Six Sigma Parenting Tip #1: Snack While Peeing

Six Sigma

Six Sigma is a process in business management that strives to find the most efficient method for performing tasks, supported by thorough analysis and statistical findings. While it is said to work phenomenally in the business realm, I believe such critical task analysis can be just as helpful at home–after all, it’s my place of business.

As a stay-at-home parent of twins, I need to be efficient. Any way that I can streamline what I do literally makes things twice as easy and keeps me from enduring a meltdown duet, and I’m always searching for thrilling new ninja skills to apply on the domestic battlefield.

The Disney Vault

I suspect Walt’s cryogenically frozen head to be next to a stack of “Song of the South” Blu-Rays.

For the duration of my husbandly homemaking career, I have kept my methods under wraps, locked away in a heavily-guarded location that makes the Disney Vault look as secure as a wallet shoved all the way into the toe of a shoe on the beach. However, I have been given security clearance from the U. S. Department of Defense to share these secrets with you, as long as I do so gradually, in brief installments.

On that note, here is the first.

Six Sigma Parenting Tip #1: Snack While Peeing

Those of you Loyal Readers who are parents know that while caring for young children, a trip to the bathroom becomes less casual, leisurely, and spontaneous than in your distant past life. This is because using the facilities means putting yourself in a state where you cannot necessarily immediately respond to any urgent child matter at hand, particularly while mid-stream.

The Toilet (Where the Magic Happens)

Where the Magic Happens

Thus, affording oneself an excretion opportunity typically involves the placing of children in cribs, Exersaucers, various harnessed baby furniture items, or simply bringing the child(ren) on a field trip to see Where the Magic Happens. It also often ends with a panicked flush and rushed hand-cleansing over a lavish score of screeches and whines, as the thirty seconds or so you’ve attempted to acquire for yourself are simply too long for your little ones to endure.

Another once-leisurely pastime that becomes a breakneck parenting dash is eating. Gone are the days of actually sitting down at a human-style table, imbibing your meal without interruption, especially during breakfast and lunch when you’re a trophy spouse like myself. Given the narrow window of both Twinfants being moderately distracted or even–*GASP*–asleep at the same time, it’s go time. I’m suddenly in college again, seeking out the food item with the smallest from-deciding-to-eat-it-to-putting-it-into-my-mouth time, and I can almost hear my fraternity brothers chanting “Chug! Chug! Chug!” as I perform near-kamikaze hydration.

Since these two necessary-to-life processes–eating and excreting–can become such hindrances to maintaining sweet radio silence from your babies, why not combine them?

Before you get all grossed out, just think about it.

If you’re already going to the bathroom, you’ve secured your children, and possibly any well-meaning canines that love to swallow baby socks, not because they taste good, but because it gains the ever-waning attention of their master. With your household dependents on lockdown, you plan on being occupied for a good 30 to 60 seconds anyway, so you might as well pick out a quick snack from the pantry.

Granola Bars

Nature Valley has a fantastic bar selection. I particularly enjoy the Sweet & Salty Nut series. (Yeah, I know–”That’s what she said.” Whatever. They’re delicious.)

I suggest granola bars. Not only are they scrumptious–they also take just about as long to eat as it does to exit bodily fluids.

NOTE: This Six Sigma Parenting Tip is designed exclusively for Waste Type #1 bathroom trips. I fully and literally subscribe to the folk notion of “not sh!tting where one eats,” so if you will be depositing a twosie, Twinfamy does NOT condone eating during the extraction. That’s just gross. (If this whole idea still makes your skin crawl, I’ve accounted for that, too. Check out Version 3 below.)

Depending on your personal preference/microbial outlook, I am providing procedures for three versions of this genius multitasking innovation.

Version 1: The Classic

Once you’re in the bathroom, assume your gender-fueled position. Whatever equipment you’re packing, you’re sure to have a free hand that you probably haven’t even used to touch anything that would make it too dirty to eat with. Use this hand to feed yourself.

Version 2: The Chug

If it is thirst-quenching you seek, this slight variation of The Classic involves any bottled beverage of your choosing (water, sports drinks, malt liquor, etc.). Simply position yourself, place the bottle in your mouth, and bottoms up. I recommend bottled versus open-lidded beverages as their narrow openings provide spill-free mouth delivery while taking care of business. This is an excellent way to stay hydrated, as you are replenishing liquids leaving your body.

Version 3: The Germaphobe

If it disgusts you to eat while performing this act, fear not! You can still rock this tip with a slight variation. Take your snack with you to the bathroom and complete all bathroom-oriented tasks first.

Then, on your way back, linger just outside the bathroom door, out of your loinfruits’ eyeshot, and chow down. In fact, if they are quiet and happy, I suggest hiding here until they are not, as it may be your only free moment of the day. If you bring your smartphone, you can even read Twinfamy from e-cover to e-cover.

.

Sure, you may hear the natives getting restless during any of these processes, but you, my friend, have killed two birds with one stone.

And that makes you a Six Sigma Parent.

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You may also enjoy:

Naptime Musings - My 6 Most Common Thoughts   We Recycle   Captwin's Log - Stay at Home Father Day 1

If not, wait here and watch Elmo for a minute. I’ll be right back.

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6 comments

  1. Sarah Richardson

    Amen. Isn’t this just the truth. I was fully unprepared for the bathroom situation once becoming a parent.

    Just wait until they follow you in and want to watch you go and then see what it looks like in the pot. I swear…when I do get to go to the bathroom alone, it is the most exciting amazing thing…so sad.

    • John Pseudonymous

      Yeah, I’ve heard a lot about the whole following you in thing from parents “ahead” of me and I’m pretty un-excited about my #2 visits that will indubitably be in front of a live studio audience, but I guess it’s part of the job description.

  2. Deborah the Closet Monster

    Bwahaha! I love the thought of combining parenting and Six Sigma.

    I have to note also this phrase was a delight to read, if it left bizarre images in mind at first:
    out of your loinfruits’ eyeshot

    Time to share this tidbit of hilarious (when described by someone else) truth!

    • John Pseudonymous

      Thanks! A lot of people in my life are involved in the Six Sigma craze and some say when I had the idea, the Heavens lit up and crescendoed to a C Major chord in celebration. Others say that is a delusion of grandeur, but they will come around.

      That was one of my favorite phrases, too. Thanks for noticing. I actually do that myself on the way back from bathroom when I need a moment, if the kids are still occupied. If you can picture me huddled in the hallway like a hermit, just around the corner from my playing progeny, devouring content on my phone that I’ve been wanting to read/experience all day, you have an accurate representation of parenting.

      Thanks so much for reading!

  3. Micha

    As always, this gave me a good laugh! I tend to take an extra large bite of food and finish chewing on my way to the bathroom- not quite as efficient as your method though.

    Also, it adds an extra level of timing once the kid starts following you to the bathroom (especially once they figure out how to flush it by themselves) and you don’t dare leave them out of sight for fear they will decided to become part monkey at that exact moment… I have gotten so use to leaving the bathroom door open I actually have to remind myself to close it when I am not at home :)_

    • John Pseudonymous

      Thanks Micha. I am quite certain my children will shapeshift to monkey form. Not only have I seen glimpses of ape-like faces and flailing arm gestures, we’ve also constructed a monkey-themed bedroom and even refer to them as monkeys on occasion. Good to know in the event of full transformation.

      I, too, have fallen into the Open Door Policy when going to the bathroom and must make the extra effort–especially at other people’s places of residence–to eliminate peep show possibilities, so I feel you there.

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