins just adore Elmo and always kick their little feet when they hear the “Elmo’s World Theme Song.”

Which brings John to the reason for this letter.

John knows that Elmo and John are friends because Elmo has told John so in numerous grand, on-air gestures, so since Elmo and John are friends, John feels comfortable asking Elmo just a few earnest queries about the “Elmo’s World Theme Song.”

See, Elmo, John is sure you realize how unbelievably catchy the song is. It was a runaway success in its first incarnation as “Elmo’s Song,” and as “Elmo’s World” has become arguably the Street’s most popular segment, the ditty has become engrained–tattooed even–in the consciousness of parents and children everywhere. John wonders if–when Elmo was writing the song–he acquired government funding for a team of musically-inclined scientists to discover the most irresistibly infectious permutation of notes possible, or maybe had Paul McCartney or Neil Diamond ghost-write it, or even is hiding a resurrected John Lennon somewhere on the set (Oscar’s can?).

John will pause now for Elmo to imagine Neil Diamond singing “Elmo’s World.” Legendary.

Neil Diamond

The B-Side could be "Elmo Am... Elmo Said."

John thinks Elmo should get on the phone with Elmo’s agent and make that happen.

Anyway, Elmo, John’s point is the song is addictive. While home with the Twins, John finds himself involuntarily and spontaneously belting out “Elmo’s Song” as if under a spell, and even writing and performing John’s own off-the-cuff verses.

But that’s not even John’s real complaint.

Elmo, John has issue with the lyrics.

La la la-la, la la la-la, Elmo’s World

La la la-la, la la la-la, Elmo’s World

Elmo loves his goldfish,

His crayon, too.

That’s Elmo’s World.

John thinks it will help if John breaks it down.

La la la-la, la la la-la…

Okay, now this makes sense. Not only does this hearken back to the old, classic origin of the song; non-word, sung syllables have proven to be an excellent avenue to a solid hook, as they are easy to remember and facilitate sing-alongs. Look at the beginning of J. Geils Band’s “Centerfold” and the climactic end of The Beatles’ “Hey Jude.” With this in mind, John is already singing along with Elmo after a single “La.”

…Elmo’s World

Elmo's World

Next, Elmo illuminates his Loyal Viewers as to what is happening. Elmo is inviting Elmo’s Loyal Viewers into “Elmo’s World.” Elmo will assumedly proceed to describe what the journey into “Elmo’s World” will be like. Elmo is doing a great job so far!

Elmo loves his goldfish,

According to Elmo’s argument, the first phenomenon to expect in “Elmo’s World” is the love of a pet goldfish. Elmo still has John’s attention here, because this lyric also fits. It is no secret that Elmo loves Dorothy, and rightly so. John is not a big fish guy, but would convert if John had a goldfish who could generate aquarium sculptures with her fish-mind powers, too.

Elmo and Dorothy

Dorothy fashions a massive-eared fish...with her MIND!

Where did Elmo get Dorothy? Does Dorothy have any relatives that John could adopt? Now, John could point out the rare use of a pronoun in this line, but that’s not a big deal. It would disrupt the fluidity, anyway.

His crayon, too.

There it is, Elmo–the problematic line, the one that keeps John up at night, wondering WHY? It’s definitely apparent that Elmo is a crayon enthusiast. In fact, Elmo’s entire house seems to be constructed from them. But Elmo, John never sees you actually use the crayon. John assumes that possibly, at some point, the crayon was used more frequently, but seldom does Elmo incorporate the crayon into “Elmo’s World” nowadays.

Elmo has already said that Elmo loves his goldfish–why not issue a shout-out to other entities in “Elmo’s World” who help Elmo every day? What about Mr. Noodle, his brother Mr. Noodle, and his sister Ms. Noodle, who realize they are not very bright, but still, every episode, try to answer Elmo’s questions, only to be met with ridicule from voice-over children?

Mr. Noodle

He may not have much going on in his noodle, but he's a great sport.

What about “Drawer” who always helps Elmo learn more about what Elmo is thinking about? (Maybe Drawer keeps knocking Elmo over because Drawer is indignant.)

Because it’s a theme song, Elmo only has a short amount of time to encapsulate “Elmo’s World,” and the crayon simply isn’t part of it.

Then, Elmo, the song just ends.

That’s Elmo’s World

No, Elmo, it isn’t. That’s not “Elmo’s World.” Elmo implies that Elmo has summarized the World, but Elmo has only scratched the surface and wasted limited song real estate on a nonessential element.

John hopes this doesn’t upset Elmo, but John just can’t wrap John’s head around it, and because John still busts the song around the house as if in a musical, John is faced with this dilemma every time John sings about that darn crayon.

Please, Elmo. Don’t leave John hanging like this. Why is that line in Elmo’s song?

John has a feeling Elmo understands and thanks Elmo for hearing John out. John looks forward to Elmo’s response.

.

Love,

John Pseudonymous

Author & CEO, Twinfamy

.

Twinfamy Logo 2.0

That's Twinfamy's World.

.

Loyal Reader may also enjoy:

Don't Fear the Teether   The Unveiling   I Need Some Space (The Final Frontier) OR Twin Wars: Episode 1 - Taunt of the Tauntaun

If not, John is still so happy to see you!

About these ads

17 comments

  1. IncidentalDomestic

    Jennifer just finished a game of hide and seek with computer, and sat down only to find email about this letter which is really the BEST Elmo letter Jennifer has ever seen. Hands down. Jennifer is still laughing, but she has to go now because she is getting the urge to color.

    Jennifer hopes John will solve the mystery and share it with the world. Jennifer will probably still be reading.

    Love,
    Jennifer P.
    Incidental Domestic’s World

    Like

  2. John

    Dear John,

    Daddy likes crayon too. Daddy has many. Daddy likes many crayons. Daddy doesn’t use crayon either. Don’t hate Daddy. Daddy doesn’t like Mr. Noodle or any of the reincarnations of Mr. Noodle, Mr. Noodles son, cousin, uncle… Daddy doesn’t like any of them.

    All the best,
    Daddy’s in Charge

    Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      John P. is going to use initials so that John W. (and John P.) can follow a little better.

      That’s the thing. John P. has nothing against crayons. John P. LOVES crayons. John P. would just like to see Elmo using Elmo’s crayon if Elmo is going to sing about it.

      John P. will admit that the Noodles are not really John P.’s favorites either. John P. often finds Johnself thinking “Come on, get there Mr. Noodle. John P. is bored.”

      John P. hopes that if John W. sees Elmo, John W. will ask John P. his questions.

      Like

  3. Sarah Richardson

    Sarah has actually given this much thought…see, Sarah’s boy Matthew has been watching Elmo for 1.5 years now and Sarah has ALWAYS been bothered by Elmo’s song. So Sarah- in all of her SAHP madness actually has made up a new song for Elmo.

    Here is Sarah’s version:

    La la la-la, La la la-la
    Elmo’s World,
    La la la-la, La la la-la
    Elmo’s World!
    Dorothy and Noodles,
    Drawer, TV too.
    That’s Elmo’s World!

    I hope everyone likes it.

    Sarah is so happy to comment to you all today. Guess what Sarah is thinking about today (and everyday thanks to the joys of SAHParenting…)

    Sarah’s Elmo’s Song!

    You know, Sarah’s Elmo’s song!!!

    Ha, ha, ha ha!

    Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      Wow, John is so glad that John isn’t alone in this! Thanks for sharing Sarah’s Elmo’s Song, Sarah! John wonders, if Elmo sees John’s letter, will Elmo will make Sarah’s Elmo’s Song Elmo’s Song? John likes it better and thinks Elmo should.

      Like

  4. lovethebadguy

    I am writing without use of the third-person.

    *le gasp!* My personal pronouns have broken the illusion! I’m sorry, Elmo! Let’s you, me, Ernie and Snuffleupagus go hang out. That’d be sweet.

    ;)

    P.S. Mr Pseudonymous – this post was abso-freaking-lutely hilarious, and Elmo should definitely take your comments on board.

    Like

  5. Evin

    My youngest’s name is Josey, and we call her Jo. This has developed from our toddler’s love of Elmo:

    Jo Jo Jo Jo
    Jo Jo Jo Jo
    Josey’s World.
    Josey loves her brother
    her sister too!
    That’s Josey’s Woooooorrrrllllddddd!!!

    The two older ones (2 and 7) sing it to her ALL. FREAKING. DAY.

    Mommy loves Elmo but Mommy wants Elmo’s song to STFU already.

    Like

    • John Pseudonymous

      All right! So John is not the only one who makes up lyrics to Elmo’s song that are relevant to John’s life. John wishes John had suggestions about how to shake the song from consciousness, but John can’t do it Johnself. John wonders if Evin has a family of mimes living outside of Evin’s window to ask, or possibly subscribes to a “How to Get Kids to Stop Singing the Elmo’s World Theme Song Channel.” John wishes Evin luck.

      Like

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s